[katlyn]

I just wanted to see how segregated these two really are. I had never knew much about open adoption until I found this site and it has been very eye opening. It does seem to me though that the two seem very segregated, and I just want to know, aren't we all going through the same grieving processes. I know that with an open adoption bparents still have some sort of connection there. Even with that connection, I would think that there is at least some form of loss or grief. I am not jealous, by no means, even if I had known before of open adoption, I don't think I would have been able to have dealt with seeing my bchild after the papers were signed. My main question is just this, in the end when the papers are signed, aren't we all still in need of support as BIRTHPARENTS?

[MrsHoot]

I think it's hard to say anything concrete about any group of people, there are always circumstances that makes one story different from another but in general I agree with the overall thought and agree, post-adoption, we could all use some support!

IMHO one of the biggest difference is that in a typical closed adoption the birthparents never know if the children are dead or alive, so when the adoption occurs some often grieve as though the child hass passed away. Where as in some modern day open adoption birthparents may either have visits or photos so at least they know the kids are alive....and if they have visits these parents also have the chance to meet their children or even be a part of their lives...but I'm sure that too has it's own issues.

I do however subscribe to the thinking that were are all the same, we are all human beings, we all hurt, love and yearn for support just like anyone else does

C.

[lahdh4]

I never considered a difference in the grieving process for us. I always thought that since we are birthparents then we all go through the grieving process. It may be alittle different but we all have to deal with the effects of signing that paper.

[SchmennaLeigh]

One would assume. But I haven't felt welcomed at all recently by those in closed adoptions. Or, a select few. Or something. Just because I know where my daughter is and I see her doesn't mean I don't grieve and I'm tired of being told that I have it easy and therefore I have nothing to contribute.

[Mommy24]

The reality of it is that we all grieve, open, closed, whatever its hard and some days even in a closed adoption I am ok. I enjoy talking to Bmoms who are in Open Adoptions, I live vicariously through them, yet I know they still have their pain. I think we are all looking for the same thing, Support, even when you cant relate, just knowing that even though we are on different paths we still have the same common reason for being here.
So in answer to your question, no 2 people are alike, but we as bparents do share a common bond.

[browneyes0707]

Most of you know my situation, and I kinda feel trapped in the middle, so to speak. I don't consider myself in a closed situation because I always knew where the family was, and who they were, and the offer was on the table for contact. We have contact for a period of time but for years I did not keep in touch, and have had no contact with my birthdaughter. I now get pictures and updates from a -mom, but not on a regular basis and nothing between DD and I. So I would say it's not exactly open either.

I find things in common with all of the birthmothers I have met, we all have the same feelings of love and loss for our children. Just for different reasons and under different circumstances. I have also through this forum found similarities between my feelings and those of adoptive moms and adoptees. I have even found similar emotions in common with mothers who divorce, and sadly those who have lost their children to death.

In the end we are all humans, touched by our children and our families

[kakuehl]

I worry a bit sometimes, because I tend to post all over the boards, when I see a thread I relate to in some way. I'm not always sure my point of view will be welcomed because I'm not from the "right" side of the triad for the thread.

I was recently (today) thinking about starting a thread for birth/first mothers in reunion and the similarities with first mothers in open adoptions.

After 33 years of not knowing, I found that my firstborn son is very much alive - and interested in a relationship. With that, my life changed. Now the challenge is to negotiate the minefield of this new relationship. Just like birthparents in an open adoption, I am not the custodial parent. (Not that a 33 yr old has a custodian - other than his wife! LOL) I am not the mother who raised him. I can answer his questions, be there for him, love him (as always). I can't tell him what to do in the way my mother said to me: "When I'm 70 and you're 50, I'll still be your mother and I'll still tell you what to do." (S can, although he may choose to ignore her!)

In some ways, Jenna, I feel some of what you express when you have a visit with Munchkin coming up: excited, nervous, insecure. While we are older, our relationship is still very new. In some ways we're in the smae place in our relationship except that in my case it's D who decides the amount of contact while in yours it's the parents. At the same time I love the way the contact enriches all our lives... all my children and grandchildren now have more siblings and niece/nephews and cousins etc. The fact that part of them call me Kathy and the rest Mom or Nana doesn't really matter.

I sometimes envy those who have experienced open adoption for two reasons. The first of course is because they get periodic updates on their children. (I cherish the pictures of D as a child that have been shared with me since reunion.) The second is that I admire (envy) the ability to spend time and deal with the grief of not parenting/ walking away each time. I'm truly not sure I could have/ would have chosen a fully open adoption if I'd had that option.

As has been noted by others, while we may experience apparently identical situations, all of us are unique and so none of us will ever have an identical experience of being a birth/first parent.

Jenna, I'm sorry you have felt unwelcome. It seems to me that the strength of these forums is that we support one another.

[taramayrn]

Honestly - no we aren't the same. Our experiences are different, the social climate we placed in is different and therefore I think the way we grieve is different. We need to remember that we can learn from each other's experiences and that we can be great supports for each other. But, no one's pain is greater or grief is worse, it's just different.

[katlyn]

Honestly - no we aren't the same. Our experiences are different, the social climate we placed in is different and therefore I think the way we grieve is different. We need to remember that we can learn from each other's experiences and that we can be great supports for each other. But, no one's pain is greater or grief is worse, it's just different.

Taramayrn,
I didn't mean that we are all the same, what I meant was that we are all birthparents dealing with grief in some way. I do realise we are NOT the same, but I am still learning here and wanted a little insight from all sides. I have been made to feel and have tried to make others feel that I am open to all sides and all opinions of the triad. It was just a question that I was pondering, not intended to ruffle anyones feathers or point fingers. We are all different and we are all going through different situations. I came here for support and answers and to find a place I "belonged", like so many others before me and all the ones that will come after. Thank YOU to EVERYONE, for your honesty and for your insight! God Bless.

[taramayrn]

Katlyn - just to clarify my post was not in reference to anything anyone had posted here, just my thoughts on the subject. I'm sorry that my post came across as if I were angry or upset by the question. Certainly I am not - it takes alot for me to get angry or upset - don't worry.

[littlebitty]

I have to say that I feel very fortunate that I am in an open adoption. Because it is so open, I know my son's parents. I have come to love them. And I feel so blessed that I will still be able to see him on occasion (I'll get to fly up for his baptism in a couple months... meet all his aunts and uncles and cousins) and get to see how he's living, growing, thriving. Yes, I did grieve. I do grieve. But I wouldn't have it any other way!

And I also have to add.... that no matter what the cirsumstance of the adoption are... we, as birthparents, are all in need of positive support, regardless of how open or closed it is. Lack of support and negative support can be nothing but destructive.

[InBlindFaith]

My adoption was closed and at the time I knew very little about Open Adoption. After coming to this board and finding the wonderful successful Open Adoptions I get excited!! I only wish I knew more about Open Adoptions back in 1988.

The common bond here is that we are all Birthmothers. Another common bond is that we love our children and we want the best for them.

I think each one of us have something to offer to one another...even if it is just a hug, or a squeal of excitement because something wonderful had happened, or a shoulder to cry on.

I may not be able to relate to an open adoption, but I can certainly relate to the feelings of love a Birthmother of an Open Adoption will have. With a Birthmom in a semi-open adoption I can relate to their feelings of loss if they don't receive the pictures or letters that were promised. For a Birthmother in a closed adoption I can relate to the fear of never knowing.

I don't care what side of the triad or what type of adoption someone is from. I can learn something from each person that will help me in my journey and I am able to offer something back to help them.

[lahdh4]

For my relationship with L&B, I don't relate to anumber of those in an open adoption. I am the one to call up and set up a visit. I don't phone calls out of the blue, spur of the moment emails or the like like a number of you and I am jealous. I have more than those in a semi because I do go to their house and we have knowledge of each other. Lately I tend to relate to those more from closed adoptions. That is who I talk to the most. Many of them are close to reunion or have just started a reunion. Maybe it is because it is the relationship that I have and many of these women did the research on their own just like when I do things to get a visit or phone call.

[InBlindFaith]

Is my adoption considered Traditional?

It is a closed adoption through an Agency...I never "went away" but I never had the option to choose the adoptive parents or see any pics of them or see a bio. I had absolutely no clue about the adoptive parents until a search angel provided me with info last summer.

[bcady68]

Open, Closed, Semi-Open Adoptions are all the same...
My son will was born November 16th, 1997. It was to be a semi-open adoption. I knew where they were at before he was born although no one knew I did. After hearing nothing for 3 years & no help from the attorney, I made contact directly & now they are in hiding. My daughter is now in therapy twice a week because of the affect their silence has had on her. I continued my search forever only to realize the connection was right in front of me after I let go of my anger over the silence.
As Birthmom's we wait for years wondering if we will be blessed with the opportunity to be with our child again. I believe with all my heart, I will be in spite of the silence my son will be a physical part of our family again, his presence is very much here, just not his body. From the very beginning after his birth, I could tell the a-mom what he was going to do & I was always right. Love is energy that flows even when there is not contact. In spite of my daughter's pain, I have finally come to peace with his adoption & I wait for my daughter to find peace & when that comes, I know he will be with us again.. Forgiveness is the key. Forgive yourself, forgive others who keep their children & neglect them, forgive the a-couples for not following through on their promise to you. Always Love, always hope & always believe you will be reunited... We are all the same...