[countryparents]

Has anyone has to deal with foster parents who just wouldn't let go, even after a child has been successfully transitioned? We have transitioned our 3/now 4 year old daughter into our adoptive home with connections to the caretakers over a period of a year and a half. Our daughter doesn't ask to see them. She may talk about them, and we talk about them in a loving, caring manner...listening to her talk about memories etc as she wishes. (She is a very articulate and intelligent 4 year old!) This couple has continued to request overnights, visits alone with our daughter... even after our daughter's therapist said no to the overnights and if visits were to occur we were to go as a family. Our therapist we had a year ago assured us most foster parents phase out and away from the child. We would be more than happy to continue the relationship if we felt it would be a benefit to our daughter. However, after a very successful transition and adoption, we have felt that visits have become more for this couple's benefit than our daughters. Plus, many concerns have shown themselves regarding boundaries that are lacking on the woman's part. We feel that a continued relationship could be a problem in the future with what we now know. We have set a boundary with them...we will accept cards, but no gifts and no more visits. Now they are accusing us of harming our daughter's mental well being. We are foster to adopt parents and feel that their lack of training has caused problems. Any input would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

[mrsred]

They are accusing you of harming your daughter's mental health because they think that will get them their way. You don't need to continue this, you are the one in the position to judge what is best for YOUR daughter. You need to tell them that they can accept your terms or not, but that non-negotiable. Maybe a break for a few months, then if they would like to come for lunch, or meet somewhere for lunch....

[aoshea]

Hi had the exact same issue with my 4 now 5 year old daughter A. The previous foster mother S (she was unlicensed - a distant associate of the birthmom) would not let go. I tried to allow visits for some time, but S would not honor my wishes. She showered A with presents everytime she saw her and when I tried to limit contact she called the social worker. After visits A was very confused - our attachment was not as strong - and she didn't know how to handle her feelings. I think the attachment goes both ways. It was hard for me to feel attached with the constant reminder of not being her only mom and I think she wondered if she was returning to S for good and leaving me. If that wasn't hard enough - she would bring presents from my daughters other "mommies" - people who I are not healthy and I did not want my daughter being reminded of. Finally - I reduced the relationship to cards, presents through mail and emails. No phone calls, no visits. It was just too hard on my family. Since that time, my daughter and I have been more connected and as time goes by, A is able to let go of her previous attachments and focus on our family.

[aoshea]

I forgot to mention that my foster adopt daughter had many previous caretakers and had a problem wanting everybody to be "mommy". Even though social services says to preserve past contacts - I think we needed to look at how the contacts are affecting our daughter and family. In theory, it's great to keep connections. In reality, my daughter is not old enough to understand these reunions and doesn't yet trust that our relationship is "forever". I believe it's necessary for her to let go of the difficult past for a while because she's not developmentally or emotionally able to handle it. Also, I have to be honest with myself - it is hard enough raising a traumatized foster child without outsiders retraumatizing my child. It was just more than I could handle. From this point on - when possible - all presents go through me. My daughter doesn't need 5 temporary mommies. She needs one forever mom.

[countryparents]

Yes, we dealt with gifts also. I have to say that I feel relieved now that we have said no to anymore visits. Our daughter has no idea anything is wrong. What blows my mind is that this couple took our letter to a psychologist to get his opinion...they broke confidentiality as they have no right to be involving other professionals in our business. They wrote us a letter saying we needed to see a psychologist or psychiatrist as a family. I personally have a degree in counseling (but have sought out other professional advice throughout this process to make sure I was objective). This couple basically insulted me, the state and any other professionals our family has talked too. If it weren't so maddening, it would be humorous.
Thanks again for reading and offering your input!!!

[countryparents]

That is the way we feel also. Yet it is difficult when you are dealing with two professional people in fields that would make you think they should know better.Personally, we feel the husband "gets it" to a degree, but now is listening more to his wife. I am not going to call him to tell him our concerns and get in the middle of a marriage. We stated to them in a letter that we have concerns over boundaries, but they never asked what we were talking about. I have a list of things too long to list here. I have had experience as a counselor for nine years. Knowing this, we still sought out other professional advice throughout this process to make sure we were being objective. I thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts. At this point I don't think we will be having dinner together as they sent us a letter telling us that we need to take our family to a psychologist. We actually have two in our family! The letter was pretty threatening so we feel we need to cut off all contact, other than accepting cards for our daughter and sending them updates once in awhile.