[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

I know this has been done a hundred times, but I was just wondering how the birth family refers to themselves in your situation. We are in a semi-open adoption with Bear's family. Actually the agreement was strictly with hisa birth mother. Having read the file pre-adoption, I know now that she only wanted the agreement because she hoped it would help her own mother to allow her to move back home and out of foster care. It did not turn out that way, and she stopped scheduled visits even before she signed her rights away. She now continues to run away from each foster home she is palced in.

Anyway, we had a birthday party for Bear yesterday and his grandmother, her boyfriend, and his biological uncle all came. The grandmother signed the card from all of them...including "mommie". Now his mother has not even seen him since he was 3 1/2 months old, and was not there...in fact is on the run again. I know it is mostly me being sensitive. How do you refer to yourself as an adoptive mother and how do you prefer the bio-mother be refered to? There is never an issue with "dad" since he has never been in the picture. As a matter of fact, the bio family calls DH "dad". I have always been "Angie". I am really hurt by this...I am "Angie" to my step daughters...not to my sons! How would/should we approach this?

[mom2GRLC]

My daughter calls her bmom "my(insert bmom's firstname)". Then when her bmom writes her back she says love "Your (insert bmom's first name)".

It kinda just worked out that way.

While she was in fostercare she used to call her "Momma (insert first name)". But after she signed away her rights we had to explain the new relationship that she had with her and that while she will always be her birthmom she won't be her Momma anymore....so we told her we would just call her by her first name....she's the one that added the "my" in front of it and I think her bmom thought it was cute and she would write back "your" ...it's just their special little thing now!!

I understand she will always have two mothers and she knows that M will always be her birthmother, it's just that I couldn't have her calling both of us Mom. Or any version of it...for two reasons... I wanted her to understand their new relationship and the concept of adoption and the other reason was I just couldn't share that title with her. My daughter will have 1 mother and 1 birthmother. By her actions she choose to not be her Mommy...and I've done everything short of giving birth to her to be her MOMMY. So that is a title I treasure!!! Of course what she calls her when she is older is up to her....but for right now....that's my name and my name alone!!!!

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

I think you are right...that was the little stinger...I am mommy! We went thru this a bit with my step-daughters. The youngest was 18 months when we got together and at Dad's house I was the "mama" figure. For a while it was "Mama Angie"...which her mother didn't mind at all. Then one time she forgot the Angie part...in front of her mother. She is also kind of a little pistol who has to deal a lot with her mother "planting" things to pass on to daddy's house. It has caused her to really thrive on her parents being at each other's throats. One time...being the drama seeker her mother has groomed her to be...she insisted to her mother that *I* was her mother and she came from ME. Her mother was very (understandably) hurt...and blamed DH (screamed, yelled, and called him everything under the sun) for "programming" her. Ever since, it has just been Angie. But that doesn't bother me because she IS their mother and although DH is her father, she lives with her mother every day.

But, this is different, I AM Bear's Mommy! You are right, although I did not give birth to him, I HAVE cleaned up the poops, been in the ER with him, comforted him when he has gotten shots, enjoyed that first smile, tooth, and standing solo! I have been there every day of his life since he was 8 weeks old. In my heart I just feel that she has walked away. She has had many opportunities when she was in care to see him, and she has refused. The honor of mommy is gone now...but she will always be his birth mother.

We are having a visit with CW this afternoon to discuss with him boundaries and how to approach them with this family. Since they have a VERY long history with the department, maybe he can offer a smoother way to broach the subject.

[Leigh131313]

I am definitely Mom or Mommy. They have ALWAYS been very respectful of that. We could not have the type of contact we have if this was not clear.

His bmom uses her first name, on cards she signs *insert name* your birthmom.

Leigh

[JoEvans]

Since the day my youngest daughter's Birth Father and I let his parents take custody of our daughter, to the day we picked her up and took her back home with us, two years later, and now.. I have always referred her Adoptive parents as HER PARENTS. For they are the ones that raised her and provided for her. Yes, I am titled, "Mommy Judy". And that does not bother me. I am happy and content just knowing that she still refers me as her mom. As to her Birth Father, he does not want to be referred as her Birth Father. He said the day he signed those papers was the day he relingished his responsibilites to her as her father. I just wished I could get it through my mother's head that her PARENTS are no longer her GRANDPARENTS but HER PARENTS. (kinda confusing, huh?)

[blessedbybug]

Oh I'm so sorry bfamily isn't being respectful of your place in your child's life. It sounds like a pretty complicated set of relationships. It's always tough to navigate that.

DD's first mom is called by her first name, at her choosing. We call her first grandparents Gma B & Gpa T.

[taramayrn]

My son calls me by my first name. Sounds as though you really need to set some boundaries here.

[Free_to_be_me]

I am called either my first name, "Birthmom" or "Birtmudder." (Birtmudder came from when consonants were a bit difficult to pronounce...)