[62362]

Did you know that I talk to you every day...
On my way to work, alone in the car...
riding in elevators, I am telling you things..
Your on the other end of the phone, in
my thoughts, when I have been put on hold...
Your never that far away....

These things I tell you are not really that important..
But the words count, and I know your
listening... Your spirit is all that is left
of you... At night you a star in the sky now..

I wanted so badly to be able to talk to you..
I needed you to tell me once in my life...
That I was doing the right thing... Or that you
approved of my decisions, or that you were proud
of me..

Silence cannot do that for you... You passed
away before I got to come home....
I miss you Mom...
Did you miss me?? Ever??

We'll talk again tomorrow.. in the car...
Love you -
Susie...

p.s. Listen to the Car stereo... I like
the words Ozzie Osbourne sings.. the words
describe my thought today...

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Times have changed and times are strange
Here I come, but I ain’t the same
Mama, I’m coming home
Times gone by seem to be
You could have been a better friend to me
Mama, I’m coming home

You took me in and you drove me out
Yeah, you had me hypnotized
Lost and found and turned aroound
By the fire in your eyes

You made me cry, you told me lies
But I can’t stand to say goodbye
Mama, I’m coming home

[62362]

I have grown so much since I was found...
Although being apart from my new birth siblings..
Its hard to garden your relationship...
and yet at the same time, weeds grow in your
relationship with your adoptive family...

Someday I will have a perfect garden...

I work so hard on making sure that my life
works in all my relationships... There is just
not enough of me to go around...

It must be Spring because I feel like gardening!
I will forever want all my relationships to bloom..

SusieQ
aka Cricket

[arkitoure]

Originally Posted by 62362

I have been reunited with my birth family now since about Thanksgiving.. I have met two sisters, and some aunts and uncles on my b-mom's side.. I have broke through to my b-fathers side and have talked with my half-brother.. I have not met anyone yet on that side of the family.. I am looking forward to meeting all of my new family members..

I never expected to learn that my mom became a Internationally known supermodel, and in time would have had the means to support me afterall.. I deal with alot of anger toward her on this, I guess I never thought my story would unfold as it has.. I have pictures of her, and they are professionally done, she and I look alot alike in our 20's.. Its wierd to see a version of me, on a magazine cover.. Am I wrong to feel slighted and abandonded? I actually feel like she dumped me, and moved on for success.. Then at time I do not feel anger.. ERRRRRR I guess what I am saying is that, in searching - be prepared for anything that unfold.. You have not control whatsoever on how much or what the content is that you learn..

I am coping, I love my new family members - they have missed me forever.. And my b-fathers side seem eager to meet me as well.. sigh.. I am up in the air on how I should feel..

http://www.geocities.com/susieorcricket/scf.html

This is a great story!

I have never met my biological parents. When i was able to access my papers from where I was adopted I learned that my mother was a big model and my father was a dj and was going into photography. This instantly explained why I was so different from my family, them being mainly right brained! But this is all I was shown along with some health history and very subtle mentions to my grandparents. Nothing I can really go on and find them. I am 28 now and according to the adoption papers my mom should be in her late 40's. They had a little less info on my biological father, which was kind of suspicious. All they wrote of was his features and complexion.

Anyway I would love to gather info on how I could locate them. Its been on my mind since I was 20 so I should prob do it before I loose it! lol

-Cheers, Kal

[62362]

Its so beautiful out today..


I often think about coming to visit your Final resting place.... You (B-Mom) are resting along the shores of beautiful Lake Superior... Your placed in a remote burial place...

I have been to see you four times... Each time it gets
a little easier... I often think that... Even though I was the one that you cast out of the family... I am the only one that has come to see you in your final resting place... I am the only one of your children that still lives in the place your were born... Your other children who you raised, baked birthday cakes for and hallowed out Pumkins on Halloween have never been to see you in your final resting place....

Why was I not the one you raised????

Why am I the only one that comes to see you???

Why am I the only one that oversee's the maintenance of where you rest??? When you never oversaw any of my maintenance....

Another Spring day.... Time for everything new, including all old feelings...
Love,
Cricket

[62362]

Another month gone by...
Another season to begin..

I miss you both so much...
I have always wanted to spend the day
with you eating ice cream cones, playing
with sidewalk chalk.. or watching the
waves along Lake Calhoun...

I am now too old to play with Chalk..
And Lake Calhoun has frozen and thawed
many many times..

I do still eat ice cream cones..
although I will never know your favortie kind..

Let's do this when we meet again..
in the spirit world..
Love to both of you...

Suzi/Cricket..

http://www.myspace.com/susieorcricket

[62362]

Happy 4th to both of you...

I am not sure if I will ever be able to forget
that we did not share so many memoriable
days.. Easter.. Christmas's 4th of July's...

You were not around when I held my first
sparklers.. You did not see my face when
I saw my first Fireworks.. Did you ever
know that I was afraid of the noises???

You left me... That's how I see it today...
You left me to see the wondrous sights with
complete Strangers, who turned into the most
loving people I could imagine.. They replaced
you in every way... Right down to name..

Happy 4th of July....
I am proud of who I became without you..
Love,
Cricket/Susie

[maj]

Dear Cricket,

If you are so proud of who you are, then why so bitter?
MAJ

[62362]

MAJ:

I am not bitter... It's a form of healing process...
It's a tough pill to swallow being left behind..

My Birth Mother within 5 years of adopting me out became VERY successful. I am proud of her accomplishments.. What I struggle with is that she moved on and out and never looked back.

My B Mother adopted me out because she had no means for support for me, and was very young at the time of my birth. The Stigma of being a young single Native American girl was doom in the early 1960's.

She ended up making Millions within 5 years after I was adopted out. I can't help but think that it was all at my expense.

She died in 1997 and I will never have the opportunities to talk to her about it all. So excuse me if I feel like I have been robbed many times.

I will never know just how much she thought about me, or if she ever was close to reaching out for me. These words are my salvation..

I live with questions that go unanswered about why she never looked back... Even when she had the means to catch a glimpse...

http://www.myspace.com/susieorcricket

[62362]

It's yet another spring day..

I think I have figured out why my immediate family can become so pissed at the fact that I am spending more and more time with my birth family..

It's that I have placed these new people in their lives.. (My Birth Family Members) on the same plateau as my immediate family members...

To them.. perhaps they didn't earn that level yet? For me... I hold them all in high regard, thats just me.. They are my family... They will always be my family..

Even though there is nothing but allot of time lost between those steps..

Sometimes its the immediate family members that suddenly become strangers -instead of the birth family members.. They act like I have never seen them capable of such reactions..

Be kind and have patience please.. Everyone is important to me... without anyof you I could not be me..
Cricket/Susie

[62362]

I can still feel your presence all around me Mom..

You've been gone for many years..
You died in 1997 before I got the chance
to see you again..

Sometimes I think of you almost like a frail
moth., fluttering all about, and you've lost
your beauty...

Somedays I think I see you in the crowds
of downtown Minneapolis. Your there for
just a moment and then your gone..

I cannot explain why I feel that your with
me... I sometimes feel like I hold your fate
for your final journey.. I will not forgive you
for so much, and thats why I feel like your
still lingering about..

I cannot and will not release you yet.
I love you, but do not forgive you (yet)..
It will happen someday.. but when I am
not sure of..

Flutter about - I wonder if your tired yet?
Cricket/Susie

[62362]

My poem was published on this website today!
I DREAM OF YOU EVERY DAY

I dream of you every day,
You are within my heart.
I smile and I feel I smile like you,
I stand and know that these are your legs.
I turn my head just as you did,
My hands hold the same way you held.
My nails are the same shape as yours,
My posture is your shadow on a sunny day.

I will never have the opportunity to meet you,
I will forever feel you, though.
Your family has found me at last,
And they have told me you're in Heaven.
They told me you looked for me,
They told me you loved me,
They told me I am just as you were.
I am your shadow on earth,
And you are my Sun.


I will never get to touch you with these hands,
Never get to walk next to you.
Never put my head on your shoulder,
Never get to stand next to you.
But I am here, with your family now,
I am another version of you.
Your family loves me, as they did you,
I am so sorry we did not get to meet again.


We will be together again someday,
For now...
I am here with them, for you, for me.
I love you Mom.




~ Cricket
This is a poem I wrote after being reunited with my birth family, and learning that my B-Mom had died in 1997.


Adoption Week - Article for April 17, 2007

[62362]

Mom..

I need you so much...
I want to be able to tell you everything that crosses my mind about life in general..

Your gone -- and we did not get this opportunity.
How come you did not realize that this would have
been a good thing to do??

I feel so abandonded at times... I just don't think I will ever be able to forgive you.. You turned your back and walked away, but then raised other children.

Why these children? Why were they so special?? and I was not?? If your sould depends on my forgiveness.. Then plan on lingering in limbo for a long time... It hurts that I was not part of your life.

I need you so much at times, and your not here for me.
Will you be there for me when I am a spirit?? or will you ditch me then too???

Love,
Cricket...

[62362]

This is finally Mother's Day Weekend..
I hope your resting well...

I am Sorry that I have still not found a way to Forgive you yet.. I know that it was for the best., but I guess I will never really understand why you did not try to come back to find me..

Didn't you wonder if I was safe??
Didn't you want to see how I had grown??
Didn't you wonder about my personality??
Didn't you wonder if my A-Parents were good to me??

I wonderd every day of my life..

Leaving or dying without letting me know was safe for you.. But I am Sorry - biut I am just not ready to forgive you yet. I have forgiveness but on so many different levels..

I wish you a Happy Mothers Day..
I Thank you for giving Birth to me., but that is all I am capable of at this time..
love,
Cricket

[62362]

I have two Moms..

One who gave Birth to me..
And one who sheltered me when the other one turned her back on me...

I am Thankful for Life, but I am more Thankful for the Mother who blew kisses on my scrapped knee.. The one who stayed up until midnight working on my Art project that was due, after I had been asleep for hours..
The one who made my lunch for school every school morning.. The one who saved up grocery money to buy me a new outfit in the middle of the school year.. The one who stood at the front door waiting for me to come home from dates..

She is the inspiration in my life.. She is the music that I make because she taught me all the lessons I will need to walk through this life.. I have inherited her habits and desires in life. she showed me the way..

She was the best Mother and is still here for me..
I love this Mother because she never gave up on me..

The one that gave birth?? She lost out on me.
She will never know what she missed out on.. There is no getting that back.. Lost.. Lost.. Lost..

Happy Mothers Day Virginia..

For Cathee - This was just another Sunday for you..

Susie

[62362]

I got to see my Mom this past Holiday weekend..
My parents winter in Arizona, and have been
gone all winter..

They have come home.. I brought them to their lake home in northern MN this past Holiday weekend.

My adoptive parents are 85 and 88 years old..
I do not know how many more spring greets I will get with them.. I was so happy to see them, and
I am instantly transformed into their little girl again..

I feel whole once again.,,
I love them both sooooo much..

They pumped the life into me, and gave me all
my direction in life..

I thank God for both of them..
xoxo
Love you Mom and Dad