[mom2justynsarah]

I firmly believe that aparents & birthparents need to be on the same page. If you strongly want an open adoption, and the expectant mother strongly doesn't, you may be in for some heartache.

The facilitator we used ONLY deals with open adoptions. So any prospective aparent (or expectant parent) who do NOT want contact will be turned away.

[Arruniel]

The first time I heard about open adoption, I thought it as a cruel joke. I was put through so much, and about to give up so much, and they wanted more! Not only did they want my child, they wanted me. It sounded greedy and despicable. But the AGENCY explained to me why the a-parents wanted it. They gave me plenty of information, and explained how it's meant to be better for the child. I gave in, and gave myself over to open adoption. It's very hard. I've made it seven years, but most open adoptions don't. If this woman has said no already, even if she gives in she may say no again in the future. Then how will your child feel? Not only will they have a perceived rejection, they will have out right rejection! Please don't try to force open adoption on any woman that doesn't want it. There are plenty of women who do, or at least want to try it. Why not give one of them a chance?

[taramayrn]

Originally Posted by Arruniel

It's very hard. I've made it seven years, but most open adoptions don't.

I find your statement very interesting and I'd really like to know where you got this information from.

[Arruniel]

Originally Posted by taramayrn

I find your statement very interesting and I'd really like to know where you got this information from.

About 6 years ago. LOL I'd love to be corrected. Heck, I'd love to see the current stat.s. I couldn't find many when I looked way back then. I know it was true of my agency then, and was true a couple years ago. If things have improved, I'd be happy to hear it. Even if they haven't, I'd love to hear that. Gimme some hope here, people, please.

[taramayrn]

So where did you get the information from?

[Arruniel]

Originally Posted by taramayrn

So where did you get the information from?

From web searches, here, and the agency I used.

[taramayrn]

Okay, just wondered. I have just never heard that most open adoptions do not stay open.

[aclee]

I am a hopeful amom, who really wants open adoption. I am concerned that when I read agencies "available situations" some of the mothers indicate they don't want an open adoption. I spoke with a couple agencies on that and they said that some bmom's change their mind. They typically ask the aparents to send the updates, letters and pictures their way, and they keep them in the bmom's file. If she changes her mind, she knows she can go get the updates. It would help me to know that she would always have the option. I would ask you agency if they support that option at least. Maybe other bmom's here will have a better solution.

[hippiemom]

I was told by the first adoption agency I went to, that me wanting to be involved in the baby's life was along shot. That most adoptive parents wouldn't allow that. Thank goodness I found my amazing new family, Pam and Bruce, Abby's adoptive parents. They have told me time and again when I have mentioned that it would be easier if I walked away from it all that they will "hunt me down" Our adoption is bit more open than some maybe, but we love it and couldn't be happier with it. I would say that one of the best ways to educate the mom to your choice is to get her involved in some sort of support group, and make sure she has someone clearly explaining things on her end. You guys have your coordinator, she needs one too. It helps to know as a birth-mom that you aren't alone in this, or in your choice of open, closed, etc.

[Stormster]

Our relationship has evolved over time. And to some of the previous posters how could I as a PAP who was educated about the benefits of open adoption simply walk away from a PBM who did not understand what it open adoption is ? Especially when she had already decided that we were the right family for her.

I wanted and still want as open an adoption for the sake of DS. I never ever would walk away from a family over this issue because things change! And they have.

As a matter of fact, I don't think many people really do understand the way independent adoptions unfold. We had hours of daily contact before we were even chosen and no ultimatums were made. She mentioned later that she liked the idea that we were "open" to open adoption but was not sure about it herself and just needed some more time to pass in order to define it.

She told me she saw "open adoption" on our profile but thought of it as a possibility to be discussed down the road. Not a hard and fast arrangement from the beginning.

All this black and white thinking in this thread makes me glad we were able to get to know her directly, slowly and over time. Our relationship evolved and I know she is sure about us because of the time that was taken to define the subtleties of our adoption. And, because she has told me this, that our relationship defined the adoption rather than the way someone else (or a profile) presented us to her.

[Vogi2002]

LMAO - Storm I read this and thought "OMG is she adopting again and already matched!?!" LOL then I saw the date.

Glad it's going good and at your pace. I often think things are mostly not so "black and white" as comes across on the boards some times.

[Stormster]

Things are going really badly but the adoption will remain open. I'm just having to get tougher because she has lapsed back into serious addiction (and all of the problems that go with it).

Still, she will always have us here when she is ready to call and NOT ask for money. Door is wide open but I have had to put a cop at the door LOL

[lovestohappen]

I hope I have found a source to help me answer this dilemma. I am a maternal birthmom Grandparent. My daughter after 30 days in the hospital with 3rd birth child, giving her much maternal love and care, ( according to nurses records) was unable to particiapte any further and walked away from the hospital , after she was told baby would be apprehended. My daughter was a known addict. I am raising her 2 beautiful and older children , 14 and 7. The ministry at 6 weeks of age of the baby, contacted me to tell me of the baby's birth. They Asked if I would take a third. I said No, this baby must be given a chance for her own family and a " NORMAL " life. I told them I wanted her placed for adoption. 3 months later , after I finally located my daughter she was notified baby w oiuld go f or a doption. My daughter , through her pain, did not / could not step forward , and it was left to me , to provide child's history to the best of my knowledge.(Father unknown ). At 5 months baby had no potential family. I finally was able to refer a couple I knew , through my grandson's school, as prospective parents. The Social Workers moved on it, my friends moved to a different part of the city as their 2 older children went to school with my youngest grandchild. The prospective parents, received the baby on her first birthday. At the beginning of the discussions, we established this would be their baby, and the grandparents would be the adoptive grandparents. I, in the back of my mind, thought , we may have some contact , but did not expect it to be overwhelmingly in favor of an open adoption as such. The Adoptive parents , have now told me how my 14 yr old grandaughter would be such a positive role model for their daughter. They adore my other grandkids, and want them involved as siblings to their child. My grandson and their twin boys are ecstatic that they will have a life long special relationship.

Here is the problem. My son who is 2 yrs older than his sister, lives a distance from us, and is adamant that we not be involved in this child's life, and that we let go, so she never learns about her birth mother, or that my daughter shows up years from now. My daughter by the way , does not attempt to impose herself upon her children, she realizes her life is one they should not be exposed to. She stays in touch with me, and I often look for her, so I may continually reach out, tell her there is another path, and I wil be waiting for her. My daughter knows the family is one I know, she knows I will not tell her who they are. She asked me if they were good people, and I told her baby will be well loved, will have 2 brothers, and some contact with us, and she will live an advantageous life. I told her , the adoptive parents pray for her recovery, and that one day , if she has had many years of sobriety there MAY( no promise) be an opportunity to meet them and the child. I told her , I will ensure she has a picture of the little one yearly, as provided to me by AD parents.

Now to the issue at hand. The AD parents wish to make the birth siblings and myself extended family. They will be her brother and sister , in addition to her adoptive brothers. I am to be considered Nana. My 14 yr old grandaughter and I , question and worry , this will not be healthy for the little one in establishing her new family. We do not want her to ever think her AD family is not her real family. We don't know how we will handle the questions re: her birthmom , as her life is not one we want her to know about.

This is my concern... My 14 yr old grandaughter and I , do not want this little one growing up , knowing anything about the difficulties, her birthmom experienced in her late teens and adult life. My son and all my friends ( including adult adoptees in this ) are adamant that we need to stay away , and not be involved in an open adoption, for the sake of the child. My friends also think this is a continual reminder to the older siblings also , of their mother's lifestyle that is particularily painfiul for us . My grandson has been with me since birth , and at 7 has not given much thought to my daughter's lifestyle, and embraces me as Mom. My grandaughter on the other hand, has never had a year where her mother's life has not caused her sadness. My grandaughter is confused as to what to do. She on one hand will say , this is a reminder of all the things my brother and I have never and will never have, a reminder of another little piece of me that is missing. And yet her face lights up when she sees the baby . What am I do to do here? There are 3 children involved. I have to make the right decision for ALL of them ! My son is angry with me, and will probably cut me out of his life , If I embrace the OA. If I do embrace it , I will never be able to share anything with him , about the latest baby .

My grandaughter and I , love the baby , and want to make the right decision for her, excluding our own feelings. Keep in mind there could be many babies to come. My grandson and this baby , had it not been for the illecit drugs, very possibly would have been terminated. There have been many terminations, and I am praying my daughter, will be able to find the consciouness and awareness to get her tubes tied.

So far her two youngest at risk births children have dodged major bullets , and appear to be healthy . The 7 yr old has minor learning issues but we are winning that battle. The baby is ahead of all mile stones, and healthy after a rocky start. She was in foster care, until adopted at one year old.

Please tell me what you feel !

[Leigh131313]

I really don't understand what you are protecting your placed grandchild from. Your daughter is a part of her history - her complete history. You will not be able to shield her from the facts of your daughters life - besides, who doesn't have a skeleton or two in their closet.

Just because you have contact does not mean that your daughter will or should have contact. You have an opportunity to see your birthgrandchild grow and blossom - I don't think I'd be so quick to pass it up.

Chances are your birthgrandaughter will one day know all about your daughters history anyway - So if anything all you are doing is putting off the inevitable.

If they are open to this - and you'd like to be a part of your birthgrandchild's life.....I just don't see the harm.

Good luck


Oh - we have a lovely open relationship with my sons maternal side of the birthfamily, his birthgradmother is a sweetheart!!

[gatorkids]

We wanted an open adoption ten years ago and so did our birthparents. During the first year, the bmom kind of fell off the planet entirely. She moved and left no forwarding address and she did not try to contact us.
I guess this was her way of closing the door.

Last night, ten years later, she showed up again. She now has four children and is ready to handle knowing more. I'm not quite sure *I* am ready for that.

The bottom line as far as my experience goes, you can only make the offer to have an open adoption and you will both find a comfort level along the way. She should respect yours and you need to respect hers. It's kind of tricky, but it can be done!