[62362]

I have not mentioned much about my Birth Father..

I never got to hug this man, but I know that I will
someday.

He passed away a year before I was found. He died
of Cancer.

Shortly before he died, he told his only Sister about
me. He ackowledge me to her.

When I was found - I contacted my B-Fathers family.
My half brothers and sister went to their Aunt to
validate if they could. She admitted to them that I
existed.

She said that she knew that I had been found when
they asked.

My half Brothers and sister are awesome! I love them.
Even though I have missed several heart beats.
(40 years) They have accepted me unconditionally.
I have my Brothers and my sister - and they love me.

I have the best of both worlds.. I have come home
although both of my Biological parents are gone. I am
getting to know them through the rest of the family.
They Love me - as they would of..

Life is good
Life is now complete...

Love,
Cricket



http://www.geocities.com/susieorcricket/scf.html

[62362]

Although we may find out information that we may not want to hear. I truly believe that there is a reason we need to absorb the information, as this information can and will make us grow from what we hear. We are all like tree's - some of us grow tall and straight, but some of us arch... We will learn many new things in our road of life, for mine.. I grew straight and tall for 40 years, and now I am beginning to stretch in different ways. I enjoy my new seasons with all my new family members.. My adoptive parents are still alive, and I have never felt a loss of death in my adoptive family. Perhaps all the new family that I have met may help with that loss when the time comes..
Never give up on your dreams.. They could be just around the corner...
Love Susie

See my homepage

[62362]

This coming November 25th ~ it will be a full two years of coming home to an empty house.. Meaning both my B-parents both knew about me and passed away before I could meet them again. I have met almost all my family members from both sides. It seems to be going well, and then at times it feels like I am the only one putting forth any effort. This is a long painful process for closure..

Your constantly questioning yourself...
Do I fit in?
Do I have anything in common?
Did we have the same habits?

I never anticipated these emotions..

I expected them both to be alive and well, and existence to my line of questioning..

I feel left out or left behind..

but then there are better days..

http://www.geocities.com/susieorcricket/scf.html

[maj]

You have to remember that she did what she thought was best for you at that time. You can not be upset with her because she became successful after she gave you up. It was hard for her to do that. In my case it would have been much easier to keep my baby. but I felt it was not about me, but what was best for my baby.


She loved you, and gave you life. If she didn't love you she would have had an abortion.

Hang in there.

[62362]

Today is my 2 year anniversary of being found..

And it is Thanksgiving Day!! I have so much to
be Thankful for..


I have been found, relationships have been
established, and even though I have missed
several heart beats - our hearts all beat the
same beat now..

Its wonderful having additional families that
love and miss you...

I am thankful for being one of the lucky ones..
Having wonderful adoptive parents who care
for me in the very best way...

And for being loved and welcomed by everyone
from my biological family.

In my thoughts today at the Thanksgiving table..
I will give the Creator my special Thanks..
for all that I have been blessed with...

I am home!!!!
and I am Thankful....
Cricket/susie

[62362]

Its amazing to hear stories of the past about
both birth parents, and realizing why I have
certain traits that are an exact match to the
way their both where....

Raised in a totally different world, but paralling
both of them, why I event hink our hearts beat
at the same time...

I miss them both, and really wish I had been
able to spend time with them...
I am their daughter, and I am a cookie
cutter of both of them...

and its now Christmas time... and I
love cookies..

Love you both,
Cricket

[62362]

I just found out yesterday...
that my Birth Mother (Cathee Dahmen)
is in a book called "Unseen Vogue"
by one of my birth mom's best friends in life.

They grew up together, and went to high school, and
kept a lasting strong relationship throughout her years. This friend (James) even spoke at her Funeral Service.

He informed me that my birth mom, her photos are in this book recently published... I am so excited! I ran across the street from where I work, and ordered the book from Borders Book Store...

Its hard to imagine with knowning anyof this, I may have just walked past this book store not knowing that my birth mom was in photo's with the pages of a certain book on the shelf.. I may have never known..

I am fortunate to be able to know what I do know... I feel blessed and truly lucky to know anything at all after all these years...

I am alive and well Mom and I am able to see your smile soon... Love ya Cricket

[62362]

I am saying goodbye to 2004
It has not brought a great deal of satisfaction
to me...

Sometimes in the reunion process.. Things move
so much slower than you expect... I thought
since I was gone for so many years, my siblings
would rush right in to get to know me...
WRONG!
They move at the same pace they have always
moved for years...

Expecting the picture to be perfect and flow your
way is hard on yourself...

Although I may be sad at the "Movement" with
my reunion, I am still blessed that I have been found.

In 2005 I need to slow things down to the pace that comes naturally.. The pieces fall when and where they may..

Crickets best live in the deep grass..

Cricket aka susie

[62362]

I wish to "Wish my Birth Mother and Birth Father a Happy New Year... Even though they are both deceased, their spirits can hear me, see my tears, and see the beautiful and wonderful person I grew up to be.. With 2005 I plan to change my stars... In every way that I can... I use to be able to just lay back and watch my stars, Now with my reunion and identity discovery, I am changing them..

Love you both, and will talk to you both in my heart.. Listen to me, and I will let you guide me..
Love
Susie or Cricket...

[62362]

I will take the love any way I can...
I am now loved by soooo many new family members..

From both sides - my B-Mothers and B-Fathers..
and my Adoptive side, which will always be home...

Even though we never shared prom stories, popsicles and disputes...

I am now here for weddings, great desserts and get togethers that I am being begged to attend...

Life has a way of creeping in and changing your favorite radio station, to a new type of music that you begin to enjoy, and find yourself listening to new music...

Take it any way you can...
Susie and Cricket all in one...
I have 2 homes..

[antifloyd]

"I will never know if she ever thought about me, and whats become of me.. IT WAS ALL AT MY EXPENSE.. She would have never become the person she did, had it not been for me, and her adopting me out.. "

Susie/Cricket:
this quote is from a post of yours awhile ago, so I don't know if you still feel this way. But as a birthmother I can tell you she ALWAYS thought about you. We don't forget. We NEVER FORGET.
From some other things in your posts, while she was a model, it doesn't sound like her life was a big fairy tale. She obviously passed awway before her time. So giving you up didn't make her life as wonderful as you might have thought at the time you posted that.[color=Indigo]

[missingmyboy]

Cricket,

Antifloyd just took the words right out of my mouth! I am a birth mom to a little darling boy who is now 10 months old. His adoption is open and his brother and I see him often. I am thankful for this because having openness means he will never have to search or not have answers to his questions, as you do.

Your birthmom didn't "get over" your loss. Becoming successful doesn't mean she forgot about you! Did you know Joni Mitchell and Roseanne Barr are bmoms?

Ray mentioned the sacrifice that bparents made so they could go on and become better or more. I don't see it that way at all. I made the sacrifice of chosing adoption for my son. I didn't do it for me. If it was all about me then he would be here with me and I would be his mommy. I am not because I wanted more for him. I wanted better for him. I am positive that you mom wanted better for you then she could provide when you were born.

Adoption isn't all about money! There are as many reasons for chosing adoption as their are bparents. I had my first son when I was only in grade 11. I had my second son that I chose adoption for after I had been a university graduate for several years. I have much better potential to be able to provide all financially for my children now then I did when my first son was born. It was the first child that I chose to parent and the second one who is adopted.

I wanted more for my child then the life his older brother has lived. I wanted him to have a dad and had I chose to parent him he wouldn't have that as his bdad made it clear he didn't plan to be involved. I know the pain my elder son has because he doesn't have the best dad in the world. My baby boy who is adopted has the best daddy anyone could ask for! That makes me so happy. I also wanted him to have a loving extended family. I don't have a family who cares about me or my elder son. I wanted more for my second baby. He now has a loving extended family! I suffered from a severe depression for about 5 years. It just ended a couple months ago. I however had no idea when it's end would come. I didn't want my baby to have a mom who was so depressed that she couldn't meet his needs to the extent that he has a right to have them met. He now has a mommy who doesn't suffer from depression and can meet all his needs.

So you see adoption is not all about how much money your mom had. She didn't "discard" you. She loved you dearly. She wanted the best for you.

You are very lucky to have both a loving afamily and loving bfamily. I don't have a loving family, let alone two of them.

You have so much and your bmom wanted that for you.

Take care Cricket.

Shell

[dl]

antifloyd ~ "But as a birthmother I can tell you she ALWAYS thought about you. We don't forget. We NEVER FORGET."

Each and every person is different. Blanket statements that include "ALWAYS" and "NEVER" can lead to false expectations and increase the depth of hurt and pain. There are many adoptees on the forum that have learned that they were NOT thought about at all. I know for a fact that I wasn't.

vicrose posted "You have found your birthfamily...relish in today...you are one of the few who has birthfamily that wants to embrace you...." There are many adoptees that have NOT been welcomed as someone NEVER FORGOTTEN, but coldly rejected as a problem that was thought to have been taken care of but has now returned.

Yes, there are many loving bmothers on this forum that have ALWAYS thought about their bioChild and want nothing more than to connect with them. This is a small representation of bmothers and presents only one side of reality. I have seen adoptees have their hopes built up expecting their bmother to be loving and welcoming like the posts they read here. It has increased their pain when they are met with a very different reality.

The same has happened to bparents that believe that ALL adoptees will welcome contact by bparents based on what they've read on the forum. When they learn that in their situation the adoptee is not interested in meeting or any contact at all, their pain has been increased also.

There are many people from all three sides of the triad that live their lives with no thought given to what took place in the past ~ whether relinquisment, growing a family by adoption or having been adopted. These people would not be posting on an adoption forum.

[62362]

I am so very grateful for your input...
Through you words I gain an understanding of what My b-Mother went through..

I feel bitter at times, and jealous at times when I talk to my half siblings that were raised with both my biological parents..

I do think they thought of me often.... I did matter to them, and that they wondered about my disposition..

I at times secretly cuss my B-Mom out, and have words with her... She was a famous Person in her day... She may have had a great career, but she lacked so much in the family way...

Her kids (my half siblings) tell me she was a horrible mother.. And I really think that was because of her relationship with me, this made her a half person from that day forward..

I have my ups and downs and her... I am bitter, in time this may heal... who knows..

I often think that when the day comes that i get to meet her in heaven, I want to walk right past her...
But then there are days I include her in every step of my day...

I understand what you as birthmoms go through...
It must be hell at times... do not know... and be in the dark for so long...

I dont think Cathee is in the light yet, when I truly forgive her for all of it, she may come into the light...
Thanks for your responses, they mean so much to me... Susie or Cricket

[62362]

My blanket of forgiveness

I feel so cold at times, and fear that I will never
be able to forgive my bio parents..

I talk to them both out loud and in my mind..
Some days I forgive them, and think I understand
why things went the way that they did.

Other days I am right back to feeling sorry for myself.
Never having known them, not feeling like I was good enough to bein their lives..

My Mother was a famous Model (Cathee Dahmen). And I had to teach myself how to put on my own makeup..
Cathee was on dozens of magazine's throug out the world, and I just found out only recently..

I am an antique collector, and have saved magazines for years from that era. I had pictures of her in those magazines right in my bedroom closet all along... And I never knew it..

I've come to think of Forgiveness in the shape of a blanket.. I will always need it every night, and in time I will finally be warm enough and have finally forgiven them for everything..
Susie Fedorko

http://www.geocities.com/susieorcricket/scf.html