[cjg662]

I am only 5 weeks pregnant and undecided right now about adoption. If I could find a wonderful family willing to have an open adoption, that would be much better for my baby. I want to have an extended family type of relationship. If the couple wants to tell that we are the birthparents, I'd be fine with that. If not, I'm fine with that also. I'm almost 42 years old and have already raised 3 wonderful children. I really don't want to start over.
If I can't find this, we will keep the baby ourselves.
Is this a common arrangement? We would like to be "grandparent-like" and have a relationship with the parents. Not to meddle or control anything; just to know the child.

[PackDaddy]

I don't know how common it is but it is definitely possible and no you are not expecting too much. We adopted a little girl who is now 4 and we pretty much have the relationship you are describing. In fact we are going to Disney World with the enitre birthdad's family in Oct. We no longer live in the same place as the birthparents but we see them quite a bit and travel to visit birthfamilies often.

Here are a couple of links about our story:

welcome

Technician - Student finds adoption a real choice

AMSTEL LIFE

She's a mother, just not a parent - Local & State - News & Observer

I would consider not using an agency and finding someone you trust, build a relationship with and do the adoption through your own lawyers.

[susie_book]

It's possible, but I don't know how likely it is. Depending on what state you live in, you may be able to have a legally binding open adoption agreement: I believe that's possible in Arizona, California, Connecticut, Florida, Indiana, Louisiana, Massachusetts, Minnesota, Montana, Nebraska, New Mexico, New York, Oregon, Rhode Island, South Dakota, Vermont, Washington, and West Virginia, but that list may not be super current. I can tell you that I see my son every couple of months, and email his mom about once a week, and that my impression is that I am very fortunate to have this level of contact. If you're in Washington or Oregon, pm me and I can probably help more. =)

[belleinblue1978]

South Dakota DOES NOT have legally binding open adoptions except in the case of step parent adoptions.

I have no legal recourse should my child's parents choose to close our OA.

[susie_book]

Sorry, Belle--I got the list from an amom on a.com and have not independently verified it. =/ I'm one of the lucky ones, which makes me a little complacent sometimes.

[meghann]

You're not expecting too much - there are hopeful adoptive families out there who would love to have the sort of "extended family" relationship you are describing. There are a lot of people still who are uncomfortable with a very open adoption, but as long as you don't "settle" for less than what you want, you can find the right family.

It's true that OA agreements are legally binding only in a handful of states, but that doesn't mean you can't find what you are looking for. Look at it this way: a legal agreement doesn't guarantee the sort of close relationship you are hoping for (it only guarantees that you have legal recourse if the APs cut off the agreed-upon contact; it doesn't require them to have a warm relationship with you or to consider you their extended family); neither does the absence of a legal agreement mean you can't have exactly the sort of relationship you want. It's not about legalities - it's about finding the right family, one that truly wants exactly the relationship you want, and is willing to work with you to build that relationship.

Since you're still early in your pregnancy, you have plenty of time to search for the family you're looking for. Since it sounds like you already know what you want, I'd suggest that when you're ready, you find an agency in your area that specifically deals with (or that deals a lot with) OPEN adoption. Agencies that promote open adoption do a lot to educate hopeful adoptive parents so that they know what they are comfortable with, etc. I think you might be more likely to find a family that has really thought about how they want to do adoption & embrace openness if you deal with an agency that promotes openness.

(I'm speaking from experience here - we dealt with a wonderful agency that really encourages PAPs to think about open adoption & provides a great deal of education regarding it. We have a fully open relationship with our daughter's first mother - and initially *we* were the ones who wanted more contact than she did. Our relationship is still developing, but we absolutely consider her part of our family.)

Good luck to you.

[belleinblue1978]

No biggie Susie, I just wanted to make that clear so if someone living in SD was reading this thread, they didn't get their hopes up.

[zxczxcasdasd]

I want to have an extended family type of relationship. If the couple wants to tell that we are the birthparents, I'd be fine with that. If not, I'm fine with that also.

Just wanted to chime in that I hope you are not okay with a situation where you are in the child's life and yet the child is not told you are the birthparents. The child will grow up and the later he/she finds out the truth the more it will hurt, and possibly shatter him. Imagine finding out that your whole family knew a really intimate, fundamental truth about you and yet all conspired to make sure you didn't know? How would that feel? Openness shouldn't just be about you and the potential aparents, it should include the child.

I know you're thinking about your child with love, I just wanted to address that one point.

Best wishes and please be in no hurry to make this decision. 5 weeks is essentially just finding out you're pregnant. You have many months to consider this carefully.

[cjg662]

I think we have found just exactly what I described in my thread. We both feel good about the couple. He has been friends with them for a long time and they are just as excited about the arrangement as we are.

[adomomma]

I agree. I think it is very possible. I am an amom and we (and I know lots of other afamilies) are looking for similar arrangements...or at least hopeful they can happen. We have one mostly open relationship with ou son's birth family and one closed (per bmoms request) with our daughter. To me, openness is far better.

I dont know much about the binding agreements. As an amom, they scare me (just the what ifs) but after lurking on this board, I could understand why something needs to be there to protect the relationship.