[62362]

I have been reunited with my birth family now since about Thanksgiving.. I have met two sisters, and some aunts and uncles on my b-mom's side.. I have broke through to my b-fathers side and have talked with my half-brother.. I have not met anyone yet on that side of the family.. I am looking forward to meeting all of my new family members..

I never expected to learn that my mom became a Internationally known supermodel, and in time would have had the means to support me afterall.. I deal with alot of anger toward her on this, I guess I never thought my story would unfold as it has.. I have pictures of her, and they are professionally done, she and I look alot alike in our 20's.. Its wierd to see a version of me, on a magazine cover.. Am I wrong to feel slighted and abandonded? I actually feel like she dumped me, and moved on for success.. Then at time I do not feel anger.. ERRRRRR I guess what I am saying is that, in searching - be prepared for anything that unfold.. You have not control whatsoever on how much or what the content is that you learn..

I am coping, I love my new family members - they have missed me forever.. And my b-fathers side seem eager to meet me as well.. sigh.. I am up in the air on how I should feel..

http://www.geocities.com/susieorcricket/scf.html

[Stephaniesbmom]

Hi 62362,

I am a birthmother who has just contacted my daughter (she is 19) this January. We have talked on the phone a couple of times, and she says she wants to take things slow. I am replying to your post because I wonder if she feels like you (on a much smaller scale).

Your mom being a super-model must be very strange for you. But you may want to consider this, your mom may have had no way of knowing that she could be a super model at the time she was pregnant with you. Even though she loved you, she may have not been able to give you the type of life she felt was important for you. As for me, I was destitute at the time I was pregnant, but shortly afterward I met a wonderful man. I was going to college and had good potential of making a good living, but I didn't have the means at the critical time to keep my baby. I have to admit that I feel guilty, bad, stupid and angry for not believing in myself long enough to keep my daughter. That is the pain, guilt and sadness I carry with me every day.

Hey, you have every right to feel anger or what ever you do feel towards your bmother. But remember all of us are human and don't always do the right thing. I would urge you to try and keep an open mind until you know all the details. This reunion thing is not easy and it's a roller coaster ride at best.


Hang in there!

[62362]

Thankyou Stephanies Mom...
I am so glad that there are people (b-mom's ) like you that want to share.. It's almost like her voice of reasoning for me..
My b-mom is no longer alive, but can talk through all of your words.. I hear your pain, and reasoning, and can analyze things and try to put things in perspective.. I am trying.
Your right.. there are no road maps for this..

Thanks!
Susie

http://www.geocities.com/susieorcricket/scf.html

[strosnstars]

Hey Susie,

Im so sorry you do not have the chance to actually talk to your B-Mom so she can share with you exactly what was going through her mind at the time. I wish I could have looked into a crystal ball and be able to look down the road to see my own financial success and that the situation, which at the time seemed insurmountable, would indeed change and I would have the ability to eventually raise my son and give him all the things that everyone convinced me he needed. But whose to say if I would have been able to go on to any success if I had fought against the pressure and kept him. A person could go crazy trying to figure it out.

You have no idea the pressure thats put on unwed mothers to give up their children to "good, stable, 2 parent homes" The shame and guilt is unbearable. Even today!! Especially today when there are so many infertile couples willing to do, say, and pay anything to get the babies they feel they are entitled to. If we try to hang on to our babies we are labled SELFISH and made to believe that our children will suffer. Maybe your B-Mom had to deal with this.

Im so happy you have found some of your birthfamily and that they have welcomed you into their lives. Thats so much more than a lot of the adoptees ever get. It will take time for you to reconcile the "fantasy" birthmom with the woman she really was. Its a grieving process. But you seem very loving and Im sure when all is said and done, you will make peace with the woman who gave you life and chose to make sure you had a good life.

AS for me, Im happily reunited with my 23 year old son. He's getting married this year and I have the joy of helping them plan and be a part of this joyous occasion. Which is a thousand times more than I ever though I would have .

Enjoy your new family and keep an open heart and mind. You are indeed blessed.

Hugs, Laura

[62362]

I love the name Laura!
Its the same name as one of my new half-sisters..

Thanks Laura fo those kind words..
I know that my B-mom went through an internal hell
during her adult life.. I have been told by so many
family and friends of hers..

I have heard that on her trans-atlantic flights, she
confided with her best friend (that told me) that she
took that time to search her life, and ponder decisions
she made long ago.. He (best friend) tells me so many
wonderful rich stories, that I hang on every word..

I was told that she was very depressed about the last
few years of her life.. She had wondered and always
wanted to be a grandmother (she was) only she never
knew it.. She died twenty miles away from where I live..

This is so sad, to think she was soooooo close..
we were separated by time and air... just like everyone
else.. it dosent matter how much time or how much air..

Thanks Laura!!
Everyone's words mean so much to me..
Therapy...

[Stephaniesbmom]

Susie,

I am so sorry to hear of your loss...it breaks my heart to know your b-mom was so close, but still never had the pleasure/relief/happiness of meeting you. You are so right when you said we never know how much time or how much air we each have.

I just hope that some of the empty spots can be filled in from your half sisters and other birthfamily members.

Hoping all the best for you!

Chris

[62362]

She is beautiful! She will always be..
and seeing her is like looking back in time for me, when I was in my 20's.. We are identical..

[raybuffer]

Unfortunately relinquishment is about sacrifice whether it be in order to pursue a dream of being a model, or simply a sacrifice that allows one to complete highschool, or escape being ostracized, or a myriad of other reasons.

Your post does make one wonder about what most adoptees probably avoid thinking about as a defense mechanism: "What if my birthmother is better off than I am?"

I think in a secretive way, many adoptees envision that they have had a better life than their birthmothers. It helps to even out the creeping feelings of abandonment, and cushion them for the wost if upon their reunion/revelation they find that their birthparents are criminals or career homeless.

Recently in the news, a male adoptee in the USA found out that he is in fact an African Prince.

It is interesting that you are uneasy with the prospect of how your birthmother has thrived in your absence. Consider this:

Many celebrities and people in the public eye, also have many secret problems. It could be that despite your mother's success a part of her is damaged all the same by having to relinquish you to adoption.

In part, I guess reunion can cause one to be introspective about their worth. When you feel uneasy about the apparent happiness and fortune of those in your birthfamily try to remember the positive sequences in your own life that you would have been denied had you not been adopted. Think about the good things you have now and today and realize that you are lucky to be reunited and on the road to closure.

My Best Regards,


Ray Buffer



www.raybuffer.com
www.adoptee.2ya.com

Director
Adoptees Caucus for Truth (ACT)
http://act.vze.com

Board Member and Registry Owner
Florida Search Network
www.floridasearchnetwork.web1000.com/
www.reunion.vze.com

Moderator
Adoptee Activists
www.activist.vze.com

SIGN THIS PETITION: http://obc.2ya.com

[rapunzel]

I have never regreted not being raised by my birthmother. Sometimes I feel angry that I couldn't just be the child of the parents I love. Meanwhile my birthmother is an engaging, passionate person whom I respect. It's hard to reconcile.

[Sharon]

"I think in a secretive way, many adoptees envision that they have had a better life than their birthmothers. It helps to even out the creeping feelings of abandonment, and cushion them for the wost if upon their reunion/revelation they find that their birthparents are criminals or career homeless." ~Ray

I believe this is true. I've seen the reverse of it occasionally on the birthparent threads... birthmothers who seem almost disappointed that the children they placed for adoption had happy childhoods and wonderful aparents. This means that their children have no real need of them, at least not as substitute parents. They already have parents they adore. There is no "primal wound", no empty birthmom-shaped hole in their life that needs filling. As a birthmom, I've struggled with this myself, on occasion. I'll start thinking, "What if... what if... he really isn't happy with his aparents? What if he comes back and needs me to be his mother someday?"
Then I give myself a slap. I placed my son for adoption so that he could have a happy life with parents who love him, who he loves. I don't want anything else for him. I would never wish an unhappy childhood on him, even if it meant I could have him back someday; I do not wish it.
It sounds like maybe it's the same for some adoptees... maybe some secret part of them wishes to find that their birthparents never continued on with their lives after relinquishing them, but pined away instead. Maybe it hurts to know that some birthparents (at least by all outward appearances) get over the loss.
I'm not condemning anyone for their feelings; feelings are not right or wrong, they just are. But we should all try to rejoice at the success of our loved ones... even if their success happened without and in spite of us.
Susie, I'm sorry you never got to meet your birthmom. I'm sure she would've been proud of you. No matter how great her success or how full her life was, I'm sure it would've been better if she could've held you in her arms just once. No matter what it looks like from your perspective, I don't believe any mother who is separated from her child can ever be completely happy or fulfilled.
Best wishes to you.
~Shar

[KatieMill]

When I was in college, I met a wonderful woman who years before had given up a daughter for adoption. At the time I knew her, she had such an amazing life and had really come to amazing self-awareness with a very bright future ahead of her.

Many discussions were had in groups and in private about the hard decision she had made. She told us that she had to base her decision on where she was and what she could provide for that child....at that time. She said that she did not feel she could ever go back now and question the decisions she had made then...based on her life circumstances now (which were much better) or even her knowledge, per se, now.

She made the decision to place her child for adoption at a time when open adoption wasn't even discussed...nor was getting to choose the a-parents, if desired. She told us that she knew she made the right decision for her child...at that time...and she did not allow herself to question that decision at this place in her life. She also hoped that one day her daughter would like to meet her .... but did not want to pursue any contact with the a-parents or her daughter until they sought her out...because she did not want to threaten or induce feelings of insecurity, in anyway, for either her daughter or her parents.

I offer this reflection because it taught me so much...and now as a waiting a-parent...I ponder it often. It has helped me understand the importance of open adoption...and in the event that our bmom chooses to remain somewhat distant...and later wants to open communication before our child is 18--I will have experience to rely on to help me understand better and keep my feelings of fear at bay....

I also have several family members that are adopted. Very positive situations. They have always been told how loving the choice was of their b-parents...And that you have to understand the decision in context of that exact time in life....I don't believe it is fair for the child, bparent, or aparents...to judge or formulate opions of the bparents on their initial placing decision based on the bparents subsequent success in life. By success, I mean basically a healthier and/or more prosperous circumstance than at time of placement.

I hope I am making sense. I hope you can see that perhaps she made the most loving and best choice she could at that time of her life....and maybe she never let herself become at peace with that decision in her later successes...which led to more troubled times even in her success...as you refer to the discussions between your bmom and her best friend.

I believe that all members of the triad suffer at the hands of a society that rejoice for a-parents when they adopt...at the same time they say how could someone have given this child or any child up for adoption...and then label the child "adopted" --instead of the a-parents just "child". We are bombarded in the media with stories of heartache and sadness over adoption - instead of the many successes that adoption births everyday. Hopefully, as this forums helps and educates, we as members of the triad can bring forth more education and self-awareness to all our members...and help one another and eventually society see that the decisions, for or against adoption, made by birthmothers are so critical...and need to be applauded and supported...not judged so harshly.

I hope that you will find peace in this situation. I regret for you that you and your bmother were so close in proximity and never able to reach. I will keep you in my prayers...and pray that receive the info you are searching for...and some clarity in your bmother's life and decisions.

[62362]

I have now been reunited with my biological
birth family for one year (November 25th) !!!

I have learned so much over the first year, and still
there are new family members to meet.. This family
is very huge! and very welcoming...

I have learned that I need to deal with the Anger
with my biological birth Mother... I went to NY
to visit with my two sisters and meet my brother, and
had a difficult time with being in the area.. NYC was
my B-mom's town, her turf.. A part or turf of her personal
life I was never invited to be a part of.. I managed to
walk right to the apartment building that she lived in
when she lived in NYC, and I have never been to NYC.

I need to get past this angry feeling that I have with her..
She moved on so quickly in life, and became so successful and
I will never know if she ever thought about me, and whats become of me.. IT WAS ALL AT MY EXPENSE.. She would have
never become the person she did, had it not been for me, and her adopting me out.. She moved on and made millions shortly after discarding me out of her life, and now she is gone (died in 1997) and I will never know her guilt or her pain.. All I know is her wealth after me.. This eats me up inside.. I will in turn get past it, but one year later - I am still angry...

I love my new family - they have welcomed me with open arms, and understand my pain and emotions I wrestle with..
Thanks
Cricket/Susie

[62362]

I am not sure what I think is better..

Finding out too much? Or not finding out what
you needed to!

There are so many unanswered questions that I have.
I will never know the answers..
and then,,

There is so much information that I have found out!
Both my B-Parents have passed away...
I will never know their guilt!
I will never know how much they thought about me..
I will never know when they thought about me..
I will never know their dreams for me..
I will never know their tears for me..

Do I really want to know this?
Yes..
Is it important now?
No..
I cannot change time... Only change the future
with my new B-family..

Life is hard..
I am so grateful that I know what I know..
A little over a year ago..
I was just like every adoptee that wants to know more..
Today - I know more...
And dont like what I find out...
I never thought I would have the choice to feel the
way I do...
Hang on...
And be you!! be me...
S

[vicrose]

I am an adoptee that searched for and found my birthmother. My birthmother did not want contact..so I wrote my birthgrandmother a letter that I KNEW would somehow get back to my birthmother. In the letter I described the way I had felt about my birthmother for all of my life...I truly loved her, and only wanted to find her to tell her Thank You...Thank You for giving me to such a nice family, and my only wish was that my birthmother was able to get on with her life after giving me up for adoption...I never harbored any anger towards her..only love and admiration for the selfless act that she had done for me. You have found your birthfamily...relish in today...you are one of the few who has birthfamily that wants to embrace you....let go of the anger...live for today, and enjoy you new times with your birthfamily!!!! Hugs, Brenda

[62362]

Time eases everything...

Yes - a reunited adoptee does go through
a transformation..

There is a honeymoon period, and then the
angry period, and then comes acceptance.

I think I am accepting things a little better
than a year ago. I have come to accept
certain things that can be very sad to face.

We need to get these feelings out into words
so someone can hear them.. Then we hear
them over and over again, and then we learn
to accept them..

I have been home now for a little over a year.
I am faced with that daily, by either a phone
call from a new family/friend member.. Or
someone within my own family reminds me..
Bear with it all..
it will create the path you need..

Susie or Cricket

http://www.geocities.com/susieorcricket/scf.html