[LoveMyKids94]

My precious daughter is adopted and we were supposed to have an open adoption, but the birthmother closed it with no explanation. I suspect her new hub may have had something to do with it--he is the father of her other child (one that she did not relinquish), however I'm not sure he is the issue. My sweet daughter is bi-racial and the birthmother's MOTHER was horribly prejudice, refusing to help her at all with the child if she kept her and pushing her to choose adoption. My daughter was two when her birthmother sort of disappeared and we couldn't find her.

Recently, as a healthy and developmentally normal 12 year old, N. has confided in me that she has a missing part inside of her because of her b-mom. I went online and it took a few months, but I found her. I had an intermediary call, but she wouldn't come to the phone. She knows how to contact me and knows that "our" daughter needs her. It's been a month and I haven't heard anything from her. Since I never lie to my daughter, and we are in therapy over this issue, I told her the truth about finding the b-mom, and that, for some reason, she was not ready to talk yet. I have second guessed the therapist and myself on telling her, but I can't undo that. My daughter is very resilient and is functioning well, in spite of all the new info she has, but I know it's weighing down her heart. Can anyone give me insight as to why a birthmother would not want to know her birthchild, knowing that the adoptive family loves her (birthmother) and would welcome her into this child's life? I am so hurt and sad for my daughter. I just would like to have a little peace of mind by hearing possibilities. I'm thinking maybe she was taken by surprise and simply isn't ready. Also, the birthfather (who's family we tried to contact too) is in jail and they did not part on good terms. Could she remind her of him? She is a wonderful child. She looks a lot like her birthmother and she'd be proud of her too. And, as much as I wish it had been me, I was not the one who conceived N. My hub and I love her with all our soul, but we can't fill the emptiness she has, no matter how hard we try...thanks.

[-maggie]

Would it be possible to write a letter to the bmom and explain everything to her?

JMO It COULD be that she was just taken by surprise by the phone call. She may be afraid to call you back not knowing what it was you wanted from her. It could be just a lack of understanding of the situation and have nothing to do with how she feels about your daughter.

[RavenSong]

Personally, I think your hunch that her reluctance has something to do with her current husband is probably what's going on here. She could be feeling caught between a rock and a hard place, so to speak. Maybe the husband intimidates her?

When I reunited with my son back in 1990, his birthfather kept putting off meeting him. The main problem was bdad's wife...she threatened to leave him and take the kids. When he did meet our son, it was done without his wife's knowledge.

If I were you, I would sit down and write her a letter (not email). Outline your concerns, and remind her how much your daughter needs some type of contact. Be friendly, and talk to her woman to woman, mother to mother.

Good luck - I know how much this situation has been bothering you lately. I hope bmom gets her act together for the good of your daughter.

[JustPeachy]

How long was bmom in open adoption with you before she closed it? Did that coincide with her marriage to her new husband? I'm not sure if the open adoption was too much for her and she backed away, or if the new marriage partner has influenced her to not keep in touch, or both. I have heard for some birthmoms, OA is really difficult, as they have a hard time seeing their child and being reminded that he or she is not being raised by them. It can become too much emotionally. Of course, it is best to think in terms of how it will affect the child, and set aside your own emotions for the sake of them, but dealing with difficult emotions is often easier said than done. Some cope better than others. Your daughter's birthmom may be wanting distance from the OA if it is too painful for her. She may have "moved on" in her life and is putting a painful past behind her. There could be any number of reasons.

I had/have a semi-open situation as open was not available at the time I placed my son. This seems to have worked out best for everyone. When I look back now, in retrospect, I wish I could have had open, but when I think of where I was emotionally and maturity-wise at that time, I'm not sure I could have handled it, to be honest. I have very strong opinions and like to take charge of things. I would have had a tendency to want to co-parent, and it would have been hard for me to see my son's parents doing things their way if I did not agree with them. I was also, when I was younger, in great need of emotional support and it wouldn't have been fair to my son's parents to feel they needed to be my support system. I can't speak to how your daughter's birthmom feels, but these are just my ramblings from my own situation.

[Janeytwo]

Hey LMK94,

Can anyone give me insight as to why a birthmother would not want to know her birthchild, knowing that the adoptive family loves her (birthmother) and would welcome her into this child's life?

I agree with the others that the husband may have a great deal to do with it. Plus with a mother like she has, the bmom may be feeling tremendous pressure from all sides. She may fear that people could turn on her and she might lose her 2nd child. Though this may not be a reality, but in my mind at least that fear was always there with my youngest daughter who happens to be your daughter's age.

Also, you might be right that your daughter reminds the bmom of past pain, but that is the bmom's problem and not yours or your daughter's to have to own. ((( LMK94 )))

I have second guessed the therapist and myself on telling her, but I can't undo that.

On the contrary, I laud you for having the courage to be honest. And I would submit that your daughter is the "resilient" and "well-fuctioning" girl she is because she knows she can trust you to be truthful with her. IMO, that is so very important to children.

My hub and I love her with all our soul, but we can't fill the emptiness she has, no matter how hard we try...thanks

Dear LMK94 - I know it's hard but try not to do this too yourself. You and your hubby are every bit as much your daughter's parents as the woman who gave birth to her (and I'm a bmom saying that too you). You are right, no one can live our individual struggles for us. There are demons we all must face within ourselves. But the fact that you are there to hold your daughter's hand, to be truthful with her and to stand side-by-side with her through her difficulties PROVES that you are her parents.

All God's peace your way today!