[Emberbit]

For those of you who were given a choice of open or semi open, why did you choose the one you did? Did your agency push one or the other? Have the a-parents kept up their end of the agreement?

What is the difference really between open and semi-open? Everyone’s definitions seem to vary. If you send pictures/letters directly but don’t visit, is it open or semi-open? If you send everything through the agency for snail mail and only have an email address to contact the a-parents directly and always visit in a public place (but do visit) and don’t know the a-parents’ last name or identifying information is it open or semi-open?

I’m getting so confused trying to sort these terms out and they don’t’ seem to have a concrete meaning. Can any one help?

[joelynn]

From an amom point of view...our agency called it semi-open. No last names...bmom's either. Send pictures and updates every month the first 6 months, every 3 months until a year and then once a year until our son started school. I sent a couple times a year and still do...he's 9 and in the 4th grade. Bmom has sent a couple things over the years but all was done through the agency! I sent bmom our info such as address etc. but I don't know if the agency gave it to her or not. So that's semi-open as we know it.

[Emberbit]

The reason I ask is that my…I don’t even know how to explain who she is to me…the e-father’s sister, placed for adoption and she has visits 4 – 5 times per year and has for a while now…but she doesn’t know the a-family’s address or phone number or last name. They don’t have that information about her either…she says she likes it that way. At the visits (which they arrange by email and have in public places) they exchange pictures and such.

She says her agency calls this “semi-open…but I didn’t know you could have visits with a semi-open placement. I guess it’s all very individualized…but how am I supposed to find a-parents who want the amount of contact I do if I can’t even find the words to describe the amount I want?

[joelynn]

Just ask your sw what they determine open and semi. I didn't think I would be comfortable with open when we started. Now that we have no contact with bmom#2 I appreciate what we do have with #1. When we were looking at going back to original agency to do #2 we made plans to meet with bmom#1 with our son. I actually looked forward to it. We ended up parting ways with that agency...long story...for another day...so I' was disappointed. One day we will get to meet with her again even if it's not until our son is old enough legally to have his records unsealed...As long as both our son and bmom#1 are okay with it. Best wishes...I'm sure you will find aparents who will love whatever you want.
PS...make a list of what you feel like you want and use that to determine how much you agree on...just a thought!

[Rifilanna]

The agency I worked with didn't tell me and the a-parents the same thing about the adoption. So we had differnt expectations about the level of openess! It was so disheartening for me and uncomfortable for D's family. I wish I had worked directly with her parents, with the SW in the room, and created a useable communication plan. I had wanted an open adoption (and was told that was what we would do), we started with a semi-open adoption, her aparents closed that adoption after two years, and after nine years asked me directly (I wasn't hard to find, took them two days) for a fully open adoption. I like the fully open best!

The semi-open was hard for me, becuase everything went through the agency who I didn't trust after the initial fiasco. It also forced us all to keep contact through a beaurocracy, with changing staff, and after a few years no one know who was who! I am not organized so it was hard to do scheduled communication. I disliked that agency went though things I sent for her.

Open is easy for us I think becuase we live 14 000 miles from each other; so we don't get in each others way. My nieces enjoy an older cousin that lives close by. I really like being able to call her when I want. Boundaries are in place beucase of distance and cost. My mom likes having D in her life. I would never have wanted anything other than open if I had really had the choice. Having tried all three ways this is the one that right now, works for our extended family. Not having to go through the agency, being able to initiate contact and being able to visit freely made all the differenct to me.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Our agency did not want us to have a fully open adoption. The adoptive parents did. They have kept their end of the bargain.

Differences range from basically closed (sending all correspondence through a third party so that no identifying information is exchanged by the adoptive and birth families) to visits in fully open adoption. There's variations in the middle, obviously.

[Emberbit]

So basically, I need to decide how much and what kind of contact I'm looking for and then communicate that withotu getting hung up on whether it's "semi-open" or "open."

[joelynn]

Originally Posted by Emberbit

So basically, I need to decide how much and what kind of contact I'm looking for and then communicate that withotu getting hung up on whether it's "semi-open" or "open."

Yes...exactly! Keep looking until you find the right situation that you're comfortable with. Best Wishes!!

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by Emberbit

So basically, I need to decide how much and what kind of contact I'm looking for and then communicate that withotu getting hung up on whether it's "semi-open" or "open."

I think this is it. Figure out what you want and then work to find the possible family who is willing to commit to it in good faith. People define things different ways...

[loveajax]

I agree with Joelynn and BlessedbyBug....We signed an "open adoption" agreement (the "standard" the agency used) that called only for updates/pix through the agency. Now I would call that "semi-open." (We ended up changing the agreement to include more updates and a yearly visit).

If you do decide to place, the terms don't matter so much as defining what kind of contact you want, when, etc. (Do you know whether your state enforces OA? That's something to think about as well.). Good luck.