[renee34]

I am a a-mom. My son and his b-mom came to me when he was 3 days old. I never planned on adopting. I was only to be their foster mom. They lived with me for a year together then she went to learn how to live on her own and to get balenced on her own. Then she was suposto be able to have him. Well, it did not go as planned. So, I adopted egeraly. but I could not have done it if it was not open. I love her and her family. My son would have a hole in his heart if it was not open.
I do tho leave all the contact up to the b--family. I don't call her. I want it to be her choice. I don't ever want her to feel like I hurt her by bringing him over. So, go for it. Open is the way to go.

[katybird]

This thread has been a bit of a surprise for me. I am pregnant and looking at options.
I'd assumed that a "very open" adoption would be unlikely and it would be presumptious of me to want one. Perhaps I'll find Aparents who would WANT me to be part of my baby's life? I have read that only one state allows for an enforcable contract regarding openness - it would hurt me too much to be promised photos/letters and then be disappointed when the Aparents asserted their legal right to disregard whatever verbal agreement we'd come to.

Please tell me more, if possible. Thank you.

[renee34]

Hi katybird,
I hope your search for the right a-parents goes well. I know a lot of parents that are actually hurt if tha adoptive parents don't want a role in their birth childs life. And I know parents that don't want any thing to do with the birth family. You will have to form a relationship with them. Be as open and honest about your life as possable. Stick to your beliefs. If you want an open adoption then make a plan of how you would like it to work. Every thing will be changable. Plans always look better on paper.
As for legally enforcing the plan. I don't know how that would work. For me I just want my son to know who he is and where he came from. I do know the family very well, and they all know that they can call for a visit any time and we will set up a time to visit. They are also very good at asking how I am explaining things to him so we can have a united front. The only one that does not have a label( grandma, aunt, brother,uncle) is b-mom. Altho we talk about it in front of him. Why does she not have a label? Well, he is 3 and does not get it yet. I guesss when he starts to put it together that he has a brother that does not live with us then he will be comprehending more.

Good luck in your search. I am sure you will find the perfict family for you and your child.

[enerad]

We too are looking for an open adoption and sometime with our support group I find myself very quiet about my true wishes. I find most people we meet find open adoption a curious situation. I often wonder what is wrong with knowing who your bmom/bfather is and their family. We have small families, so I hope for the child we adopt we can have a close relationship. I vision taking a trip together, getting together for holidays etc... What is most important is the child feeling loved and wanted. That is what is most important to me.

What I worry about myself is am I being too fantasy in my thinking? My questions for bmom is there a sense of privacy they want for thieir lives. When a family says they want an open adoption, do the birthmoms want a separation?

darene

[doris912]

This all sounds way too simple to have an open adoption and everyone being friends, although I am sure it's possible. But while one is looking for a little baby to call one's own, it's easier to make those promises, then it might end up carrying them out. There are cautions in such promises, as with the case with the drug addict bmom and criminal bdad, granted, nothing happened, but... Not only that if the bmom carries on a different life after a few years and wants to forget what happend, have seen this happen, then the child suffers a loss und maybe even guilt, as is in divorces. Also the danger of the bmom trying to interfere with decisions aparents make and so on. The way the board reads it's too simplified and it doesn't work that way in many cases. My worries would be that if the child gets to an age where he/she doesn't like something the aparent says, he/she might say I want to go to my bmom. It doesn't matter how well you raised the child, it is a possibility. I look at it like it is in divorces (I am not divorced, but have seen it so many times), if the mom or dad doesn't do what the child wants he/she wants to go to the other parent and sometimes will cause many other problems on the way. All I am saying it is not as easy and uncomplicated as it sounds or as it is wished to be. There could be other problems as well. I definitely would go along with open adoption, giving updates and photos, it can do no harm and won't interfere in much of anything, but the pal thing, I am not sure is a good idea. If living close to the bmom, then a visit now and then and phone calls would be okay too. But aproach such a contract with caution. Hopefully I didn't sound too negative.

[Jensboys]

Idea that I have seen suggested on other sites to prevent the "promise and flee" syndrome we see too often in adoptive parents (once is too often!)

1) choose a family that is already parenting a child through open adoption and ask to speak to that child's birthmom. That way you can see if over the years they have in fact kept promises and are trustworthy. Remember, that child and your child will be brother and sister for LIFE ... probably that other birthmom will be at every major event that you attend in the life of your child. Do you like them? Can you get along with them? Can you accept the other child as a full sibling to your child and treat them as such?

2) Ask for and exchange all identifying information ... ie, SSN, places of employment, addresses of them and their parents. Obviously this takes alot of trust on their part for them to give you this information, BUT remember, you are entrusting them with your child.

3) Sometimes adoptions close up, not because of the fear of the adoptive parents, but because of the extreme pressure they feel from extended family. ASK about how extended family feels, ask to meet them if possible ... watch family interactions happen. Can you imagine being a part of that in the future?

4) Take into account that lots of adoptive parents want and hoped for openness and their child's birthparents arent willing at this time. If that is the case, ask to see proof that they have tried to keep contact going.

5) SPELL out in writing (preferrably THEIR writing) what you expect in the way of contact, what they are willing to agree to. Have it signed by THEIR pastor, priest, lawyer, grandmother whoever ... Everyone is right ... it is NOT considered a legal contract... Call it a HEART COVENANT (a committment from one set of parents to another) And one day, God forbid, if they do close the adoption, you would have something to show the child that in fact they failed to model integrity.

[Malikka]

Hi,

We adopted our daughter through the Marshall Islands . They are currently going through some changes in the adoption laws, but culturally open adoptions are the rule rather than the exception. We talk to our daughters birthmom regularly.

Malikka

[pjokeefe]

I applaud parent who are forward-thinking enough to want to continue contact after placement. After our semi-closed adoption (with no identifying info), we agreed to exchange pictures and letters till she started school (a gentleman's agreement). But I didn't realize that my need to know about her wouldn't end at age 5....it continues at age 19 (next week).

The counselor who did my adoption said when she saw my heart being wrenched out of my chest saying good bye to the baby for the last time, possibly forever, she decided she would find away to help families work together so no young lady would have to do that.

Work with people who are experienced at open adoption, who know how to set up legal aggreements and set boundries to be respected by all parties involved!

[trippingdaisy]

It can work and has been working for me for three years now. I would not have done it any other way. Make sure that both parents know what they want when you head into any adoption this is a life time agreement.

[kellygirl0907]

Hey im new here and am currently in the process of chosing Aparents for my unborn child. Its been very interesting reading on both aspects of the adoption process. I would like to want an open adoption to see what kind of life and parents my child will have. I hope when I find the right family we can have an open and trusting relationship, I would hate to miss out on the opportunity seeing my child grow up. I really hope this process is everything they tell me it will be. I have high hopes that the parents i choose will give my child a better life, one i could not provide.

[llexuus]

Hi Kellygirl -

An open adoption can be a wonderful experience. We have a very open adoption with all members of our son's birth family. We regularly see his birthmom and birthdad, as well as grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins -- the whole works. We consider each other a large, extended family. In fact, my son, his birthmom, and I all hung out last weekend without the adult boys, just because we like each other. I wouldn't have it any other way.

That said, I think it's important to know that it can be work, as well. There are others here on the boards who also have great open family relationships, but that doesn't take away the pain that can be felt by any member of the triad. I don't want to bring you down , but I think some of the other moms (both a-moms and b-moms) here will tell you that sometimes it feels like work to maintain the relationship, but they do, for the sake of the children.

We haven't experienced any downturns, but we all know it might be out there, so we work to ensure that we all feel comfortable communicating about whatever is on our minds. I think that's the key -- make sure that any a-parents you pick are not just willing to have an open adoption -- they INSIST on an open adoption, and then keep talking to the point that you know and trust them as the family they will eventually become.

Good luck!

[Lulu Bug]

These are all great suggestions. I think all of these things are very well thought out and great ideas.

Just a few points.....I would tell you not to be alarmed if potential aparents don't want to give you their SS number. That isn't necessarily indicitive of them being secretive. If you have ever been the victim of identity theft (me.....someone had bench warrents and life insurance policies under my ID and totally ruined my credit..scary) you know that number should be as sacred as your....well, your most sacred thing. I don't think that is a matter of trust. I wouldn't do it again. There are enough other ways of getting enough info to feel trusting. Get a copy of their birth certificate or drivers licence. :-)

Also, some birth families don't want to speak to the next potential birth family. Some do. That isn't always a sign that the open adoption isn't working...although it can be. These are really small things, but just a few thoughts that I had.

Take the time to read these threads, talk to everyone you can and really, really decide if you want to parent. It is ok if you decide that. It is ok if you decide to place too. Your life is going to change no matter what and placeing a child will present you with a whole new list of challenges (and blessings), just as parenting will send you other challenges (and blessings). Be informed. Take the time to research, talk to people and just remember that all the stories and advice in the world is not a louder voice then your own intuition.

You and your situation are different then anyone elses out there. Listen to your own heart. If you decide to place, make sure that you decide again after you have the little one in your arms. I would encourage you NOT to have the adoptive family at the birth or hospital, even if you think you want it (and this is coming from an amom who was present at the birth). It is YOUR time with your child and they will understand, they really will. It will also allow you some space to make your decision without feeling pressure--even if it is unknowing pressure, from the pafamily. I have heard bmoms say that they felt conflicted because really like the afamily and didn't want to hurt them. Remember that ultimately it is easier for us too if we don't have all that emotion attached. I really think that is the best thing. I actually remember being suprised that M wanted us at the birth. I remember thinking that if the placement happened that this was her only exclusive time with him (we had an open agreement, but live far apart). I don't think that most aparents expect that, do they? Maybe I am clueless on that one.

Either way...to the expecting moms that were reading this thread as a way to explore their options..good luck and I hope that you find the info you are looking for. Whatever you you choose will be just fine..as long as that choice is informed and YOURS.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by doris912

The way the board reads it's too simplified and it doesn't work that way in many cases. My worries would be that if the child gets to an age where he/she doesn't like something the aparent says, he/she might say I want to go to my bmom.

Certainly it is not an easy relationship, but what close relationship is? And the child very well may say "I want to go live with my real mom." How is that any different than what a lot of kids in closed adoptions who say "You're not me real mother!"? (BTW, I have never heard of a kid in a fully open adoption ever saying the latter. In large part, I think, because they know their birthparents would not agree and support the adoptive parents.)

If there are boundary issues, you address them.

As I said, all relationships are complicated. The bottom line is, are they worth it? I think they are.

[AMom2Two]

Our first child's adoption did not start off open. There were no visits, no communication. Everything was handled thru the agency.

It was about a year after receiving our daughter, that my extreme joy of having her, was over shadowed by my need to educate myself about adoptee's. What I read and learned, scared the daylights out of me. I looked at my beautiful daughter and I thought, "could she be like one of these adoptee's in these posts"? My heart broke at reading their stories and I knew, I couldn't take a chance on her happiness. I know there are plenty of adoptee's that are very happy with their adoptions, but they are not the one's coming to this forum and posting. Still, even if there is only 1 adoptee that felt that way, I still could not take a chance that it could be my child.

I opened up my dd adoption and it was the best thing I ever did. Her bmom and I connected and thru her, I have found a true friend. Who else can I brag about our daughter with who actually loves to hear about her. She supports my decisions. She reinforces to me that she made the right choice. She tells me how lucky she feels that her little girl is with us. She takes away all the doubt and fear I had and replaced them with love, care and concern.

Today, she is like the sister I wished I had. We email regularly and have found a bond that will last our entire life. We visit a few times a year. She has another child so we support the siblings getting to know one another. It is a great relationship and I would have lost out on so much more, if I had not opened up the adoption.

With our second adoption, I knew I wanted open. I wanted my second child to have the same access to his roots as our first child. Our relationship with his bmom is new and there are area's we are working on but it is far better then no contact at all. I care about her deeply.

I don't think the bparents complicate our life, I think they compliment it. They add the extra dimension we needed to ground our children, they give answers to questions, a link to the bio. roots, and the ability to comfort and reassure the child that they are indeed in the right place and with the right family, that they are loved by all, that they were not reliquinished because they were not wanted, but because she wanted to give her child more then what she had. Her child deserved more, she say's.

Below is a poem I wrote about our open adoption.

It was a choice to give you something better
better then what I alone can give,
better then what they alone can give.
but with both of us together,
we can give you the world.

A world where all your questions are answered
all your dreams are fulfilled,
and all your desires are supported,
With love and encouragement.

I join hands with your bmother so we can
form a united front.
A powerful family unit that is here to support
you and you alone.

For you are loved, not just by me
but by them,
You are cherished, not just by me,
But by them.
You were wanted, not just by me,
But also by your birthmother.

Together, we have come together
to watch you grow,
to share your joys
to comfort your sorrows
to have the answers to any questions you may have for us.

For there is only thing in this whole wide world
that matters to us
and that is you,
and your happiness.
So together, we reach and strive for that,
for you to know your birth roots while
giving you wings to fly and conquer this
great big world, that you were born into.

For you are a blessing to many
your smile lights up the room
and together, both of our families
will cherish your soul and spirit
and together, we claim you as our own!

For child, you are OUR own!

[MkMw]

LuLu - thanks for bringing up the point about the SS# - that and our annual income are the only 2 tings we asked our agency to black out if they ever shared our homestudy with an expectant mother. In this day and age, it is only prudent to keep that particular identifier as private as possible. On the other hand, with name (first, middle, maiden and last) a birthdate, address and phone it is virtually impossible to drop off the face of the earth - we are more findable than ever.

Other things (if I was placing a child) I would look at was the edcuation regarding open adoption the Adoptive Parents have had - and what type of ongoing support/education they have available to them. As Brenda said - all relationships are complicated and sometimes some postive reinforcement from an outside source is a good idea.


Who else can I brag about our daughter with who actually loves to hear about her.

AMom - exactly right!