[mckenna]

i have an almost 5 year old and a 1y/o. we have some contact with birth gps. our relationship has been strained as of late but we do have contact. they know i changed my son's name, but not my daughter yet. when i send pictures i still use her birthname as she is not yet adopted. i don't know why i am so stressed about this whole name thing, since it has happened once before but how do you who have changed first and or middle names deal with telling birth families?

[Happy123]

I have changed the complete name of the infant we are going to adopt. I changed the middle/last name on the older 2. I wanted to change the older children's first names, but I felt they were to old (4 and 2).

When I talk or write the BPs, I use their old names. I do this just to avoid the drama.
Happy123

[ALI143]

Our dd's fmom is very very attached to our daughter and even named her. When we finalize I'm sending a happy announcement with it on there. I don't know if it's gonna go over well, but I'll let them know they are welcome to call her whatever they like, but her friends and family call her Newname.

[mom2GRLC]

We changed all of our kids names...some of them completely and others we kept part of the original name. Birthfamilies have taken it differently.

With G we never met his bmom and wrote her a long letter about us and him expliaing everything. One of the first things I addressd was his new name and why we picked it out. I got a letter back from a friend of hers saying she couldn't read more than the first couple paragraphs without becoming overwhelmed so she had him hold onto it until she was able to read it, but we still haven't heard back from her. I'm not sure if it had to do with the name or something else? We have talked to his bgrandparents once and they have sent him a couple cards. He just started going by his first middle name which is his new name....but they don't know that yet. I'm not sure how they will feel when i write them and tell them that.

With my daughter R her bmom was not happy about it but said she would respect our decision. For the next few phone calls she had completely avoided both names. But the day we called to tell her we got the adoption papers backa dn to tell her her Whole new name(she already new what her new first name would be) she decided to "assert her motherly authority" and called her by her bname on purpose. It really caused a lot of problems for my daughter and our relationship that was already very rocky became much more tense. She finally wrote a note saying she couldn't call her by her new name so instead she would call her "baby girl or "pretty girl". I was fine with that....I understood it would be hard for her to transition, but as long as she wasn't disrespecting our wishes by calling her the bname we were ok with that. Well....fast foreward just a bit and our relationship became more and more rocky. To the point where we had to take a break because of safety concerns. Well, her bmom must have thought it was more because of the name issue...so all of a sudden had a change of heart and decided to call her by the new name. We still took a break and finally did start to get back in contact around Novemeber. Our relationship has still been very rocky....but as far as the name issue goes she and her family are calling her by her new name.

With L we got her at 5 days old. Her name has been chnaged completely although she does have the same first 2 initials as her bmom. We have a closed adoption with her. But if it ever were to open up I think she would be ok with the name change....because I was told she originally didn't name her because she thought that was up to the adoptive parents....she didn't even know she could, the socail worker told her she could so she gave her a name she had been thinking about through out her pregnancy. It is a beautiful name and will always be treasured. But she does go by her new name.

With our fs C, we got him when he was 8weeks old. We were told from day 1 he would be coming up for adoption so we figured out his name very early and started introducing it to him, along with his other names he goes by. The social worker always calls him by his first name so that is what we use around his family or at doctors offices etc. His family uses his middle name(which I don't care that much for). At home and around all our friends and family we use his new name. His TPR hearing is set for 2 weeks from now and after that we will begin caling him by his new name in front of his grandma(with social workers permission of course) because she will continue to have visits until the adoption is finalized and we plan on maintaining contact as well in what ever way we can.

She is very accepting of the adoption and Knows we have changed all of our kids names. Plus she has heard me slip a few times, so I suspect she already knows what we intend on calling him. I hope she does make the transition willingly and easy since she does want us to adopt so bad. I hope it wont be a problem.

[mckenna]

with my son, i got him when he was 4 months old, 16 months later his bmom terminated her rights. the day she came to court, to do so, i was there for the hearing (as the case worker "forgot to tell me about the voluntary surrender ). bmom told me, which in the end was actually a more specail moment. however as we were walking in to the court room, she turned to me and asked if i would be changing his name. i was caught off gaurd. i said, i had been thinking about it, but had not officially decided. i don't know why i said that. i did know i was going to change his name. i lated told mom and she accepted it better than i thought. she never again used his birthname. we had a "great" or as best as it can be through foster care, relation ship, even while i was fostering another of her children. then a third child came into custody and came to live with me, it was more clear this time that they were going towards tpr. our relationship changed and she did and said things that make it very hard to ever have an open relation ship with her.

we still communicate with bgps. they know my son's new name and use it (they slip up calling him the old name more than bmom which i find strange, cuz they did not even meet him till he was my son and had a new name?) with my new daughter i just don't have the courage to tell them her new name, i don't know why???

[fostadoptblog]

This is a great dialog, and I think I'll go blog about it later, but we adopted our daughter and kept her birth first name. I thought it was a very weird name since Bmom made it up, and I always thought I'd change it, but after fostering her for a year and calling her by that name, well, we just kept it after the adoption went through. We did change her middle name, but I"ve never had the heart to tell BMom whom we still see. Bmom LOVES the middle name, which was even weirder....

[nelwywed1311]

I remember the day I found out my daughters 'new' adopted name. It was a devastating experience. Even though she had been with her AP's for a few months and I knew it would be changed, it was still a real kick in the guts when I heard it. It was like that last little bit of what I gave her was taken away. It was something I grieved for a long time. At first I didnt want to refer to her by her new name, however obviously, over time I have. It would not make sense not to, as that is what she knows herself as.
It's almost like there's two different children, my 'Chantelle' and the AP's 'Erin', though of course there isn't. They are one and the same person. 18 years later, I just accept that.
But, it was a distressing experience when I heard that it had occurred.

[ALI143]

Thank you Nelwywed for your perspective. I've wondered.

[jondy]

thanks for your response to this. we are adopting our FS and will change his name. The SW and others know. I told them not to tell the Bmom yet because it was just too soon and I thought it would be hard. Also, we have a plan where she will see him once a year. I was asked what I will do when she calls him by his birth name. I said I'll do nothing! She can call him by that - he will know what his birth name was and that is fine with me. She can start calling him his newname when and if she's ready to.

[echaos]

Originally Posted by Happy123

When I talk or write the BPs, I use their old names. I do this just to avoid the drama.
Happy123

I can understand why you would want to do this, but I'm interested in how you address this (or plan to) with the kids themselves?

[mckenna]

i was thinking the same thing. i won't currently let my son around bfam cuz i know he will correct them when they use the wrong name.

[jondy]

honestly, I don't have a plan Our son is just one year old now. But for the past year he has been called by his birthname and we just recently changed it. So, my whole extended family, and the whole church congregation have been calling him by one name and have just started using the newname. The transition may take time. I have a nephew who whispered to my son "you'll always be *birthname* to me". In my family I think it will just be a naturally occuring thing that he will know his birth name. My father calls him Frockmorten.... I don't know why. We have so many nicknames, etc in our family - that this will probably seem normal to our son. Do we sound crazy?! LOL

[Calebsmom]

Naming is an important part of the claiming and attachment process. If it is seen in that light, it's to the child's benefit that the adoptive parents are well attached to him or her.

My son's original name was used again for the next biological half-sibling. That upset me as his adoptive mom, because I worried that he would feel rejection. I thought that his original name would be respected as only belonging to him. But this is equally the biological family's right to do, just as my changing DS' first name is our right. And I needed to name my child. Right now, DS doesn't mind that out there he has a younger half-brother with his former name (I told him right away, we don't let uncomfortable situations stew) because, as he said amusedly, "it sounds like (vegetable)". However, we retained that name as his middle name, and he would never change it. So he does claim it as his own, but is glad to have the name we gave him be the one that he uses every day.

I do know that DS' biological father preferred to call DS by the original name. He would address him as that name for a long time. DS' biological mother never used the original name to us.

[Calebsmom]

Frockmorten lol. I love it! We use silly names for each other, too. Bet your dad's a fun person. Names like that are all done out of love. You are blessed.

[Umbilical child]

Originally Posted by Calebsmom

Naming is an important part of the claiming and attachment process. If it is seen in that light, it's to the child's benefit that the adoptive parents are well attached to him or her.
.

I am curious how it is to the childs benefit...I am an adoptee I still have the same first name given to me by my Biological Mum. It is the only thing that came with me and I am forever grateful my A parents didn't change it.....I really don't know why there is a need to change a child's name at all..