[62362]

Its been a couple years now since my heart beats within my biological family...

They call less and less, the Honeymoon stage
has passed... I am "in" the family now and have taken my place within both sides of the family..

On my Biological Fathers side - I am the eldest (native american) sibling, and have been asked to be the primary family member that makes decisions. This is a great responsibility.. I do not know the family yet. However I have walked into my place with respect and regard..

My Bio Mothers family will always be there for me.. They have told me that I have had status in the family all these years.. I was like a story book character that has now come to life..

My adoptive parents are still alive and in their late 80's. It will be a sad day when I lose them.. I think that the "Creator" has guided me to my bio family to cushen the blow when I lose my adoptive parents.. They could never take their place.. Only a comfort from loved ones that are blood.. Just like a security blanket when you over 40 years old..

The tables have turned...
Susie and Cricket...

[62362]

Its been almost 2 1/2 years since I have been found.
And yet still - I feel as if I will never be found...

I grew up soooo many years away from my B-family.
So many years have gone by, so many glances and
habits and histories have been played out already..

One asked themselves - Will I ever belong? And
will I ever gain back what was lost so many years ago?

My B-Family (siblings) were all born and raised in England. They were not even on the same Continent as I was.. It could have been another planet for all I am aware of.. I have never been to England.. So you see I already have an upward battle to adjust to..

Often times I blame my B-Mother, people can say that she did the right thing for me, but quite honestly, I wonder if I can ever forgive her... Circumstances were different for the both of us.. She left me in a life- she could not provide for me, and within 3 years of our departure she was earning Millions and was a Celebrity.. I was forgotten - and a new family was born.. A new family which probably was her dream.. I was never part of that dream.. She probably never looked back, and with her new family in a box - just add water and whollah! Instant NEW family..

I love my Biological Family - its just hard to follow the same tracks their on... I sense a train wreck... We are the same, but then we are not..

I whisper.. "I know Mom loved you more" "She didn't give you away" "You were worthy thats why she kept and loved you more"

Lost and Lost again...
Susie or Cricket

[62362]

Are coming this weekend..
another few days which I will hold dearly..
memorize each line while listening to them..
comparing similarities that we all share..
They live out of state.. They come from Kansas..

Last year marked some poignent moments in my
life.. (in my strange life)

I watched the Wizard of Oz (In Kansas)
The District (In the District)
and...
CSI Miami (In Miami)

I am looking forward to more bonding with my
biological Brothers on my Dads side..
They are very special to me... And they are
always the brothers I have dreamed of..

I can't wait to see them.. I have been waiting for so many years to see (versions of me)!!

I have seen then already several times since I have come home

Waiting for just a couple more spring days to shine..
SuziQ
aka Cricket

[62362]

Soon it will be my Birthday 6-23-62

For the last 15 years my children have always wondered why I cried on my birthday...

I never knew if my B-Mom was thinking of me.. Did she remember me? did I cause her too much pain?? Why did she leave??? I always felt that I was just not wanted... Birthdays have always been sad for me..
I was not happy inside because I was never loved by the one who brought me into this world... I felt hatched..

Now - I am home and she is gone.. The birthdays are still a little sad, but getting better...
Soon... 6-23-

And it will start all over again..
because - I feel it was the lack of her touch - with love and words...

I am happy to be home with all the family.. they love me, as she was not capable of..
I still dont know who to wish a happy birthday to!
Cricket or Susie...

[62362]

I had my 43 Birthday... It went wonderful..
It seems that ever since I was located by my
Birth family.. Even though my b-parents are
no longer alive.. My birthday now have purpose..

There were so many that I struggled through.
They were no happy..

I spent my birthday with the day off of work,
on a beautiful HOT summer day.. I reflected
on so many things.. And to top it off I was
basically alone.. My Husband and daughter were
camping on a trip into Canada. (I really did not want
to go)..

I slept late, hit garage sales and played BINGO
with my youngest daughter.. I did not win
at Bingo, but won because I now have answers.

I cannot help but think that..if my B-parents were
alive today, there would be misunderstandings and
hurt involved..

I love them both.. and miss them..
However I thought about them alot on June 23..
Susie or Cricket

[62362]

Today is July 4th, and its taken me this long.. to dawn
on me... That this is one of the family things - that family's do share..

Since I have been found, I am realizing there are so
many things that I have missed out on.. And will never
get back..

I will NOT ever get to see fireworks with my Bio-parents..
However I have seen them with my adoptive parents..

Very little - in a park- on a tan stipped blanket - with bug spay and snacks.. I have been treated right!! My adoptive parents nutured me in every way possible..

And believe it or not - my biological Grandparents (the ones responsible for adopting me out of THE family" They use to go to the veyr same park to see the fireworks..

Life has a funny way of turning full circle..

I would have loved to "act" out the adoring daughter - and wished that for one or two hours - It could be me and my bio parents on that tan blanket..
I can't get that back... So therefore somedays
I cannot forgive...

Happy 4th of July..

I can't decide who..
Susie or Cricket..
xo

[62362]

Day in and Day out.. One presents themselves with tads on information to analyaze about what we have missed out on...

We have just experienced 9 straight days of HOT above average 90+ degree days.. For Minnesota please! We are known for 10,000 lakes and snow..

However we have just experience nine days straight of this type of hot humid weather....

Now..

The last time we experienced this type of weather..
My Birth Mom was alive and well, and still around...
One gets to thinking these types of things..

Maybe its just the hot weather playing tricks on my
mind.... I know the heat bothered her just as much as it does me today...

I wish she was still here....
I wish I had HAD time with her...
what I would give to have one HOT muggy
July afternoon with her...

SusieorCricket
Susie
aka Cricket..
xo mom

[62362]

I spent last weekend with my biological family.
I attended a Pow Wow and got a taste of the
culture I have missed out on for 40 years.

It was an awesome time, and each time I come
home, I sense more and more of a belonging,
I have missed soooooo many years.

The biological family have been very accepting,
and welcoming to me and my immediate family.

I am home.. (Hans Zimmer music) hee hee
The family puzzle is now completed, and I
think I was the missing link.. My Birth Mom
passed in 1997, however I have come home..
to be with everyone.. I have not taken her place,
only am another version of her..

Love,
Cricket
xoxo

[kakuehl]

Hi Cricket/Susie,

I read your record of your journey this evening. It sounds like you have worked through much of the grief process about your birth mom. It so so easy for us to assume that other people, including our parents, think and feel what we think and feel. I do not know what your birth mom's thinking was when she placed you for adoption. It is quite possible that had she kept you her life would have been spent working at McDonalds trying to make ends meet. It's also possible that had she been able to see what was in store for her, she would have made a different decision.

When I gave birth, I was a senior in college. I don't think my mother ever quite forgave me for choosing adoption. She had offered to take care of him till I graduated. I had grown up however with my mother's refrain, "We loved you but didn't want you." and I never wanted to be able to say that to my child. (And being my mother's daughter, I knew I would.) I also believed (still do) that a child deserves two parents who love him and raise him together and that I couldn't provide.

I did marry after graduating (not the birth father) but I know it would not have occurred that quickly had I had a child. My husband was not prepared to be a parent, especially of someone else's child. We didn't start our family together for several years. Even when we did, my other children still didn't take the place of my bson. He remains in my heart and mind even though I don't talk about him much.

My children know about their bbrother and when I signed into Reunite & thought I might have found him, my son's comment was Cool!

The difficulty right now is that he (bson) registered 5 years ago. The phone number listed has been disconnected and I don't know if the e-mails I sent have reached him. At this point it's a waiting game for me. I wrote him a letter 20 years ago and sent it to the agency he was adopted through, but I have no idea if he ever got it. I really want to be in contact with him, especially since it seems he's been looking for me, but I also don't want to force myself on him.

I've gotten off the subject somewhat but I wanted to tell you, continue to celebrate the new relationships in your life and nurture them.

God bless you,
Kathy

[62362]

I am heading down to Kansas City this weekend..
I am going to see my siblings on my Birth Fathers
side..

We click so well together.. I miss them, as they
are so far away.. I have two younger brothers and
a little sister on that side of the family..

My little sister was just here in Minneapolis last
weekend., so its great to be able to see her
again..


This is how Family's function!! I am apart of it..
I NEVER THOUGHT in a million years I would be
doing this., at this age in my life..

It's wonderful to be apart of it all... Finally...
Dont ever give up on your dreams... Mine happend for me at the age of 40 with one phone call...
It could happen to you!
Love,
Susie or Cricket

[62362]

Another month has passed after seeing my half brothers and sister.. I miss them and wish they were more of a foundation in my life... I feel robbed at times that I was not raised in their lives.. and in reality - I am still miles away from them... Life beats on and on...

[62362]

Birth Mom and Dad...

Tonight is Halloween...
You've missed so many costumes and so many smiles..

You never painted my face and stood behind me on all those door steps..

You never sewed my costume and told me it was time to go home for the night...

I am your little goblin who was hexed with the life without either one of you...

Wheres my candy??

Wheres my Pumkin??

Who's going to listen to me say.. "trick or treat"

Your just a big Witch and Frankenstein to me tonight...

[62362]

BirthMom:

Today is the date of your Death - 11-25-1997

I was finally found by my half sister Sarah on 11-25-2003....

I have been home now for 3 years.... I feel so empty still without your arms, welcoming me home.... I talk to you, but you cannot answer....

Did you want it to be that way for me??? Because you could not answer my questions?? Or you were afraid to answer any of them...

I want to scream.. "Come back to me"!!! I sense that you can still hear me, even if the screaming is only a thought...

Today you exited the present world 8 years ago...
I entered your family's life today, only three short years ago...

I am home now Mom.... and your long gone...
Foot steps on stairs years apart...

I hope your at peace....
If its my blessing than your soul is realeased...
Rest well my Mother...

Until our paths cross again in the spirit world..
I love you Mom...
Love,
Your Cricket

[62362]

There are some points in this reunion process that appear to be painful and hit you when your not expecting it....

Expect the unexpected... be prepared.. The process will dissapoint you... but be happy that it has finally happened, even with the pains...

Happy Holidays to my New and Old family.. I love them as always... never ever favoring one over the other..

Love,
Cricket 1st then Suzi

[62362]

Love that Suburbs Song..

B-Mother you gave Birth to me in St. Paul, MN..
I was raised all my life in Minneapolis, MN..
I love this town, even though you were never part of
my upbringing..
My roots are planted here...
I have long ago, dug my roots into the ground...
I cannot see myself in any other place..
You were the major Insturment in seeing that I was had the taste for this town..
I can never Thank you enough..

Thats one of the "Thank you's" I am capable of saying and thinking with a smile on my face...

Its beautiful here during all four seasons..
And with each new season brings a familiar Fragrance, which makes you reminise back to another day and time..
For me all those days gone by were happy..

Thank You for choosing such a beautiful place on earth..
Love,
Cricket or Susie