[MOTIVATEDMOMMY]

HI,
I AM VERY NEW TO THIS WHOLE FORUM THING BUT I AM SERIOUSLY LOOKING FOR THE BEST ADVICE I CAN GET. I AM A 23 YR OLD WOMAN WHO HAS AN 8 YR OLD DAUGHTER WHO HAS BEEN ADOPTED I SIGHNED AN OPEN ADOPTION AND WAS PROMISED ONCE YEARLY VISITS N PICTURES AND LETTERS BY MAIL. IT HAS BEEN SIX YRS AND I HAVE NEVER SEEN MY DAUGHTER EVERYTIME IT IS TIME FOR MY VISITS THEY HAVE AN EXCUSE. I AM SO TIRED OF BEING PATIENT. LAST YEAR THEY HAD SENT ME A LETTER STATEING THAT THEY DO NOT WANT MY DAUGHTER TO KNOW ANYTHING FROM HER PAST LIFE. THEN LAST NIGHT I FOUND OUT THAT MY SISTER GOES ON VACATION WITH THEM TO LAS VEGAS AND OTHER LOCATIONS. ALSO MY SISTER GETS MY DAUGHTER FOR WEEKENDS THIS UPSETS ME BECAUSE MY SISTER HAS BEEN SAYING SHE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM ON TOP OF ALL THAT I DO NOT HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH MY SISTER. I FEEL LIKE THE RIGHTS I AM SUPPOSE TO HAVE MY SISTER IS GETTING. THIS DEVISTATES ME. I WANT TO FIGHT THIS IN EVERYWAY POSSIBLE AND HAVE GREAT HOPES THAT I WILL GET MY DAUGHTER BACK. SO I GUESS FROM HERE MY QUESTION IS DOES ANYONE THINK THAT BECAUSE THEY ARE BREECHING THE CONTRACT MADE BY THE COURTS THAT THE COURTS COULD GRANT ME MY GARDIANSHIP BACK. PLEASE RESPOND ASAP. I AM VERY OPEN TO NEGATIVE OR POSITIVE ANSWERS AND WILL ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS U HAVE REGARDING THIS ISSUE. THANKS SOO MUCH

[sstuart]

I am so sorry to hear about your ordeal, but I am afraid if you signed over your rights then there is nothing that you can do. An open adoption agreement is not binding in most states. You no longer have any legal rights. The aparents can close an open adoption for almost any reason and many do. This really needs to be changed, but I doubt that you have any legal leg to stand on and I am soo sorry. I understand your grief.

[MOTIVATEDMOMMY]

i understand that completely but i know that if the family is not fit to take care of the child and are contradicting themselves in many ways then i am sure something can be done. the same way if a child is being abused there is no right for the adoptive parents to still have the child i believe that it all depends on the situation. And the best of the child. the family is saying how they want nothing to do with her family but behind everyones back they are letting my sister have as much contact as she wants it is very not fair. i guess what i am saying is i will never give up....

[manni28]

i know that if the family is not fit to take care of the child and are contradicting themselves in many ways then i am sure something can be done.the same way if a child is being abused there is no right for the adoptive parents to still have the child i believe that it all depends on the situation. And the best of the child. the family is saying how they want nothing to do with her family but behind everyones back they are letting my sister have as much contact as she wants it is very not fair

Are you sure your not speaking out of emotion because you aren't able to have visits? I would be very careful about accusing the parents about something that's not true. You'll risk losing the chance to have a relationship with your child, forever. As an adoptive mom, I would suggest that you write them a letter gently asking why your sister is allowed visits but you aren't. Technology there is nothing you can do if they don't want you to have visits. However, if you do what I suggest you may find out why they are granting visits to your sister and not you. Maybe you all can work on better communication which, may lead to visits. Remember, you catch more flies with honey then with vinegar, so go slow and steady.

Manni

[RavenSong]

Your profile shows that you reside in the state of Massachusetts, which IS one of the few states that open-adoption agreements are legally enforceable. If you placed your daughter thru an agency, I suggest you call the caseworker who handled the adoption. If you handled it thru a lawyer, contact him and tell him what's going on. Maybe he can point you in the right direction.

The fact that your daughter's parents are not living up to their end of the OA agreement is regrettable and just plain wrong. It does NOT mean, however, that they are unfit parents or that they are abusing your daughter. These are extremely serious allegations you're making, and I would be very cautious about what you accuse them of. As Manni so rightly pointed out, it's much easier to catch flies with honey, rather than vinegar. If you falsely accuse her parents of being unfit or abusive, I can pretty much guarantee that you have about zero chance of seeing her before she reaches adulthood. On top of that, chances are pretty high that she won't want to meet you when she's grown up if you've trashed her parents.

If, on the other hand, you have some inside knowledge of actual abuse or neglect happening to your daughter, then you need to report it to Child Protective Services. But be aware that if the abuse is substantiated, your daughter will not be placed back with you. She will be placed in a foster home, not in your home. When you signed the relinquishment papers, you lost all claim as her mother in the eyes of the law. Legally you're a stranger in the court's eyes.

What I would do if I were you is to follow whatever procedure is necessary in Massachusetts to encourage her folks to maintain their part of the OA agreement. I would imagine that some type of mediation process is what usually happens there. Meanwhile, you can make sure that you become the very best that you can be, a woman your daughter will be proud of in the coming years. Continue your education, get some counseling for the rough times (we all have them!), join a triad-support group, read all the books you can on adoption, participate here on the forums, set goals for yourself, keep a journal and write down all your feelings and thoughts. It really does help to share your feelings and experiences with other birth/first mothers on online forums such as this one. I've made a lot of friends here who have helped me so much the past several years. I'm sure if you stick around for a while, you will too...

[manni28]

What I would do if I were you is to follow whatever procedure is necessary in Massachusetts to encourage her folks to maintain their part of the OA agreement. I would imagine that some type of mediation process is what usually happens there

Although what Raven said was true, I would try writing the letter first. You don't want to seem that you are going over the parents head by getting a mediator involved before trying to talk to them.

Best of luck!


Manni

[1HappyMama]

I'm very sorry that you are having to deal with this. I would try reaching out to the adoptive parents. I don't know that I would even bring up your sister, but try to establish contact of your own.

I hope you are able to become involved in your daughter's life. We just returned from a trip to visit our daughter's first mom, and LOVE seeing her. I pray that one day soon you are able to lay eyes on your daughter and that she is happy and healthy!

[loveajax]

Motivated, here is the Massachusetts statute that governs enforcement of an OA agreement:

Chapter 210: Section 6D. Enforcement of agreement


Section 6D. A party to a court-approved agreement for post-adoption contact or communication may seek to enforce the agreement by commencing a civil action for specific performance. A court order for specific performance of the terms of a post-adoption contact agreement shall be the sole remedy for breach of an agreement.
In such proceedings, parties shall not be entitled to the appointment of counsel; provided, however, that the court may appoint a guardian ad litem to represent the interests of the child.
In an enforcement proceeding, the court may modify the terms of the agreement if the court finds that there has been a material and substantial change in circumstances and the modification is necessary in the best interests of the child. A court-imposed modification of a previously approved agreement may limit, restrict, condition or decrease contact between the birth parents and the child but in no event shall a court-imposed modification serve to expand, enlarge or increase the amount of contact between the birth parents and the child or place new obligations on adoptive parents.
If the court finds that an action brought under this section was wholly insubstantial, frivolous and not advanced in good faith in accordance with the provisions of section 6F of chapter 231, the court may award attorney’s fees to all prevailing parties.
Nothing in the agreement shall preclude a party seeking to enforce an agreement for post-adoption contact or communication from utilizing child welfare mediation or permanency mediation before, or in addition to, the commencement of a civil action for specific enforcement. All proceedings conducted under this section shall be closed to the public and confidential and papers shall be segregated in accordance with section 5D.


If you placed through an agency (and MA is an agency only state so I presume you did), then you should call the agency to tell them that the a parents are not living up to the terms of the OA...I am pretty sure my agency would intervene (would they help you seek specific performance of the agreement by hiring a lawyer for you...not sure). If it was an adoption through foster care, your rights would be the same, and I think you should contact DSS (it may be called DCF now or something -- sorry?).

When you say you haven't seen your daughter for 6 years, is it that you haven't seen her since she was adopted (i.e., she was adopted at age 2) OR is it that you saw her for two years and then contact stopped (i.e., she was adopted as a baby)? It seems strange that the parents are saying that they don't want her to know her history but maintaining contact with your sister? Is it possible that your sister has told them things about you that aren't true, etc., and they are believing them?

Sorry, I obviously don't know all the details, but just wanted to make sure you knew what the law was. I also agree with previous posters that I would try to reach out (by letter or whatever) to the a parents first to see what is going on. In any event, you can seek to have the OA "specifically enforced," but as you can see in the statute, it doesn't affect the finality of the adoption.

Good luck and keep us posted.

[MOTIVATEDMOMMY]

As For Writing To The Adoptive Family I Have Been Doing That For The Past 6 Yrs. I Have Not Seen My Daughter Since She Has Been Adopted. I Have Wrote To Them Several Times But They Always Have An Excuse. It Is Very True What U Have Said About My Sister That She Has Probably Been Saying Things About Me Which I Know Is Very True. My Sister Has Basicly Been Digging Me In A Hole Since The Day I Gave Birth To My Daughter. She Has Alot Of Jealiousy Issues With Me. She Can Not Have Children So She Does This To Me. I Am Not New To This Whole Adoption Thing Of Being Very Nice To The Adoptive Family I Am Generaly A Very Nice Person I Am Very Patient And Want The Best For My Child But A Person Can Only Take So Much. I Have Never Said She Is Being Abused Or Neglected I Guess I Must Of Worded It Wrong I Feel That They Are Not Doing What Is Best For My Child. They Write That They Want Me In Her Life But They Feel It Is Not Time. They Mention That She Has Seperation Anxiety But What I Do Not Understand Is That It Has Been Six Yrs And She Still Has Issues Something Is Not Right There. Even Though I Am Very Young And Did Not Complete High School I Did Go To School In 2006 And Got My Ged Also I Am Certified To Take Care Of Children From Infant To Kindergarden. I Also Took The Early Intervention Course In College And On Top Of All That I Am First Aid Certified And Cpr Certified. So I Do Have An Education And I Have Been Also Seeing A Psycologist For Almost 4 Yrs He Is Very Informative And Helps Me In Every Way. So I Have Tried Everything But Going To Court To Fight This. And I Never Wanted It To Get This Far But Now It Is At The Point That I Have To Find Out Other Options Being Patient And Trusting In The Adoptive Family Was A Big Mistake. I Thought They Were Doing The Best For My Daughter But Now I Feel They Are Just Being Selfish That Goes To My Sister Too. If This Helps U Guys Understand My Situation I Never Wanted To Sighn The Papers At Court The Day I Sighned Them. The Only Reason Why I Sighned Them Was Because Everyone In Court Told Me My Sister Was Going To Adopt My Daughter But When I Sighned The Papers My Sister Never Showed Up To Court And I Was Very Confused Remember I Was Only About 17 Yrs Old And Had No Family All I Had Was My Boyfriend Who Is Now My Fiance And My Lawyer I Had No Support From My Family. That Just Made Everything Harder For Me. I Am Now Very Connected With My Family And Everyone Does Not Talk To My Sister Because They Feel What She Is Doing Is Completely Wrong It Is Not Her Place To Go Behind Everyones Back And Do This. I Have A Very Large Family Now Frorm My Family To My Fiance's Family Who Are Willing To Go Through Whatever I Decide To Do For My Daughter.so Hopefully You Guys Can Understand Me Alot More. I Am A Very Hopefull Person Who Believes That Everything Can Work Out If You Put Your Mind To It Something Good Is Going To Come Out Of This. I Truely Believe God Does Everything For A Reason So I Will Keep My Faith In Him.

[soupnazi]

So you put your daughter up for adoption at 2? She may very well have anxiety & attachment issues. That's pretty common with kids moved at that age.

Your daughter sees this couple as Mom & Dad, to even consider trying to disrupt the adoption is cruel. No court would allow it as you are not legally related to that child anymore.

I understand your desire to see you child, but that child has rights & feelings too. If she has RAD & anxiety issues then now may not be the best time for a reunion.

[MOTIVATEDMOMMY]

Originally Posted by soupnazi

So you put your daughter up for adoption at 2? She may very well have anxiety & attachment issues. That's pretty common with kids moved at that age.

Your daughter sees this couple as Mom & Dad, to even consider trying to disrupt the adoption is cruel. No court would allow it as you are not legally related to that child anymore.

I understand your desire to see you child, but that child has rights & feelings too. If she has RAD & anxiety issues then now may not be the best time for a reunion.

WELL LIKE I SAID BEFORE I AM WILLING TO LISTEN TO EVERYONES OPINION AND AS FOR THIS ONE I FIND IT VERY NEGATIVE IF THE FAMILY WOULD OF GIVIN ME MY ONCE YEARLY VISIT IN THE FIRST PLACE THEY WOULD NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT DISRUPTING MY DAUGHTERS LIFE AND IT IS AN OPEN ADOPTION AND THERE IS A CONTRACT INVOLVED SO NO MATTER WHAT THEY SHOULD NOT BE DISREGAURDING THAT. IF THE FAMILY WANTED ME NOT INVOLVED THEN THEY SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN A CLOSED ADOPTION INSTEAD OF OPEN IT IS NOT CRUEL FOR ME TO WANT TO BE INVOLVED IN MY CHILDS LIFE YOU ARE JUDGING WITH OUT KNOWING. THERE ARE ALOT OF LEGAL ISSUES INVOLVED WITH MY CASE AND TRUELY BELIEVE THAT IT IS CRUEL FOR SOMEONE TO CONSIDER THEMSELF A MOTHER WHEN THEY DID NOT GIVE BIRTH TO THE CHILD.

[RavenSong]

MotivatedMommy, may I give you one gentle piece of advice? When reading your posts on this thread, it is very difficult on my eyes when you capitalize the first letter of each and every word. I'm sure that others are having the same trouble reading some of your posts. The other thing is when you capitalize EVERY letter, it comes across as shouting on Internet forums like this one. Posters most often use all caps to get someone's attention. While that is fine for several words or even a single sentence, if you cap all the letters, it puts people on the defensive and makes them uneasy.

[sunshinemomma]

TRUELY BELIEVE THAT IT IS CRUEL FOR SOMEONE TO CONSIDER THEMSELF A MOTHER WHEN THEY DID NOT GIVE BIRTH TO THE CHILD. to quote

MotivatedMommy

Please rethink what you have just said. I am a Mother to my daughter every single day. True, I did not give birth to her as I did to my son but just as I am a Mother to my son I am a Mother to my daughter. It is with love that I am her Mother not cruelty.

Maybe what they did to you is cruel and not having heard the other side of the story I believe that it is but please separate the two issues.
I think what the OP meant was that it would be cruel to try and disrupt her adoption at this point. I know that you are hurting and am sorry that it turned out like this for you.

[manni28]

quote]THERE ARE ALOT OF LEGAL ISSUES INVOLVED WITH MY CASE AND TRUELY BELIEVE THAT IT IS CRUEL FOR SOMEONE TO CONSIDER THEMSELF A MOTHER WHEN THEY DID NOT GIVE BIRTH TO THE CHILD.[/quote]


Hi:

Once again you catch more flies with honey than vinegar!

Seriously, have you told your bdaughter's mother this? Because if you have, I can tell you why there are no visits. Even though they're legal issues involved, your bdaughter has been in her parents care for six years(?) and no judge will overturn the adoption. Nor do I think they will force visits with you. They may make them send updates and photos but even then, they might not be high quality photos or long letter updates( also, just a reminder, the aparents can go to court and ask for the adoption to be closed). If you write a letter gently asking them why you aren't able to see your bdaughter but your sister is, you may open up the lines of communication which may lead to visits.

Once again, slow and steady should be your mantra!

-Manni

[soupnazi]

THERE ARE ALOT OF LEGAL ISSUES INVOLVED WITH MY CASE AND TRUELY BELIEVE THAT IT IS CRUEL FOR SOMEONE TO CONSIDER THEMSELF A MOTHER WHEN THEY DID NOT GIVE BIRTH TO THE CHILD.

No matter what the legal issues are you are no longer legally this child's mother, Her adoptive mother is. No judge will take that child away from her parents because they didn't allow visitation.

And I said It would be cruel to try to take her away from her current parents....not to visit. In your OP you said you wanted her back, That just will not happen.

I'm not trying to be mean I'm just stating facts here. Open adoptions are hard to enforce & if push come to shove you may just make it worse.

How do you know it's not the child that doesn't want to see you? Forcing a child to visit you when the child may not want contact could actually cause her some serious trauma.

The real question is are you going after this for you or are you doing what's best for the child?