[Looking2Adopt]

I have a question, why would birthparents NOT want to have an open adoption? at least with the open adoption bparents have the right to know what is going on with their child if they choose to?

We are in CT and looking to adopt, and before we adopted our son we felt very threatened and confused about open adoption. Now that we have one adopted child, and are looking for another child to love, we would DEFINITELY want the bparents to have visitation or updates, (whatever the bparents are comfortable with). The fact is, it is the TRUTH. My husband and I realize that our son Griffin's biological Mom and Dad are part of who he is. What can be so wrong with having a child understand that he is loved by not 1, but maybe 2 sets of parents? Each of them playing an important role in who he/she is?

Just wondering what bparents feel about this, since we would like whichever bparents choose us to feel comfortable with us.
Thanks!
Julie and Scott

[jeniferL7]

I am a birthmother, who chose open adoption. The reason being, is for one... I got to interview the families and pick the one I felt would be best for my daughter. Second... the future contact part! Definitely! My daughter is now 7 and I still receive picture every 6 months! Being an open adoption, I also got to have the 'mom' in the delivery room. She can tell her all about the day she was born. And whether it hurt to look at the picture or not.... I had them... and it was up to me, when the time was right to look at them. Atleast I had them there for the option. Believe it or not... they have been more help that hurt. Yes, it hurts to get the pictures. To see my daughter being raised by someone else.. more of a pride thing though. They can give her things I can't.... but more than anything it reinforces the decision I made. Seeing how well she is in fact taken care of and loved, and surrounded by family and those that love her!
No matter what, I will never regret my decision... it was best for her and me at the time.... and no matter how good I am doing now.... she is where she belongs!
I think open is the best option! Personally! I had a great experience with it! As bitter-sweet as it was.

Jenifer

[Resseda]

I can speak only for myself. I thought I wanted a closed adoption because I thought it would be easier to move on with my life. Well, oh boy, did I realize I was wrong, and thankfully, the afamily was open to contact. but then, after a couple months, nothing. Honestly, if I had known they'd wind up cutting me off after all these great promises of pictures and contact...I wouldn't have bothered.

While I'm sure you are genuine in your desire to have an open adoption, the reality seems to be, there are a lot of people who say the same thing, get the baby and then...poof. They just blow the whole thing off. I suppose the risk of that heartbreak could keep a potential bmom from an open adoption.

I wish you luck,
Ress

[Looking2Adopt]

I appreciate the honesty of your post regarding your adoption experience. Maybe it was because when you started the adoption you thought you wanted it closed, maybe that is what the adoptive parents you chose expectations were....

I know our minds will not change about wanting the adoption to be open if the bmom/bparents are comfortable with it. I know this because we already have one adopted child and we are very open with that adoption. because another family in our neighborhood has a daughter that is adopted and their adoption is also open and we have discussed it.. and again, because our reasons are very child-focused. We know it is right for our child to know his/her birthparents. Tt is the truth that although we are Griffin's mom and dad, we are not biologically related. That does not make us love him any less. When we are chosen by bparents to have another child to love, it will be the same way. Nothing can change the truth, not an opinion or a feeling, it is the truth and that is what's right.

I hope that your situation improves so that your child will get to know you and your courageous and loving decision to place him/her with a family who loves him also.

-Julie

[Looking2Adopt]

Julieanne-

I completely agree with you about the value of open adoption. When the adoptive family puts the child's needs first, it doesn't make any sense to have a closed adoption. Sooner or later, the child is going to want to know a little bit about his/her biological background. There is another person out there that he/she may look like, act like, have similar traits, etc. Especially with the internet and webcams, all the different forms of transportation, and regular mail.. there is no way that a distance should interfere with an adoption being open or closed. If the adoptive family wants to make it work, and the birthfamily want to make it work, then it can work... We think it is completely worthwhile to make it work, because in the long run, that is best for the child and for the birthparents. My husband and I feel that if birthparents meet us and get to know us, they will see how much we value their child and what a loving family we are. There will not be any wondering about how the baby is doing, if the birthparents can see that for themselves.

Thanks.
Julie
and best wishes to you in your search

[Free_to_be_me]

I'm another birthparent in an open adoption. I have a few things that I would like to say.

First, I live over 3000 miles away from my birthdaughter and her family. I am still able to see her a couple times a year. She has also asked her parents if she can come to visit me sometime and they are talking about making a family vacation out of the trip. Someday. Anyway, the distance has not caused us to lose touch with each other or stop communicating. We probably talk on the phone, e-mail or write about once a month.

Second, I am the birthparent of their older child. When they were trying to adopt a second time, I asked them what kind of openness they were hoping for. They told me that before they adopted the first time, all they cared about was getting a baby. They didn't really have any strong preferences about how much openness they had. The baby was the important part. The second time, they knew how great an open adoption could work out and they told me they weren't willing to accept anything less for their second child. They didn't want to have one child with an involved birthparent and the other without one. They even said that if they felt a match wouldn't work out well (meaning they would have their second baby but not have a good relationship with the second birthparents) they did not want to adopt that child. I was shocked when they told me that. Openness is truly so important to them now that they would rather only have one child with an open adoption than two children with only one that is open.

So, the story continues with the family being chosen by another pair of birthparents. Although their relationship with that set of birthparents isn't the same as their relationship with me, both relationships are open, respectful and healthy. Both of the children know about adoption and birthparents. The two situations are definately not the same, but they are both working well.

[tbrightwel]

My husband and I have a very open relation with our dauhters life family. After all if parents can love more than one child, why can't a child love more than 2 parents ? She gets to be with, talk to and know her life family, and they get to know us. Its a win-win situation for our child.

[aj2002]

Why would birthparents not want an open adoption? I didn't want a totally open adoption... to much pain. I had total faith in the family we selected. However, my fiancee still wanted to be a part of his son's life, so here we are. Every two or three months I am forced to go visit them and pretend that I am happy for them when all I really want to do is scream at them for taking my baby away from me, grab him and run. I guess the one thing that keeps me going is that as hard as it is for me to see him and them it would be even harder for him to grow up with all the identity issues adoptees usually face. So, here I am. I'll always just be "Amy" and she'll always be "Mom"

[bromanchik]

Originally posted by aj2002
Why would birthparents not want an open adoption? I didn't want a totally open adoption... to much pain. I had total faith in the family we selected. However, my fiancee still wanted to be a part of his son's life, so here we are. Every two or three months I am forced to go visit them and pretend that I am happy for them when all I really want to do is scream at them for taking my baby away from me, grab him and run. I guess the one thing that keeps me going is that as hard as it is for me to see him and them it would be even harder for him to grow up with all the identity issues adoptees usually face. So, here I am. I'll always just be "Amy" and she'll always be "Mom"

How old is your son?

The first few years, when your child really does not understand who you are, are the hardest for birthparents in open adoptions. Believe me, as the birthmom of a 19 year old, it is worth all the difficulty of the first few years when you are able to share a love with your child all your own. The first time my 2 year old told me he loved me as he climed into my lap was worth the pain. You are building something with your son whether it feels like it or not.

[gnslngrsgirl]

Wow! I think open-adoptions can be good and bad. Sometimes, it is too painful for the bmother to see someone else raising their child. Maybe the mother wants to go on in life without any ties, or surprises later in life. If a woman gave her baby up for adoption at 17, and at 35, she has a happy life and family who know nothing about it..and all of a sudden this person comes back into their life, it could cause a lot of problems!

Now, on the flipside...I gave my little girl up for adoption 3 months ago. Every month I get an update and pictures. I met her new parents. They want her father and me to be a Very active part of her life. My boyfriend and I could not have raised this baby right now. We both miss her terribly, and when we see pictures of her, we know she is okay and well-cared for. Of course we worry about these things, but with these updates , our worries vanish. One day, when she is older, we'll be able to see her, and maybe her visit us. They live in TX and we live in NC...a bit of a drive or flight. I am so happy with an open-adoption, but I can understand why someone would want a closed one.

I do not, however, understand how they deal with not knowing how well their baby is doing. I thought it was all fable about getting motherly instincts when you have a baby...it hit me like a ton of bricks. I love my little girl and her adoptive parents like part of my family...and they feel the same about me..an extended family.

[ellemeth]

Another possibility not mentioned is that some agencies, like the one I placed with for my first adoption, insist that the mother-to-be is asking too much by wanting a completely open adoption. They said that no one would be willing to share so much information with me or have contact so frequently, even by letter or telephone.

She said, you'll be getting pictures and letters twice a year isn't that enough? Even that much is a lot to ask for. New parents are busy. (Too busy to take pictures and address an envelope? I wondered.) You don't have to ever see the pictures if they make you uncomfortable. You could just leave them here. The adoptive parents will send them and we'll keep them here for you to pick up when you're ready. That's better than having them arrive unexpectedly in your mailbox.

They wouldn't even let me share my contact information. "It will make them uncomfortable," she insisted. How would it make them uncomfortable to know how to find me? They don't have to use the information.

I didn't know better then and I place through that agency in a semi-open adoption despite my reservations. We had one carefully supervised visit. We were at a public place and the person form the agency didn't say more than ten words the whole time but I couldn't forget that she was there, observing. I can't help but wonder if she thought my three year old daughter and I would run off with the baby. And we would have literally had to run because I don't even drive.

The second time, I knew better. I got what I wanted. Full contact information and a family who wants to stay in contact. Even an 800 number for the family that they will keep in service for the first year. And I feel better knowing that if I want to know if everything's okay, I can just call.

But I'm sure many young people in crisis pregnancies don't know enough to feel comfortable contradicting the agency. Tehy are vulnerable and often will believe anyhting if only to give themselves the illusion that everything will be okay.

[A.Lynne]

My adoption counselor is the mother to eight children! Five are adopted. Two of her children are the same age. One has an open adoption the other is closed. One knows his heritage and where he comes from and the other doesn't. She has noticed the difference in the two and is now searching for her son's birthmother. She thinks the agency they went through talked her into a closed adoption.

If I couldn't have had an open adoption, I wouldn't have had one at all. I know my son's adoptive parents were leary of me and my role at first but we have gotten used to each other. We have a very good relationship. I get pictures and emails a few times a week and we had our first visit since August last week. When they adopt their next child (hopefully not for a few years) I hope they will have another open adoption.

[gerberbabies]

I am what I'm learning you call a birth mom. I am now almost 14 weeks pregnant, and looking into finding the right family for my child. I have 3 kids already (ages 1,5,& 6) and have realized I can not do this again. I love my children all the way. And the thought of NOT knowing what is happening in this child's life once he/she leaves my arms would kill me. I wasn't sure how much of an open adoption you could have (getting pictures, how often you could keep in contact, etc) which is why I'm here to learn more. But this is the only way I want an adoption to take place. I see in the movies the kids finding out at 18 that they're adopted, and some start that long search of finding their birth mom/parents. I don't want this child to go through that pain. I hope that when I do choose a family, it is the right one. But through an open adoption, you can make sure at all times you made the right choice (if that makes sense?). And to be honest, if a family I'm considering doesn't want this, I would be worried. It's as if they're wanting to hide something almost. And through contact, they can learn more about my background and family, so that this child can learn it later on. I think it benefits everyone in the long run. The adoptive parents can then also learn more about the child by learning more about the birth mom.... Hope that all makes sense. Thanks to whoever started this website. I have a feeling this will help alot!

[A.Lynne]

You can your adoption as open as you like. If you find the write people to adopt your baby, then everything will work out. You could get updates and photos once a year or you could get emails a few times a week and regular visits! Good Luck! Let me know if you need anything along the way!!

[lisa in venice]

after two clsoed adoptions we had one fully open adoption and decided that from now on that was the only way to go. Our fourth child was placed in what was supposed to be an open adoption but her birth mother has dropped out of contact. We don't know where she is. I think in her case she just was not capable of maintaining contact at theis point in her life. She has many challenges and keeping up with us may just be an added burden. We are very sad about it but she has all of our contact info including that of our parents so no matter what she will always be able to find us.

lisa