[manni28]

Open adoptions are hard to enforce & if push come to shove you may just make it worse.

I second what soupnazi said. Also, if your bdaugter was adopted from foster care that gives the aparents an advantage in saying to the judge why they don't want to have visits. In short, if your child was in foster care there's a reason why, and it doesn't make you look good. So I would write a gentle letter and hope for the best.

-Manni

[browneyes0707]

MM:

I completely understand your anger and frustration. If it were me this happened to, I'd feel the exact same way. Too many times, birthmothers are made promises of contact, sign agreements etc. etc. that are cut off, not upheld, or ignored once the adoption is final. It's wrong. Period. You put your trust in someone to raise your child, it's not a ridiculous concept that you would expect to trust their word in return.

"LAST YEAR THEY HAD SENT ME A LETTER STATEING THAT THEY DO NOT WANT MY DAUGHTER TO KNOW ANYTHING FROM HER PAST LIFE."

This part is really troubling to me. It sounds as if they intend to raise her without ever sharing who she is and how she came to their family. Does she know she's adopted? Does she know who your sister is to her? Another thought I had was if she does know she's adopted, are they trying to pass your sister off as her birthmother because they have more of a bond with her than you? Between the adoptive parents and your sister, I just see so many secrets and lies happening here, it makes me angry.

It might not be best for the child right now to have her reality disrupted with the introduction of someone new (ie: reunion) but it is DEFINITELY not best for this child to be raised with secrets and lies and denial.

However, I agree that you need to really work through your anger before you take action. You do NOT want to act on something out of emotion and have it taken out of context and have it hurt you in the long run. I agree with one last letter, short and sweet and asking to explore this option of opening the adoption. Make copies of EVERYTHING. If they still don't respond positively, or with some sort of clear concrete reason why they are not holding up their OA, then proceed ahead with whatever steps you have to to mediate (Agency interverntion, etc). Forcing someone uphold an agreement in my mind isn't unreasonable, as long as you remain above board about it.

Also, you might have to resort to baby steps. Asking for visitiation right now might not be in the best interest for your daughter, but maybe pics and letters and some form of contact are, with the understanding that the goal is to work towards visits down the road. It might not seem like what you are after, but in the big picture, it might be best in the long run.

While I agree that "forcing" an OA might not be the best scenario, neither is a child being raised without the benefit of knowing who they are, and the importance of keeping your word and honoring promises. One day, this child may learn that her birthmother had to resort to mediation because her parents didn't honor their request and shut her birthmother out of her life. I can see how that might cause irreparable damage to the relationship that she has with her parents. I wish they could see that risk.

But like it or not, these are her parents. Whether you feel that she acts in their best interests or not, she loves them and looks to them as Mom and Dad. If you want that to work, you HAVE to respect that bond, for her sake. Giving birth doesn't make you a mother any more than NOT giving birth makes you less of one. Try to work through those thoughts before you act on them. Focus on how your daughter would want you to act on her behalf.

I wish you luck and keep posting!

[MOTIVATEDMOMMY]

The real question is are you going after this for you or are you doing what's best for the child?[/quote]

i am not a selfish person and i am not gonna put me whole life on the internet so there are alot more issues in this open adoption than u know. i can see already the difference between people these days just in all the messages . there will always be negative and positive people. i have always wanted the best for my child but if the family wanted an open adoption then they should of known what they were getting themsilves into i do not under stand why someone would try to manipulize a child that they are mommy and daddy if they know the child will visit with the parents why wait so long to have a visit. it is simple because they are scared that my child will want to be with me i never hurt my daughter nor neglect her in any way in my situation my sister got invovled in my life with jealiousy and told dcf alot of crap therefore she drilled all this false stuff about me she also gained a relationship with the dcf worker and turned them against me it was not proffesional at all i did parenting classes counseling and the service plans they put in place for me but they never budged in my favor i always wondered why sorry but i believe race has alot to do with it they wanted my daughter to grow up with an all white family. also i want to write if you are writing back to a message i sent out on this forum make sure u read what i write alot of u guys i think cannot read or something or u judge me right from the start that is not right u may get offended by some of the things that i write about the adoptive family but that is only in my situation it does not mean that other adoptive mothers are the same way i do not judge no one nor do i try to make anyone feel uncomfortable.

and to those having trouble reading my messages because they are in caps lol sorry i just hate always hitting shift button i do not take the internet as serious as most of you who feel like i am yelling in caps lol

[JustPeachy]

i can see already the difference between people these days just in all the messages . there will always be negative and positive people.

Motivatedmommy, just because you are getting advice you may not want to hear doesn't mean it is negative, or the people are negative who are giving it. I think everyone has been respectful in their responses to you, but they are right in that you want to approach this very carefully and not risk making the situation worse for yourself.

Have you spoken with someone, an agency worker, attorney, counselor, or other professional who can give you some advice as to how to best proceed? I think it may be in your best interest, as others have mentioned, to write to your daughter's parents and request what was promised you. Do not threaten them. You really need to stay above board with this, I think. I understand your anger and it is hard to feel like you have to "tiptoe" around them or walk on eggshells, but I'm afraid if you come across with guns a-blazin' they can justify cutting you off. And certainly, if you make a comment that your daughters mom can't be a mom because she didn't give birth to her, well, that will not help your case, I can assure you of that. Even if you feel that way out of anger, I would not express that to your daughter's mom, or anyone else trying to help you in this situation. That is probably best worked out in therapy with your counselor.

[soupnazi]

i do not under stand why someone would try to manipulize a child that they are mommy and daddy if they know the child will visit with the parents

Oh dear...I'm not sure you understand what adoption means. The adoptive parents are now her mom & dad. You are her birth mom, first mom or natural mom. But to that little girl you are no longer just mommy.

They are not babysitters or just some people raising you child. to that child they are her parents. If you cannot respect that then I can see some problems with a reunion.

What are you going to do when the child calls you by your first name instead of mommy? Because that is very common in adoption.

my sister got invovled in my life with jealiousy and told dcf alot of crap therefore she drilled all this false stuff about me she also gained a relationship with the dcf worker and turned them against me it was not proffesional at all i did parenting classes counseling and the service plans they put in place for me but they never budged in my favor i always wondered why sorry but i believe race has alot to do with it they wanted my daughter to grow up with an all white family

DFS will not terminate parental rights without a reason. If your sister reported you for something that resulted in the removal of your daughter AND TPR then it must have been validated somehow. Even lousy parents can get their kids back if they follow the case plan. As for race...that isn't an issue. No one is going to take a kid JUST because you are a certain race.

I'm with JustPeachy I think you need to sort out some things in counseling.