[mom2GRLC]

Do you as a FOSTER/ADOPTIVE parent ever feel that when it comes to discussing open adoption (in general) your feelings/beliefs get minimized or aren't considered legitamet because you are coming from the foster/adopt perspective verses a domestic open adoption perspective? Are those two perspectives REALLY that different? In both cases aren't you considering what is best for the child? Wouldn't the same boundaries/rules be applied/considered?

Any opinions welcome!!!

I find it very frustrating that through-out the years on these forums...I always get brushed aside when it comes to a discussion....just BECAUSE our kids came to us through foster/adoption verses domestic adoption. What's the difference? Aren't we all dealing with the major issue....which is....how to live/feel/act in an open adoption.

[BrandyHagz]

Yes! They are different - your child/children were removed from their parents by the state....

That isn't the case in domestic infant adoption - where generally speaking, the birthparents are making a responsible decision to place and aren't a danger to their child (unlike foster situations, where the parent was such a danger, they lost their rights unwillingly).

I'm sorry you can't see the HUGE difference in these two different types of adoption and openness...I know that you do routinely apply your unrelated experiences as a foster adopt parent to domestic adoption all the time...for my personally as a birthmother, its frustrating...just as you would be frustrated if I applied my open adoption experience to your situation when you posted on the Openness in Foster Care forum....I wouldn't DREAM of doing something like that...because foster/adopt and openness is MUCH different...

As a birthparent, I am sick and tired of being measured by the same stick as a mother who has lost her rights to the state because she has done something (or not done something) to endanger the life of her child…I am not that person and I don’t appreciate having that applied to my situations, when I post about them.

Adoption/Open Adoption IS NOT nor will it EVER be a one size fits all relationship/situation – you can’t say “well, I have an open adoption and all open adoptions are the same” – they aren’t – and they most defiantly aren’t when it comes to foster adoption and openness vs. domestic infant adoption and openness.

[Tudu]

I think it is very simular in most ways but let's face it there is a major difference in the quality of the parents. I am working on both types and the children from the foster/adopt situation is very difficult. There is so much coming out and it is really scary stuff so how can I ever trust them? It is not possible for the sake of my children. I promised contact and some of the children want it but I am not comfortable with it to the extent I trust my other dd's mother.

With my other dd and the potential match we have I trust them completely. We visit and talk very often with a friendship that has evolved beyond our child together. This is something I will never have in the other situation. I love when my dd's Mother calls her and visits her. I am on my toes and paranoid with the other kids. I do not feel it is always best to have an open adoption in a foster/adopt situation but with a private adoption I can not imagine it any other way.

Should we be brushed aside? No, in fact we may have some extreme experiences to overcome to maintain an open relationship. We go above and beyond in these relationships for the sake of our children.

[mom2GRLC]

I guess the difference here is that I DON"T see my daughters birthmother as this TERRIBLE person. We all make bad choices in life. It sucks that some choices have such life changing consequences. I see that my daughters birthmother HAS changed her life around. She really is not the same person she used to be. Yes, she had an addiction before...and because of that made some big mistakes, but I can't look at her as that same person she once was BECAUSE she isn't that person anymore. Should she forever be shamed for the mistakes she has made in the past? Should she always be labelled as an unfit mother...when she herself has raised a healthy happy (almost 3 year old daughter) since my daughter was taken away.

I have wonderful loving open communication with her birth grandmother. She also has COMPLETELY changed her life around. She is an amazing woman and I often times look to her for support, because she has such a strong faith in God and has learned a great deal from the mistakes she's made in her life.

Of course I recognize the difference in HOW my child came to me.

BUT....shouldn't the childs needs be addressed/considered regardless of wether the child came to you under good or bad circumstances? In both situations their is potential hurt to the child if things are not handled carefully. The childs basic needs in the relationship still have to be met.

BTW- I do have a child that was placed lovingly for adoption at birth by her birthmom. Would I treat her any differently than I treat my other childrens birthparents? NO. She would still have to show that she was willing to put my childs needs first, if she wanted to have an open relationship.

[Mommy24]

Originally Posted by mom2GRLC

BTW- I do have a child that was placed lovingly for adoption at birth by her birthmom. Would I treat her any differently than I treat my other childrens birthparents? NO. She would still have to show that she was willing to put my childs needs first, if she wanted to have an open relationship.

The birthmom of your placed child has shown that she can and did put her child's needs first above her own, she did that by making an adoption plan for the child. However, yes I do think that a birthmom who was unfit and lost her parental rights for whatever reason has to "prove" that she now has her child's best interest at heart because obviously at one time or another she did not.

I agree with Brandy, I am so sick of being put in the same category as a parent who had their rights terminated by the state, just as you wouldn't want to be categorized with the Foster adopt parents who we hear about on the news who don't take care of their children.

Certainly you wouldn't have the same relationship with a birthmom who was still doing things that could be harmful to the child that you would with a stable birthmom who knows her boundaries, right?

So if it is about the best interest of the child (and it is) then each situation has to be looked at differently, and the way the child became yours has to be taken into account.

[musemoon]

I feel bad as a foster adoptive mother that I cannot share an open adoption with my daughter's birthmother. I am trying to keep in contact with her birth sister, but her phone has been shut off and there is no other number to reach her....that being said I agree that they CAN BE two entirely different kinds of adoption. One where a parent places as a choice for what they believe at the time is the best thing they can do for their child and one where a parent has their rights to parent removed because of the harm they have done to their children. If my daughter's birth mom ever where able to be clean and sober, and resolve her domestic violence issues, I would love for her to know her birth dauther and I will keep reaching out to Aria's birth sister hoping we can reconnect again.

I feel bad as an adoptive parent as I know the healthiest way for my child to grow up would be to know her birth family. However in her case it would not be healthy. And I sometimes feel "bad" and/or "scorned" for being in a closed adoption. So as in all sensitive adoptive situations there is no one size fits all solution...and the topic is emotionally charged for everyone. I just try to be empathetic to each person's situation. However, personally I do feel that boundary setting in the fost/adopt world comes with a lot of issues I don't believe open adoptions in the domestic adopt world have.

And birth parents in domestic adoptions are not really the same kinds of parents that we encounter in the fost/adopt world...at least in my experience, I have found this to be true.

[mom2GRLC]

Just because a parent lovingly places their child for adoption doesn't mean they don't have issues in their life (or that latter come up)that could interfere with the success of an open adoption.

Living in and working through some of those issues is a COMMON factor in any form of open adoption, not just isolated to foster/adopt open adoptions.

Yes, I certianly see the differences in the two different types of adoption. Yes, I see that foster/adoption does take a lot more caution and work in order for it to be succesful. But that doesn't mean that the issues WE ALL deal with living in an OPEN adoption aren't related/similiar.

Yes some are different and unique to the situation and people involved. But why do we have to be so segragated!!! People don't have to be through the EXACT same experience as another person to understand where they are coming from, how they might be feeling etc.

We should all be supportive of one another, and accepting of others thoughts and ideas. That's how we broaden our own view and understand one another.

[musemoon]

I agree we definitely should be all be supportive of one another.

[JC10]

We should all be in this together!

[Boulderbabe]

Originally Posted by BrandyHagz

As a birthparent, I am sick and tired of being measured by the same stick as a mother who has lost her rights to the state because she has done something (or not done something) to endanger the life of her child…I am not that person and I don’t appreciate having that applied to my situations, when I post about them.

I agree with you that the two kinds of adoption are usually (but not always) different. The issue has to do with the mental health of the people involved. Not to put too fine a point on it, but people who lose their children involuntarily generally have some pretty big cognitive and emotional issues, ranging from addiction to developmental disability to organic mental illness.

OTOH, bparents who place voluntarily don't usually (but sometimes do) have those issues.

I get frustrated just like you do, Brandy, but in the other direction. Sometimes I have had anti-adoption advocates tell me how my son's bmom was totally victimized, how he should have been left with her, etc. etc. And I just want to scream, because those people just don't understand the eight bazillion issues that prevented my son's bfamily from parenting him safely.

I agree that openness in any kind of adoption presents a certain set of issues. But working through those issues when both sets of parents are sane and stable is mighty different than working through them when one set is not.

[LibbyHawkins]

All I can say is . . ."Wow".

Glad you posted in a Foster Forum, otherwise you might have gotten flamed and then a Moderator might have had to get involved.

Mom2girlc, our experience as foster parents can be valuable in many cases, with post adoption agreements now it is becoming mandatory that we as foster/adopt parents figure out how to have a healthy relationship with our kids biological parents.

Come to think of it, I had a pretty darn good relationship with my foster kids parents as well! Not that that didnt' cause conflict in my own mind, but I guess I knew it was in the best interests of the Child. Hmmmmmm - that does sound an awful lot like discussions of I have read on other forums.

Hmmmmmmm

[blessedbybug]

For me, from my perspective and experience, there is one fundamental difference that comes to mind. It has to do with the beginning of the relationship. All relationships have a potential to go the spectrum. What may seem like a positive open adoption relationship could turn out to be not so positive depending on the communication and intentions and motivations of all people involved. What may seem like a non-start relationship could turn out wonderful in the end with a lot of patience and care and good communication.

But the difference to me (and I was approved/licensed to foster-to-adopt... we never had a placement as both our placement came through a private agency first) is the beginning of the relationship. In alot of domestic agency adoption situations, I think that, for the most part (and yes, I'm covering my backside because I'm sure there are some who will bring up their "it's not that way in my situation" scenario), everyone involved often start from a place of trust. Everyone, unless it's a case of coercion or deception (I'm not considering those here), should have played a part in the decision, and there is a level of trust to build on.

On the other end, in a FTA placement, the openness in the relationship can be harder because the child would not be entering that placement if their wasn't reason that the bio parents were not able to parent or were considered a risk to their child. In my mind, that would start the relationship with a foster home out at some level of distrust by both the bio parents and the foster parents. Bio parents because for the most part, they don't want their kids in another home, it is not their first choice. Foster parents hoping to adopt are distrustful (and that is what the OP asked about, not straight fostering...) because really, isn't it their intention to adopt the child in their home? And it is their job to be protective from a someone who has harmed the child in the past?

So in the domestic placement, there should be a level of trust to build on. In FTA, the trust isn't there and it has to be built prior to the relationship developing further.

And I must add that both my placements were domestic, open adoptions at least as they were presented to me. They're not anymore. And not by my choice. And we're trying to make the best of it. And hoping someday something will change to make it better.

[lonni]

Great post BBBug!!

[lonni]

Yes they are different. One makes a child centered
decision and should be on equal footing.
One makes a risky decision or is inadequate and not making child centered choices and needs to be monitored.
As far as mental illness, adoptive parents can have that as well.
It muddies the waters to suggest that all birthparents are unstable and it hurts the adopted child too.JMO

[lonni]

you said

BTW- I do have a child that was placed lovingly for adoption at birth by her birthmom. Would I treat her any differently than I treat my other childrens birthparents? NO. She would still have to show that she was willing to put my childs needs first, if she wanted to have an open relationship.
__________________WHY are you already suspicious of her though?She trusted you 100%, but you see her as needing to prove herself jmo