[Stormster]

The woman who's child we are hopefully adopting is very anti-open adoption and even wary of any level of contact with her child. Actually this has happened to us twice.

The first time, I was really pushy and sent all kinds of literature about why open adoption is good for the triad but particularly for the birth mother and for the adopted child. I felt very sure that if she knew more about it, she would agree with us but if anything, it pushed her away.

Now we are in a situation with a woman who is convinced it is confusing and unhealthy for the child. But really, I think in both cases, it was the mothers who did not feel emotionally ready to make that choice.

I kind of know the answer to this in that from now on I'm going to leave it there on the table for future discussion. This woman does want photos and hopefully will stay in touch with us because of that.

But I've learned a lot and do feel that the child who will be our adopted son should know his mom (esp. because she is so wonderful!) and it would be best for his emotional well-being to have some relationship with her.

So blah blah sorry here's my question:

If a woman placing her child does not know more about open adoption, what is the best way to let her know why it is a good option, possibility whatever...I feel like if I do nothing, both the child and the mother are going to miss something but if I "preach" which is what i feel I did in the last situation it just makes everyone feel uncomfortable.

I sincerely do not want a closed adoption. I do not consider sending photos anything like an open adoption. I can't force her to be involved but how do I let her know how important it is to me before she's even given birth and decided with certainty that she wants us to raise him?

[BrandyHagz]

Direct her to resources where she can learn more about it - don't force feed her...its a personal choice and she needs to have the right to make whatever one she wants, without being pushed either way.

Give her the resources to make an informed decision - then let that decision be your answer.

[SchmennaLeigh]

J&D initiated conversations with me that I never would have broached, considering I just wanted pictures and updates. They told me to keep an open mind about visits post-placement. Leaving the door open let me walk through it when I was ready to broach it.

[Stormster]

I know it is her decision to make. And I hope for everyone's sake she does walk throught that door but yeah, that force feeding thing does not help anyone!!!!

The interesting thing is our profile said we would like a fully open adoption and she still contacted us....so maybe in the back of her mind she sees it could be a good thing...

Either that or she just missed that!

[BrandyHagz]

Its possible she had no idea what open adoption was...most people NOT involved in Adoption have no idea what it means.

I am surprised you went ahead and matched with her, since she didn't want an open adoption...was it something that was talked about from the start?

[SchmennaLeigh]

As Brandy stated, I'm evidence of not knowing WHAT open adoption entails. Our eversolovely agency told me that ALL I could have was pictures and letters. Perhaps she just simply doesn't know, has someone telling her conflicting information or watched too much Lifetime.

There is a LOT of misinformation out there.

[thanksgivingmom]

I was completely and totally prepared (or so I thought) for a closed adoption. I had bought into the "out of sight out of mind" mentality. The "it will be easier to move on" idea. Then I gave birth.

Four days later I was left a letter from the woman that would become my daughters Mother. It said it was her greatest wish that DD know me. Suddenly, everything changed. I realized that I could do it. For me, it took being there and realizing the amazing connection that had developed during pregnancy and birth. It was something I really couldn't comprehend before it happened.

Having said that, that's what happened with ME. If your emom doesn't want that, it must be respected. Pictures and updates CAN turn to more, but be prepared for them not to as well...

[jaenelle]

If this potential birthmom wants something totally different than you do, why are you matched with her in the first place? While I understand your desire for a baby, I think it would be better all-around if everyone wanted roughly the same thing. Why did you feel it was okay to enter into a situation that wasn't what you wanted?

[Stormster]

We don't match we forge relationships.

not like agencies. Not black and white.

[jaenelle]

Originally Posted by Stormster

We don't match we forge relationships.

not like agencies. Not black and white.

Okay, well... this relationship you're forging doesn't seem to be including all of you on the same page as to what openness is desired. In a private adoption as well, I assume you would have had the right to decline this situation if you knew it didn't seem like what you want.

[HBV]

Could you just leave your contact info with her and tell her you're there if she changes her mind?

I totally understand how you could wind up with something different than you thought you wanted---we did. And I don't really agree that the difference in your outlook on this from the birthmom should necessarily preclude you from accepting the situation, as long as you're prepared for the possibility that she's NOT going to change her mind, and the potential fallout for the child if she doesn't.

I'm w/ Jenna---leave the door open, hope she decides to walk through at some point, and think about how you'll handle it if she doesn't.

[ContactChar]

Originally Posted by jaenelle

Okay, well... this relationship you're forging doesn't seem to be including all of you on the same page as to what openness is desired. In a private adoption as well, I assume you would have had the right to decline this situation if you knew it didn't seem like what you want.

Well, of course there is always the option to walk away, but it's not always that simple. I also wanted an open adoption, but ended up with a closed one. It's not an easy thing. . . I would love for my son to know his birthmom, or for her at least to pick up the letters and pictures I send to the agency. Openness was only one of the factors that was important to me, though. It was not a deal breaker for me, since I view openness as a benefit for the child. If I didn't adopt him, he would still end up in a closed adoption with someone else, so how have I benefitted him? In my earlier (failed) match, the mom also wanted a closed adoption. When the baby was born, the agency was able to persuade her to accept letters and pictures, and by the time of discharge, one visit a year. Although we disagreed on openness, I clicked with that mom on many levels, and we are still in contact, even though the adoption was not completed. My point is simply that I think it's perfectly appropriate to pursue an adoption relationship even though one of the many factors that are important to you may not turn out the way you wish. Especially when the factor is one like openness, which has the possibility of changing over time.

To answer the OP, I would just remind the mom that you strongly desire a fully open adoption, then leave it alone. She may come around. If you don't think she will, decide for yourself how critical the openness factor is for you.

G/L,

Char

[kelceesmom]

Gwen,
We wanted an open adoption as well. We have not heard from the bparents since TPR was signed. We did leave them by saying you have all our information so if you change your minds please contact us.

Maybe as you send pictures and jot down a few things your baby is doing the bmom will open her heart to having so contact. I wouldn't push the subject but make it clear that you are willing to accept the bmom as part of your lives if she so chooses to have you.

It wasn't a "deal" breaker for us not to have contact but it would have been a huge bonus.

[Leigh131313]

I totally understand how one could end up in a closed adoption even when seeking open.

I could not turn down a match because the pbirthmom wanted less contact.

I just would make sure she realized the door was always open for her.

[taramayrn]

Originally Posted by BrandyHagz

Its possible she had no idea what open adoption was...most people NOT involved in Adoption have no idea what it means.

Chiming in late in the game - but this was my first thought. Maybe she really doesn't know what open adoption is and what it entails. I think your best bet is to direct her to the resources that will help explain all that open adoption is. After that she still might choose to only keep in contact via pictures and letters. But like you said, she might be considering more contact in the future. Which I hope is the case. Now, she might not even realize that she can have more than pictures and letters. Maybe she isn't sure she can handle more, but maybe once the baby is born she might change her mind.

I haven't read the whole thread yet, so, I apologize if these questions/thoughts have been addressed already.