[Emberbit]

I spoke on the phone with a possible a-parent yesterday. This was a single woman and very nice. But I think she wants a placement far more open than I can deal with…but maybe I’m wrong? Maybe I can deal with more than I think I can?

I was asking if they’d be okay with 1 or 2 visits per year and phone calls/emails with pictures in between. And she’s asking about vacations together and asking if “the siblings” want to spend some of summer vacation together, would I let my older child (referring to my 6-year-old, but I’m guessing years in the future) visit for short periods of time. How long is a short period of time? “Oh maybe a weekend here and there or a week of vacation in the summer...” Uh…you want to what?

Why do I have more trouble with the concept of my daughter (the one I’m raising) spending time with someone without me than I do the idea of giving a baby over to them to raise? I mean…my daughter’s not attached to my hip. She flew with her uncle (my half-brother; age 19) out to visit some of our cousins in Illinois for a full week this summer without me. Her first time on a plane and he says she was fine. My cousin (older than me by 5 years and mom to a brood of twins plus 1) said she was fine the whole time and when I talked to munchkin, she sounded like she was having a lot of fun.

That is normal in my extended family for the kids to visit as “vacation” trading kids over the weeks or in different years as long as the kids are having fun and giving the parents some adult time (I did it as a kid and loved it, especially January weekends in FL with my grandparents) but I’m having trouble wrapping my head around this possible a-family being extended family…

Are their a lot of a-parents who want this extended family thing? I mean…I guess if we were getting along really well and they invited munchkin to visit for a few days and she wanted to, it would be okay…but…it bothers me. I know most a-parents are sane and it’s not going to be like, ‘we have one of you kids and now we want the other’…but that’s my first gut reaction.

Does anyone have advice on how to get used to this idea or stories of such openness working?

[Vogi2002]

I don't think I would be comfortable with this either. To me this is a deep friendship she is talking about...one of those that I only have with a few of my friends even. Something like this can't be planned...it just develops.

I wouldn't even think of letting a stranger take my child...and it IS different than if you place because your 6 yr old won't grow up with her. Not to mention it might be very emotional to see her sister and spend time WITHOUT you (not have someone to talk to etc).

To me it sounds like she is overpromising things. I don't think anyone realizes the amount of emotion in an open adoption for everyone that makes it hard to "just take a week's vacation". Not saying it will never happen....it's just not something that will automatically happen.

I love the idea of them being like "extended family" but that takes time...and honesty...and a lot of emotions to grapple with before hand.

In the end you must do what is comfortable for YOU and ONLY you. If it makes you uncomfortable, don't feel like you have to match.

I do know of some OA's who are like this...but it's not something that happened overnight (like the kids are 5 or so) and it took a lot of work and understanding. Even with that, sometimes too much is too much...and it still has very powerful emotions attached to it.

[bromanchik]

It's what I have and it's been great for all involved.....
PM me.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Our families are extensions of our own immediate families. The children are siblings; you can't deny that fact. It works for our family because we make it. We love having their presence in our special days and vice versa. The children love playing together and bonding.

Don't write it off because of an initial gut reaction. Openness means different things to each person. Take time to consider what it could mean for your family under each scenario.

A note for thought: it's easier to set some boundaries on an adoption you feel is "too open" than it is to open an adoption you feel is "too closed."

[TrixieBelden]

We are PAP. We are willing to let the Emom's comfort level drive this discussion over the phone. I don't think I would have suggested these concepts so soon LOL! I am just to nervous that I would scare someone off.

I agree that this is an area of deep trust. Our family does this all the time - the shifting of kids over a certain age to a cousin's house for a week or a couple of days over the summer. It's a hoot. We'd love it growing up and the kids love it now. I guess they love coming here because we don't have children and thus we indulge them.

But we've known each other forever.

I think it would take a long time or a special chemistry to develop this kind of relationship between the Emom and her family and us. Trust doesn't usually happen overnight. Someday it would be nice to have this kind of relationship but it seems unusual to have it early on...of course every situation is different.

I think you are perfectly normal in your feelings. *shrug*

I think it's good that this PAP mentioned her interest up front and if it is too scary for you - then move on. At least no one will be disappointed later if the expectation was voiced and dealt with during the interview.

We have been telling our Emoms that they are in the driver's seat regarding this aspect. Our only requirement is that full openness requires a foundation of trust, respect and "healthy" living (which means a safe lifestyle not granola and soy!).

The response has been positive. We expressed a willingness to work with periods of closure and periods of extended openness. The flexibility and commitment to flexibility seems to be well received.

In the end though all of our Emoms have decided to parent or have dropped out of contact. We are on match 4 and are only 3 weeks from delivery. However the agency feels the Emom is starting to close herself off and that she will ultimately parent.

So I guess it will be awhile before we can report on how successful our "flexibility" is...

Sincerely,
Trixie

[Emberbit]

I agree that this is an area of deep trust. Our family does this all the time - the shifting of kids over a certain age to a cousin's house for a week or a couple of days over the summer. It's a hoot. We'd love it growing up and the kids love it now. I guess they love coming here because we don't have children and thus we indulge them.

As kids, we loved it. My daughter's actually a little young for it but very adaptable and I was having a rough July. Back 1st week of June, I had the twin boys (age 8), a girl/boy sibling pair (12 & 7) and an only child (girl; age 10) who's like...my third cousin or something...visiting. My munhkin loves it, to have them all there. I start to feel a little frazeled a few days in...but my sister came by every morning to help and really, my munchkin, as the youngest is the hardest. Kids seem to get easier as they get older.

We have a very big (huge) extended family. Of my 4 grandparents, not one had less than 8 siblings. I would never want an imeditate family that large, but the assortment of cousins and such is nice...but we grew up together, the cousins and I. We camped and fought over bunk beds and tried to drown each other in the pool. Of course I trust Cousin B to watch my 6-year-old for week when the 6-year-old in question is begging to go see her boys.

I guess that kind of thing with an a-family might be okay...if it developed over time...and I don't think she meant "immediately" just as a distant hazy future type of thing...but that she's looking so far ahead and thinks that shoud be the end goal made me realize that I had to think about not just immediatly post-birth but what do I want 10 years from now...and that's scary.

I have my counseling appointment Friday evenings so yesterday...and when I ran it by him...he said, I really don't have any advice other than that "placement is a lifetime decision so you have to look into that hazy future and decide what the goals are. You can' figure out how to meet them if you don't know what you want." But I dont' think he has experience in adoption and I'm not sure how to find somone who is.

[Juliana13]

In the end, you have to do what feels right for you. On this site, - and the world at large - there are a wide variety of people doing adotion in a wide variety of ways. You need to figure out what feel comfortable for you, what you are willing to do, and what you want. Then find a place for your child that fits. You will find prospective aparents that fit almost every possible description and comfort level.

Some thrive in the open adoption environment, some flounder and struggle with it. Some are much more open and involved than most. Many feel more comfortable with semi-open. Trust yourself. YOU are this child's mother, and YOU have the right and responsibility to choose what you think is right for him/her - and for your older child. I say follow your gut. (Of course, make sure it is an informed gut LOL!) Trust your feelings.

(((HUGS!!!)))

[BrandyHagz]

Like Brenda, this is what we have as well...happy to answer questions via PM

[taramayrn]

I think at the beginning that might be a bit much, but certainly over time I could see that happening. At least with our adoption. We consider each other extended family and while we haven't had the kids by ourselves I think this is a reality soon. We have developed a real trust between aparents and bparents, but it took time to build that trust.

[Rachael55146]

I am a birth mother and I have a very open adoption. I only gave birth in August of last year and I have already seen the baby girl about 6 times. I went shopping for Christmas with the Amother. It has been an amazing experience! My own Mother and Father have attended visits with me. My cousin will be going with me on my next visit.

If you ever want to talk. PM me