[Lamaena]

I have a 3 month old fd and I have been in recent contact with her aunt. My fd's bparents are in prison, aunt has our fd's half siblings in her care (long term relative care). My question to you all is regarding my communication with my fd's aunt. I have nothing against my fd's aunt, but in my opinion and that of the investigator, aunt is not able to care for my fd. How does one determine what level of communication would hurt our chances of adopting our fd?
I have received some advise that it is probably in our best interest not to have too much communication with our fd's bfamily prior to TPR. I've been advised that the more contact between my fd and her aunt, the greater the chances my fd's aunt could have of getting our fd.
I will not do anything to stand in the way of my fd's aunt getting my fd if that is what the judge determines should happen, but I will not do anything to facilitate something I don't agree with either.

[mom2GRLC]

I agree until TPR happens contact should be limited.

Any relationship you have with her after that would be up to you.

[shycar]

I dont understand, why would communication with the aunt change anything. If the Judge decides to move the baby with the aunt his decision would not matter if you talk with aunt or not. With our son, we had and still do have communication with his b-grandma and b-aunt. Becouse of that communictation they decided that we are what is best for our son, thier grandson and nephew. They saw how much we loved him and how much he loved us. They are great people who love this little boy very much.

[Lamaena]

I agree that my fd's family loves her, I don't doubt that. The problem is that I don't believe that my fd's aunt would be willing to give up on getting our fd, even when she has admitted it would be a lot for her to take on and manage (she's even admitted to having been relieved when she was informed our fd would be placed in fcare considering all sleepless nights and the level of attention a newborn requires). I've been told that the more contact the bfamily has with the baby the greater the chances they could get the baby, and in the opposite situation, where there is limited contact with bfamily, the chances of us adopting her increase. Do any of you see any truth to this?

[stevenstwin]

Originally Posted by shycar

I dont understand, why would communication with the aunt change anything.

The only reason I can think of, and I've heard it addressed here before, is that it gives the bio family ammunition to use against the foster family...anything they don't like about the parenting they can try to use against them. One specific example I remember is of allegations of abuse against a foster family for typical little kid bumps and bruises.

[shycar]

See thats the problem I see. It will not matter if aunt is a stranger to the baby or not. Family comes first no matter what. I have seen over and over again where they send children with family they have never met. I always have concern when they send children to family that is stranger to the child, but it happens all the time. If aunt wants this baby and she passes the homestudy she will most likly get the baby, will not matter if she knows him or not. The more time the baby spends with you will give you more rights to fight, but in most cases foster parents lose and the child leaves anyways.

In my opinion, many will not agree with me, but I see communication as a way for the baby not go with strangers. Thats why I kept communication with my sons b-family, becouse they were planning on taking him, plus they had visits every other week. He did not know them and I did not want him to see him go with another complete stranger. I wanted his transition go smoothly. To go to family no strangers. To my surprise when the sw said that they decided for us to adopt him. I was so happy and yet sad for them. I know this is hard. I have been there more then once. Our son got to stay. We had two babie that did not...they went with family that they did not know. One left screaming and yelling, but family is first. Good luck.

[Lamaena]

Thanks for your input and point of view. My fd is an infant, just 3 months old, so I am not sure how much good it would do to have her see her bfamily. As of now, there are not scheduled visits since both bparents are encarcerated.
I think I will not communicate w/ the aunt as much as I have thus far, but I plan to continue to maintain the lines of communication open.
I will keep you all posted.

[hkolln]

I can only speak from a bio relatives point of view here but we are dealing with FP's that are not returning our phone calls to speak to our Niece.

Our concern is why are they not allowing us to speak to her? Is it they are afraid we will find something out we won't like about them? It is very frustrating when FP's won't allow relationships with other relatives. They should not feel threatened by us. We want to form a relationship with our Niece. Then if she does come to live with us she will know us and have a relationship already. Wouldn't that be better for her then hiding us from her?

[Lamaena]

I wouldn't hide my fd from her bfamily, my concerns are more regarding the amount of communication I have w/ them & what that translates into in front of a judge. I'm sorry u r having such a hard time w/ ur niece's foster family, maybe next time u call u should leave them a short message reassuring them about ur intentions.
I hope everything works out in your nieces best interest.
Best of luck!

[mom2GRLC]

What you might not understand about foster parents is that we "have to" follow the rules. We go through A LOT to become foster parents....and possible foster-adopt parents. It's not that we are Against the birthfamilies...we try and support them in whatever way we can. But not at the expense of loosing our license or the possiblility of having that child pulled from our home. We have to be careful what we say and do, just like the birthparents actions and words are watched....so are ours. Many times it's best to stay neutral and uninvolved with the case....rather than get to involved and get in trouble.

for example....when we were fostering my (now) daughter. Her birthmom spent the first 6 months or so in jail then rehab. She only got to see her about twice during that time. On one of those visits I sent her a letter with pictures and just sharing new updates with her and telling her how much we enjoyed caring for her and how proud we were that she was doing well in her program and that I was making a scrapbook for the little girl of all the pictures we had taken for when she got her back.

Then a week later I got slammed by the social worker. Saying the letter really upset the mother and they were considering moving her from our home. I offered them a copy of the letter and they realized it was innocent and meant no harm. But I was told not to write or send updates again.

After she was in our home for a year we started attending court because they were talking about her coming available for adoption. Each time they would have me testify and several times I had to testify against things her birthmother had been doing.

That put me in a hard position because then I became the enemy. She started blaming me and surely must have thought I was trying to make her loose her baby...which of course was not true...I was just reporting the facts and trying to speak for the child in my care who couldn't speak for herself.

My point is as foster parents we really have no control over the situation and sometimes it's best for us to stay neutral. Our first concern has to be the child in our care and providing for their needs or speaking in their behalf. We have to protect ourselves as well.

[Mared2chuck]

As an aunt who received custody of my nephew from foster care I can say foster famlies are not the enemy. If the bfamily is up front and honest about their intentions with the foster family and the sw things shouldn't be a suprise. I let everyone know I wanted my nephew (he was placed at birth) I stayed stead fast about that. Even paying the foster family support. I lived out of state too. I went to every court date and visited when I could. I was respectful to the family and knew that they had wished to adopt my nephew. I know that they love him and felt horriable for the pain they felt when I received custody. I was granted immediate custody but had said I would wait until noon the following day to pick him up. I wanted to give them time to say good bye and have some private time with him. That was a year and a half ago. My son is a thriving toodler (a bit of a mama's boy ). I am still in contact with his former foster family. We have visited each other since I received custody and they are planning a summer visit that I look foreward too. I think my son cannot have too much love. If done right no has to be the enemy. I think communication is the key. I do know that the sw's changed a lot (in 4.5 months) and were not at all trueful to either of us. They were famous for telling me one thing and the foster family another. The gardian ad liteum was partial to the foster parents and admitted it but in the end had no reason to not recommend the my nephew come with me. They gave a lot of false hope to the foster family and caused my family a lot of undue stress. All I can say to that is in the end God had a plan. I thank God for that everyday and not only did I get the blessing of a new son but I now have additional family . Good luck. You are doing a wonderful thing by helping these children

[marcav]

As an aunt who received custody of my nephew from foster care I can say foster famlies are not the enemy. If the bfamily is up front and honest about their intentions with the foster family and the sw things shouldn't be a suprise. I let everyone know I wanted my nephew (he was placed at birth) I stayed stead fast about that. Even paying the foster family support. I lived out of state too. I went to every court date and visited when I could. I was respectful to the family and knew that they had wished to adopt my nephew. I know that they love him and felt horriable for the pain they felt when I received custody. I was granted immediate custody but had said I would wait until noon the following day to pick him up. I wanted to give them time to say good bye and have some private time with him. That was a year and a half ago. My son is a thriving toodler (a bit of a mama's boy ). I am still in contact with his former foster family.

How I wish all birth families could be like you!

I guess every situation is different, in my case the birth mom abandoned my fs, and dad was unknown. The bfamily was uninterested until birth mom died, then aunt came forward when he was 10 months old. She was asked why she didn't express interest in him earlier, and she stated that she thought mom wanted to put him up for adoption (????). She was ruled out because she did not have enough space in her home. Now that I am in the process of adopting him (TPR granted in January), she told the case worker who contacted her for a picture of birth mom that she moved to a bigger space and would still like custody. He is now 18 months old and she has never shown the slightest interest in even visiting him, let alone pursuing custody. I was told that the department is strongly supporting my adoption and has arranged a bonding assessment because at this point it would be emotionally damaging for him. I would have to say for the child's sake if the relative is that emotionally ambiguous, they shouldn't get the placement.

Mary

[hkolln]

Originally Posted by mom2GRLC

What you might not understand about foster parents is that we "have to" follow the rules. We go through A LOT to become foster parents....and possible foster-adopt parents. It's not that we are Against the birthfamilies...we try and support them in whatever way we can. But not at the expense of loosing our license or the possiblility of having that child pulled from our home. We have to be careful what we say and do, just like the birthparents actions and words are watched....so are ours. Many times it's best to stay neutral and uninvolved with the case....rather than get to involved and get in trouble.

That's interesting you say that because my husband and I became licensed foster parents here it order to have our Niece come live with us. I know exactly what you mean...so I can empathize from both sides of the fence. Considering we are now licensed foster parents AND relatives one would think that would mean something but it doesn't. So, basically we also have to follow the rules ourselves....we have a SW come into our home once a month for a visit but we don't have our Niece. It is kinda frustrating.

And considering the foster parents called us already once one would think they wanted communication. They even allowed my husband to speak to our Niece on the phone. Why all of a sudden are they not allowing that? They were so open to it before. It seems ever since we hired an attorney everyone has stopped speaking...and we are attempting to keep the lines of communication open ourselves. We even mailed a letter to our Niece the other day...

[Lamaena]

Are u entitled to visits or are you hoping the fparents will willingly open up the lines of communication between you and your niece?
I know that my fd's bfamily, as far as I know, does not have rights to visits, and I can certainly tell you that I will only do what I am asked to do by the agency and my fd's cw. Perhaps your niece's fp are feeling the same way, maybe they've chosen to wait for directions before doing anything they either shouldn't do.

[hkolln]

Originally Posted by Lamaena

Are u entitled to visits or are you hoping the fparents will willingly open up the lines of communication between you and your niece?
I know that my fd's bfamily, as far as I know, does not have rights to visits, and I can certainly tell you that I will only do what I am asked to do by the agency and my fd's cw. Perhaps your niece's fp are feeling the same way, maybe they've chosen to wait for directions before doing anything they either shouldn't do.

FSS there is setting up visitation schedules for us while in town. It is up to FSS to do that if they so desire. We don't go thru the FP's for visitation.

Now on phone calls...well considering her Grandmother gets phone calls once a week and visits once a month I would assume the FP's would be ok with us calling also. It seems once they found out our intentions they shut us off. I can't say if that was them or FSS telling them to do that but either way it wasn't right considering her Grandmother has constant contact with her.

And another thing I'm confused about is the Grandparents were asked in the beginning to take our Niece. They live in WA state and our Niece was placed in ID. The Grandparents told FSS they didn't want to take her and left her in foster care. Then we came into the picture. We were told because we were in FL and she was in ID that we would have to wait for TPR to get our Niece here. But then why did the Grandparents have that option in the beginning without TPR? I am so confused at FSS. And I don't trust them anymore. It is sad but it's true.

Hopefully our trip on Tuesday will get us some answers. We so want to see our Niece!