[Arruniel]

During my last visit with my daughter, someone came up to us and her a-mom, and said how much she looked liked the a-mom. The year before it had been someone saying my daughter looked so much like me. And when she was a baby like her a-father.

Her a-father has dark hair and eyes, and a square jaw like her b-father. Her a-mom has dark blond hair and green eyes like me.

I was gracious and kind, but I heard some strange say that my own child looked more like another woman than me! Partially because of their hair cuts and glasses.

You think not knowing is so painful. I'm sure it is. Even the months between the times I get to see my daughter are difficult. On the other hand, knowing brings up a whole new crop of problems.

That is the difference between b-moms in open and closed adoptions.

It's not about grief, it's about the day to day considerations, and the inconsiderateness.

Oh, and the dubious honor of being a pioneer in open adoptions.

Centuries of women to support each other in closed adoptions; two decades of support for the frustrations that only an open adoption can inflict on a birthmother.

Oh, it's a beautiful thing. My agency had a support group. It had for prevous b-mothers who had gone into an open adoption. Only one was still in contact with her child, and she was years ahead of me in the process and it was going sour for her.

I might be the only birthmother in an "open" adoption in my own city, a city of millions.

And the longer I keep it going successfully, the fewer there are like me. Most open adoptions close in the first few years, or end up with no face-to-face contact. I have enjoyed, and endured, seven years worth of visits.

I amnot friends with my daughters a-parents. It is solely for her benefit, though I look forward to seeing her.

I'm glad this section is here. It's about the only place I know to find people close to what I'm going, through.

[kakuehl]

Just a quick comment Arruniel, neither of us (closed or open) can totally experience what the other does. Yes, women have been in "closed" adoptions for centuries... but very often they've been alone. I personally know one person who placed for adoption and I only found out about her because her bson found her and she "came out of the closet." I personally have never had a "support group". Also, even though you suffer through the times when you don't see your daughter, you do see her, you know she's alive and well (or not); for 33 years I didn't know anything about my son. I didn't know he was in a car crash that almost killed him when he was 15, for instance...

I don't believe that closed is easier or harder than open: each has its special pain. I think part of the question the OP was asking was aren't we the same in that we both have lost the gift of parenting our child through adoption.

[SchmennaLeigh]

Arruniel; the attitude presented in your post, the one of "my pain is worse because (enter reason here)," is exactly why the two groups have trouble understanding one another. Until we agree that our pain is equal but different, there will be a rift. With that rift, we can never come together to fight for reform. We're divided and that does no good. You can never understand the life of a closed adoption while the other mothers can't understand the issues that accompany openness.

Be glad that you can't understand the other's pain and empathize. Talking about your own struggles is one thing. But down playing the pain of another is useless.

[sstuart]

Mine was a closed adotpion and DD is now an adult. But if I had to see her growing up whether there were pictures or visits I think it would tear my heart out every time. There have been times when I think I wish I would have done an open adoption, then I would know she was ok. But when I really start thinking about being a bystander looking it, I think that would tear me up.
I think they are different, but both are a greif that very few understand. I am sure both have heard that you took the "easy way out" and gave your baby up.

I have two children now and I think this is much easier than having to place my child. I know it was the best think for the situation, but it causes many people much greif.

[keds]

Arruniel, I must say that I admire you for "sticking it out" and doing what is best for your daughter, even at personal sacrifice. I can't comment on open adoption as I am from the "closed era" and at times I wish that weren't the case but sstuart makes a good point - being there would tear my heart out as well. I have had no support and this website is the first time I have spoken to anyone in 27 years as it was too painful. I kept my emotions to myself. Thank God, I stumbled onto adoption.com after receiving a note from my bson through the agency (I left a note saying that I wanted to meet him if he ever chose to do so and updated my address, etc. whenver I moved) that he wanted to meet me and I was terrified. I suppose the only thing that can be said that open and closed adoptions are painful, period. Something should be done to make the whole process easier but I, like so many others, recognize that but have no solutions. All the best.

[sstuart]

I think much of it is the stereo typing, that somehow we must have been bad people( on drugs, alcoholics,or we are just so callus that we don't care). I agree with keds, until I came to this forum I have kept my feelings to myself and often still do. Noone that I work with knows I had a daughter 21 years ago. I was always through school one of the "good girls" I was a rule follower. Until I broke them and then I did not want to be a "disappointment" I am not a bad person, but when I hear people talk about bmoms it is always a comment that we didn't care and take the "easy way out" After 21 years it is not one bit easier and now seems even more difficult

[Arruniel]

sstuart and Keds, thank you for your understanding.

kakuehl and SchemennaLeigh, I think you misunderstood my post. I'm not so different as you might think. Nor am I exactly the same. As I said, in my previous post, and many times before, all birthmothers, whether in open, semi-open, or closed adoptions, have their own seperate problems. I am not discounting your pain, and I hope you are not discounting mine.

You make it sound as if it's a question of grief. There is no question of that. We're all hurting.

The original question was, "Birthparents, whether in a closed or open adoption; aren't we all the same????"

As I replied in my orginal post, we are, especially in that we are all hurting, but not in every way. I thought the question was open for a much more complex answer.

[hippiemom]

While we may have all given up a child to the care of someone else, I do find it hard to see how we are all the same. My mom gave up 2 boys in the 80's when all adoptions were closed. I only wanted open adoption. Mom doesn't talk about my brothers. I see Abby often. And like I have read from PP's, just because I am kept up to date on my DD doesn't mean that I don't grieve her loss. In some ways, open adoption can be more painful. You are faced daily with the fact that someone else is raising that part of you. In my case, I am generally happy about it. Only rarely now in the 3 yrs since do I cry. But again, Pam and Bruce and I have more than an open adoption. We've truly become family, and that makes it easier.