[athikers]

Is anyone here in an open adoption situation with bios who are mentally ill? I have no doubt that my children's bioparents love them very much, but when I think about the likely TPR and adoption I wonder how/if openness can work. My kiddos bioparents have varying mental health issues which hinder their ability to meet the children's needs. What parameters do you set for the health of the parents at visits? Or what time of open arrangement do you have? We've thought about a sort-of "one-sided" arrangement. We send pictures and an update once a year, with the possibility of them sending responses.

[mom2GRLC]

My advice would be to start very slowely and let the relationship evolve. Jumping into a fully open relationship is very difficult. Then when you add mental health issues or drug/alchohol abuse it makes it even harder.

Remember these kids were not volutarily placed for adoption....and even when a parent does sign their rights over many times it's because they don't really have a choice they'd be loosing their rights anyways. So they will already have a lot to accept and deal with around the time of TPR.

What I would recommend is to examine your reasons for wanting an open adoption in the first place. Mostly what your child needs now and in the future and what your family can handle as well as your other children. Then ask yourself how much contact and in what ways you might like to have contact and then start with the very minimum until you gradually build that trust and relationship with them.

[Boulderbabe]

No advice here, just commiseration. It's really hard dealing with people whose behavior sometimes just plain old does not make sense.

I agree with the advice about keeping things slow. My son's bparents have various mental health issues, and while I'm happy to talk with them, I would have some serious reservations about agreeing to visits unless I had some way of knowing how they were just prior to the visit.

[TNfostermom]

Our fd's biomom has mental issues. We are keeping our adoption open. She calls me about once a week and I let her know how my dd is doing. She asks if she can see her whenever she is in town and so far we have gone to see her every time (about once a month or every other month). I never leave the two of them alone. The biomom has other children that have been adopted by other families. Their adoptive parents do not let her have any contact with the children. I think it is healthier for the children and for the bioparents for there to be continued contact, as long as safety is not an issue. She loves her children, she just isn't capable of taking care of them.

[AKMama]

I agree with the others and to take things slow. Also, really think about what you are willing to commit to until the kids are 18. With my two adopted girls (sisters) the father has mental health issues. He concented to the adoption and relinquished his rights. The wording in the paperwork was very open ended for us. SW and lawyers all said it was the best wording and gave us the most control and freedom as far as contact was concerned. We agreed at the time, however, with bdads issues we are now wondering if something more specific (such as one letter a year) would have been more appropriate. He is trying to take advantage of the wording in the adoption degree and does not seem to realize it's not about him but rather the best interest of the children. Just because he may want to see them does not mean it's in their best interest, especially considering his past issues. Anyway, my suggestion would be to think about what you are willing to agree to and also take into consideration the bioparents mental issues and how they may handle or mishandle (whatever the case may be) the contact agreement. Good luck to you!

[DianeS]

I would hesitate to state any opinion about open adoption when the parents are "mentally ill" when there is no name or description of the mental illness included. (Maybe you said it elsewhere and I missed it, so I'm talking just about this post itself.)

Mentall illness can take just as many forms as physical illness can. And I believe the same questions about openness exist in a case where the bio parents have mental illness as when they don't. None of the answers to those questions can be assumed just because the bio parents are mentally ill.

Are the bio parent(s) abusive? Do the children have memories of abuse or neglect that would hinder a future relationship? Would the bio parent(s) attempt to be abusive in the future?
Do the bio parent(s) understand and support the adoption? Has their contact in the past attempted to undermine the new parent-child relationship, or do you believe they would try to do so in the future?
Are the bio parent(s) capable of having a supportive relationship with the children?
Are the bio parent(s) capable of entering into a contractual relationship about openness and upholding their end of it?

That sort of thing. I'm sure there are more. Mental illness is an "issue", certainly, but so are things like general stupidity and anger. And mental illness has quite a range - a bio parent who is quietly depressed is going to be quite different from a bio parent who has bipolar disorder or a rage disorder.

So I think I'd look at the question of openness one small issue at a time. The mental issue will affect the answers, but it is not an answer by itself.

[athikers]

Good points, Diane. I didn't go into the diagnosis' because there are MANY mental health issues (and other issues) between the three parents involved in our case.

And, for us, its a non-issue now as the kids will be transitioning to a relative placement rather than staying with us. But I still think your questions will be helpful for others considering openness in these situations.