[BrandyHagz]

From the moment I heard about open adoption, I wondered what the benefit was. All the research I did told me that Open Adoption was for the benefit of the child…even everything I have read here tells me that. Personally, I agree. The open adoption I have with my daughter is for her, and her only. If her parents came to me and said, “Brandy, we just don’t feel like M is benefiting from continued contact with you, we would like to close the adoption” I would be ok with that…because this relationship isn’t about me…its about her, and what’s best for her. From the very beginning, I made my decision to place based on what is best for her…which is also why I agreed to an open adoption.

Here is my dilemma.

In the months since I joined the forum, I have seen a lot of members talk about Semi-Open Adoptions. From everything I’ve read about Semi-Open Adoptions, it’s the correspondence between birthparents and adoptive parents, with the exchange of photos. This has me wondering, how does this benefit the child?

I am not trying to incite a riot…It’s just been on my mind, and I wanted to ask.

[bumpkin]

First, let me say that everyone has their own needs, desires and plans in life, and let me also point out that I am an adoptive mother.

Having said that, I can get a little despondent about the new coming abundance of "open adoption" I believe that open adoptions CAN work, and obviously DO work for some people. But, to be totally honest, I feel that it is a swing that is taking over recently. I do not believe that birthmoms should wonder the rest of their lives if their birth children are safe, honored and happy. Hence the development of "semi open" adoptions - photos once or twice a year to allay these fears. As someone once wrote on this board before, the pendulum has swong the other way.... it use to be that bmoms never knew what happened, now it has swugn to Open adoption. My fear is that this is being so propogated that it really doesn't leave the option open for many people .... I think many adoptive parents feel that the "have" to consider an open adoption in order to be "able" to adopt.

Also, we don't "know" that open adoption is good for adoptees.... this practice has only become commonplace in the last 10 - 15 years.... I don't believe it is "bad" for adoptees... but I'm not sure if it is "good". I just would rather see that there was more of a "fit" for people - those who wanted open to choose, those who wanted semi open could choose, those who wanted closed coudl choose. It appears that most bmoms choose open adoption, and why wouldn't they. To give so selflessly and choose a path that is soooooooooooo difficult for
you, why wouldn't they want to know their birthchild. Without a doubt I understand that. I think the system is "loaded" to move bmoms toward open adoption and I'm just not sure if it is good for all people.

Let me just say, before I'm criticized, I have tried to understand both sides... and I feel that I do, but I just think that there is a surge towards open adoption and I'm not sure if it is good for all parties. I don't think you can be an adoptive mom today and not know or at least think that your child is going to search at some poitn and that you need to support that, so it's not that I feel that birthparents should be "cut out' for the rest of their lives...
I just don't know if "open" is the right fit, especially for teens that have diffficult "middle" years, and of course we don't know that in advance... do we.

Don't want to be disrespectful, Just my opinion.

Bumpkin

[BrandyHagz]

Also, we don't "know" that open adoption is good for adoptees.... this practice has only become commonplace in the last 10 - 15 years.... I don't believe it is "bad" for adoptees... but I'm not sure if it is "good".

I am an adoptee. Born in 1973. In 1978, my biological grandparents called my adoptive parents and asked to meet me. They also asked to bring my half sibling along. From that point until I was fifteen, I would visit with them several times a month, even overnight. I believed that this relationship (what would be considered open adoption now days) helped me a great deal. I believe that I was able to work thru a lot of the issues I had surrounding my placement that might have gone unresolved had I not had somewhere to go for the answers.

I believe, at least for me, “open adoption” made things easier.

[bumpkin]

I guess I understand how it could work very well, I'm just not sure if it would work very well for the majority of people.

I think if this worked well for you at the point you were contacted, it would also have worked well for you after you turned 18.

I do not "disagree" with open adoption, I guess I just feel like there is a pressure for adoptive parents to choose this, as it becomes more and more mainstream. Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm not sure it's as right for as many people who are doing it.

If it's right for you, it's right for you... no questions. I just feel badly if people feel pressured to choose this option if it really isn't what they want. Most domestic infant adoption agencies push open adoptions. I wonder how many aparents feel that t hey are involved in the "open" situation and cannot get off.... for sure, if you promise it, you must keep it up.. I dont' think that a grey area exists there.

FYI it is now being brought up in DSS adoptions more and more often, according to a recent conversation that I had with a DSS social worker.

To each his own., but aparents often feel kind of beaten down by the time they get to adoption after being in the infertility world. I wonder if people feel that they have to accept thIS NEW "NORM" or else be childless the rest of their lives. A concept they can''t really accept. Maybe I am alone in this thinking?

[seeking2adopt]

As an adoptive mom to two daughters, one a closed adoption and one semi-open, I tend to agree with some of the observations on the last post. I wish there was some way I could communicate with my older daughter's birthmother to let her know that she is doing wonderfully. With our semi-open adoption, we sent letters and pictures every month for almost the first year, then every other month for the next six months, then every three months, until eventually it will probably be twice a year. We also chose to visit with her birthmother and biological grandparents and aunts during the first couple years of her life. Her birthmother has been able to return to school and begin moving forward with her life, all the while knowing that her daughter is happy and healthy and loved. We (by "we" I mean our family and the birth family) do believe that our daughter should be raised by one family only, and so we do not intend a fully open adoption until our daughter is a young adult. I, too, have been uncomfortable with the push for fully open adoptions across the board. I think that each situation needs to be decided by the two families involved in a way that will be right for them. No two families are alike, and as has been mentioned, what works for some will not work for others. Ultimately, as mentioned in the original post, the best interest of the child is what counts!

[BrandyHagz]

I certainly appreciate both of your responses…but what I was hoping for was an answer to my question. If open adoption is for the benefit of the child, how does semi-open adoption benefit the child?

I don’t know how they are working open adoption now days…back in 1997 when I placed my daughter, I had no idea what it was. The adoptive parents asked me if I would maintain contact, and I agreed…there were no contracts, commitments or agreements…it was just a relationship that evolved into what it is today.

I agree, open adoption isn’t for everyone…but that still doesn’t explain how semi-open adoptions benefit the child.

[seeking2adopt]

I'll try to address the question from a semi-open perspective. I believe semi-open benefits the child because most importantly, she has the security of one family who loves and cares for her. At the same time, the fact that she is adopted and has a birthmother who loved her so much that she chose us as her parents is known to her. If she has questions as she gets older, semi-open allows us to communicate with her birthmother and answer those questions. It also allows us to locate her birthmother when our daughter is ready to meet as an adult. While our daughter is very young, we do meet with her biological family occasionally but we will probably not do so when she is elementary age. I do keep copies of all of my correspondence with her birthmother, as well as anything we receive from them, in a box for her to go through as she gets older.

In a nutshell, I guess I would say the benefit of semi-open is that there are no secrets, but at the same time there is no confusion or insecurity for our daughter because she is raised by one family alone.

And no, there are no written contracts or anything like that. We knew our daughter's birthmom before she ever became pregnant, we talked about what our expectations were, and we've allowed things to evolve as Isabel has grown. It has been great for all of us!

[echaos]

Brandy,

We have what is officially labelled an open-adoption, because we knew Liam's birthmother before he was born. We knew each other's last names, phone numbers and addresses, however she has since moved away and not left any forwarding info.

We still write letters to her and send them to the agency to keep until she contacts them and asks for them.

I would have to aggree with seeking2adopt. The benefit to Liam is that there are no secrets, he will never wonder what his last name was at birth, where he got his hair and eye colour etc... We also keep copies of the letters that we send and they serve as a journal of his life.

I don't see the same benefit that seeking2adopt does in her statement :" but at the same time there is no confusion or insecurity for our daughter because she is raised by one family alone."

I get the sense that seeking2adopt is saying that a child in an open adopting could be confused or insecure because the may think that they are being raised by both their birth and adoptive familes (seeking2adopt, please correct me if I am reading this wrong). I believe that a child in an open adoption would not be confused or insecure because they ARE being raised by one family alone. To me an open adoption is simply adding more people to the child's circle of family and friends. Kids don't become confused that they are being raised by a grandparent or aunt that they visit with frequently. So as long as the birth parents aren't trying to co-parent (which would confuse a child no matter who was doing it) then I don't see a problem.

[tricia3]

I was adopted and mine was a closed adoption, in those days there was no open adoption. I guess since I didn't have an open adoption I can't comment on whether or not it benefited me. But I would like to interject my opinion and that's all it is, an opinion. Looking back as a child my curiosities surrounded around what she looked like, what was her personality like did she like the same things I did. And I can see how a semi-open adoption could provide an adoptee answers to these questions. I don't neccessarily that open-adoption is always a good thing, but in some cases it works out for everyone involved.
If I had to take an official stance I would say that I believe that adoptions should be closed until the adoptee has reached 18. At that time all identifying info would be provided to either bmom or adoptee if/when it is requested. Tricia

[Verncait]

In my humble opinion, I feel that semi-open adoptions benefit the children inat least there is some type of ongoing information being passed between the concerned parties. Unfortunately, this may only be the aparents sending pictures and updates and receiving no return mail. In this scenario, then it appears that only the bparents are benefiting, at the moment, from this minimal contact. The upside to this is that if the aparents are writing letters, they can also request the bparents to open the adoption to future visits. Additionally, in the future there is, as a minimum, an avenue available for the achild to pesue his roots. It is better to have the door a little bit open than to have it completely closed and barricaded. My opinion only Linda

[MkMw]

My initial thought is that semi-open is good for the child if for NO other reason that it *should* make searching easier and less stressful should it ever become an issue. In these situations doesn't the agency work on keeping track of the parties involved?

And. speaking from MY experience - we have an open adoption, in that we know each others names, and communicate directly, but do not visit (ours in also international), my BIL & SIl adopted their children at birth as well (they are half sibs) they have a semi-open adoption with visits (no identifying information and they meet at a neutral location).

For me...I like the direct communication. It's easier. I think it would weirder to meet with someone 2 or 3 times a year and never know their name/phone/email than it is to have direct communciation and no visits. But that again, is about ME, not my kids.... I do know that my neice and nephew aren't confused as to "who is who" - but they are only 4 and 2 1/2 - so I guess time will tell.

It's a good question Brandy!

[spaypets]

I think a semi open arrangement allows the two families contact with out the messiness that accompanies familiarity.

Let explain. As relationships grow more familiar there are tensions that often accompany them. Children may or may not pick up on those tensions and irritations. A letters/pictures relationship is less likely to run into the stresses that a deeper (and perhaps more meaningful) relationship brings. I think anytime stress is avoided in a family, children benefit. If bparents become a source of stress, even if it's kept hidden, children can internalize that conflict.

I have often wondered if some of us aren't cut out for an open adoption relationship. I don't think I am (I'm not that nice!). I certainly didn't want to start out with that kind of openess and contact because I was virtually certain I wouldn't be able to maintain it. Echoing what bumpkin said, the push I got from the adoption agency I spoke to led me to believe that it was unrealistic to expect to be able to have a semi open arrangement as opposed to an open one. It was one of the many things that solidified our inclination to adopt internationally.

[ChristiBender]

I am an adult adoptee... now almost 40 years old. Just last month I "found" my birthmother. I was adopted through a closed adoption. My reunion has been a wonderful experience and everyone involved, birthfamily and adoptive family is supportive of it in its entirety.

I know that for me one of the hardest issues to deal with is my anger at the system. Everyone else on the planet knows who their parents are. My parents were erased with white out on a birth certificate that looks likes a 2nd grader fudged it. Our Constitution gives us the right to free speech, but I don't have the right to my heritage, I am not allowed to know what my parents names were or even the most basic of medical history. The system shuns every attempt to gather this information.

Recently, before locating my birthmother, I went to the doctor to have some diagnostic tests done BECAUSE I didn't know my medical history. I had to FIGHT with him for my right to have the test because I am below the "traditional" age for such a test. When I posed the question to him, "Doesn't anyone ever die of this before the age of 50?" he had to answer "of course". I said, well, in the absence of any knowledge about my history I have to assume that I may be at risk. He finally relented and did a partial procedure. Why was this stress necessary?

How is it fair, in any way, shape or form, that such basic information should be withheld from a searching adult? It seems that closed adoptions provide the ILLUSION of privacy for the parents... all of them.... and lock the children who grow up to be adults, into a life full of veiled answers, shame and secrecy. It is an illusion because this forum is full of proof that searches do happen and they can be successful.

I am NOT advocating that an adult adoptee has the right to FORCE a relationship with a birthparent. I am stating that EVERYONE has the right to an original birth certificate, the time of their birth, the exact location, their ethic heritage, and a basic medical history going back at least 3 generations. If a relationship were to develop so much the better for all involved. If it were not to develop at least the shame that goes with having to answer basic questions your entire life with "I don't know... I was adopted" would be lifted.

I tend to think that semi open adoptions are the best solution to this problem. That would enable the parents (all of them) to work out how much "open" was best for them and for it to change over the years. No two sets of parents are the same and no two children are the same. The amount of "open" is not something that can really be predetermined, in my opinion. At a bare minimum it seems a semi open agreement would provide answers to the questions and issues raised above. To not have even the most basic information regarding your entrance to the world is a far greater crime than not being able to say what you want in the middle of Times Square.

I guess I should get off my soap box before I slip and fall. As you can see.. this is a heated topic for me.... and a lot of other adoptees as well.

[BrandyHagz]

Christi,

I am also an adoptee, so in respect to closed vs. any type of open adoption, I agree.

The thing that bothers me more than not knowing my genetic, health, and ethnic history, is not knowing my sons and daughters. Because of my “closed” adoption, they too are without vital information.

I was lucky enough to meet my birthmothers parents and her son when I was younger, so I have some “connection” to the other side, although that was severed fair early on at her request. I was never lucky enough to get any “real” information from them regarding my heritage or health history, but ever tidbit of information I did gather, I hold onto to this day.

Its sad that adoption was ever like this.

[hopefuladoptee]

I guess I'm replying to all of you. I've just joined specifically so I can give an opinion from both sides of the fence. I was adopted at birth in 1968 back when they had never heard of open adoptions. I know a little about my bmom because the secretary left the room and my amom is kind of nosey. I know her name and that I have a biological brother and sister. I know she wasn't married at the time I was born but that's about it. I have a lot of health problems and would love a medical history but the attorney who handled the adoption has died and his son won't release the info to me without my amom calling and getting it. She said she would but never has. All of this has been really hard on me. I wonder where I would be living, what I would be doing, if I would have met my husband somehow. I wonder if my bmom and/or family have very hard to control high blood pressure. I wonder if she started losing her hair when she was a teenager. I wonder if she's overweight and has trouble losing it. I don't guess she has the fertility issues I have since I know of 3 children she's given birth to. I've been in therapy twice trying to get over the feelings of abandonment and the feeling that I'm not sure if I'm capable of loving anyone. All this being said, I have an adoptive brother who knows his bmom so he hasn't had all this to go through. It's a family situation so he knows his medical history, he knows why she gave him up, he knows he's better off with us than he would have been with her. He is so well adjusted and doesn't seem to have a care in the world.

Because of our stories, when my husband and I adopted a child last year, we were more than happy to agree to an open adoption. In fact, we were relieved when they asked if they could remain part of his life. Our son, Caleb, now has a family no one understands. His bmom sees him about once a month without us being there. We spend holidays and birthdays with his bfamily. They have taken us in as part of their family and our families have accepted them as part of our family. My husband's grandmother has some problems with it though. She keeps telling us that they are going to kidnap him one day and we'll never see him again. She can't understand that we are all one big happy family. All the faults I see in my family, Caleb's bfamily are strong in. When he gets older, I'm actually going to ask them to have more contact with him than they have now. I want him to understand that his bmom loved him very much but wasn't ready to be a mom and did the most wonderful thing in the world for him. I have more pictures of him with his bfamily around my house than I do pictures of him with us! Most people can't understand this relationship and warn me about letting her take Caleb without going with them but I don't worry. She's still not ready to be a full time mom and I trust her just like I would trust my sister to take him somewhere. Our relationship is so special that his bfamily even wants our foster child (whom we're in the process of adopting) to call them the same thing their own grandchildren call them.

Can you ask for a better picture of how on open adoption can benefit child and parent? I think it's up to the individual family though. Some people aren't prepared for this kind of closeness with their child's bmom. I'm not crazy enough to not think that there probably will be problems at some point. I'm sure he's going to hate me one day and say he wants to go live with his bmom. I don't know my bmom and I said that to my amom plenty growing up. But right now, this works for us and that's all that matters. And, hey, I have another free babysitter when needed! Can it get any better?!