[marykath]

Hello, we adopted our oldest daughter at birth 4 years ago from a very loving birthmom. We exchange letters and photos and visit a few times a year with her and her older son. This has developed into a good relationship and we are very proud to call them part of our family.
Now, we have a fost/adopt child who is 2. TPR was done in June, and the official visits scheduled by the county have stopped. Birthmom is a nice woman but, I believe, is very controlled by the husband. He has had several stints in prison and is also a registered sex offender. My question: Birthmom has asked for visits once the adoption goes through (she is slowly coming to terms with it and has not yet filed an appeal). I want to my daughter-to-be to have the chance to know her birthmom (there is also one birth sibling still living with her), but I don't want a sex offender anywhere near our family. Should we say we will visit, but the husband is not to be included? We don't want to appear to be judging her (and her choice of partners), because we are just building a relationship with her. Maybe we should just say letters and pictures for now, and hopw their relationship ends? Birthmoms, what would you prefer? How would you react?

[pg13209]

If I were in your shoes I would explain my rationale to her. I would then say if the husband absolutely had to be involved I would go to a neutral location (as far away formyour house as possible) and then have someone there with you with your children. If she responds negatively this is her choice. Is it a open adoption? If she does respond negatively ot your request I would gently remind her that you do not have to let her see your child at all and that this is a courtesy to her.JMO.

[lahdh4]

Be up front and honest with her. Tell her that you wouldn't mind a relationship with her but that you are uncomfortable with bdad and tell her why you would be uncomfortable.

[AMom2Two]

I agree to be honest with her. Your feelings are valid! I would in no way, shape or form, take my child around him. That would be my requirement. I would not want my child to ever feel comfortable around him and the more the child is exposed to him, the more comfortable the child may feel.

Keep them apart and be honest. You've DONE NOTHING WRONG. Listen to your instinct. Your right in having major concerns about this. It's not about NOT TRUSTING the bmother, it's about protecting your child. That has to come first, before ANY THING ELSE.

Not to open another can of worms, but I would not even send photo's of child to the bmom. Is there another family member you can keep in contact with? I would not want the sex offender to even have a photo. To send even photo's, I think, COULD put your child at risk.

Her bad choices do not have to be yours. Your job is to protect the child. Don't feel bad about how you feel. Be honest.

[InBlindFaith]

Be honest with her and let her know how you feel.

If he is a registered sex offender then there should be laws in place to keep him away from the children. You can always request supervised visitation when the father is there.

You are doing the right thing protecting your family.

[manni28]

The answer is......250% NO! Ask your self if it was a family member of yours would you have them around your child? If the answer is no, then there's your answer. I'm wondering why is she (bmom) married to a sex offender in the first place?

As for pictures no, not at all-he would still be able to i.d. your daughter. Send her updates in the form of letters-at thats all! Remember, he's a sex offender and he's controlling too-not a good mix.Protect your child and your family!

[koalove]

i would see what exactly the sex offense is. a sex offender is someone who had sex when they were 18, with a 17 year old. i recently watched a show about it but cant remember the details...i know the point of it was that many "sex offenders" are not really bad people but the law is the law. if it turns out that he really is a bad guy, maybe you all have visits where the children arent alone with him? or not in your home, but in public? sounds like if the birthmom is controlled by the birthfather, if he gets upset she may be too scared to go against him, or he may hurt her. thats a tough one. good luck!

[cetalley]

Originally Posted by marykath

Hello, we adopted our oldest daughter at birth 4 years ago from a very loving birthmom. We exchange letters and photos and visit a few times a year with her and her older son. This has developed into a good relationship and we are very proud to call them part of our family.
Now, we have a fost/adopt child who is 2. TPR was done in June, and the official visits scheduled by the county have stopped. Birthmom is a nice woman but, I believe, is very controlled by the husband. He has had several stints in prison and is also a registered sex offender. My question: Birthmom has asked for visits once the adoption goes through (she is slowly coming to terms with it and has not yet filed an appeal). I want to my daughter-to-be to have the chance to know her birthmom (there is also one birth sibling still living with her), but I don't want a sex offender anywhere near our family. Should we say we will visit, but the husband is not to be included? We don't want to appear to be judging her (and her choice of partners), because we are just building a relationship with her. Maybe we should just say letters and pictures for now, and hopw their relationship ends? Birthmoms, what would you prefer? How would you react?

if indeed he has been found guilty by a jury of his peers...i would wonder why you are even pondering this ...i am a bmom...i wanted my twins to have a safe happy life..in a loving enviroment...the bmom surely feels this way...good luck

[belleinblue1978]

I wouldn't allow the partner to come with. Pictures and letters, well I can't see anything wrong with that. Do you even know if this guys offense was against a child? Not every sex offender offends against a child, so I wouldn't get too worked up about him "profiling" your daughter to be or whatever unless that is the case.

[belleinblue1978]

Originally Posted by pg13209

If I were in your shoes I would explain my rationale to her. I would then say if the husband absolutely had to be involved I would go to a neutral location (as far away formyour house as possible) and then have someone there with you with your children. If she responds negatively this is her choice. Is it a open adoption? If she does respond negatively ot your request I would gently remind her that you do not have to let her see your child at all and that this is a courtesy to her.JMO.

You know, you're right it is a courtesy, but I hate the whole be good and do what I say thing or you can't see your child. That is low in alot of ways, using a child to manipulate an adult being the lowest.

Someone may respond negatively to that at first and then given some time to think, may agree. I don't see why everything has to be so quick and judgemental. This shouldn't be about getting a firstmom out of anyone's life, this should be about building a good healthy relationship, which may take some time if this woman hasn't had the healthiest relationships to role model.

[thanksgivingmom]

Nicely said Belle

[karsonsmom]

If he is an actual OFFENDER (like the other post said, he could have been 18 and had a 16 year old girl friend years ago and be required to register) I would not only NOT let him near the child, I would not allow any pictures of my child to be delivered to a home where he might look at them, and I would very seriously consider the judgement of a woman who makes a life for herself with such a person. I am sorry if that sounds "judgemental", but I really think if we are talking about a rapist or pediphile, we need to judge to some degree to protect our children.

[Arruniel]

May be he is a child molester, may be he was 18 with a 16 year old girlfriend. However, he might also be a prowler rapist who likes to rape 21 year old women outside of night clubs. If that's so, he still needs to keep away from *anyone* you want to keep safe, young or old.

Secondly, if you are concerned about the company your child's bmother keeps, try having visits in a neutral, child-friendly place like the zoo or Chucky Cheese's.

If he is a child molester, then he would be violating parole to go any where near those places, nevermind join in the visit. Then, if he shows up, you can just call him parole officer and get him hauled off.

Be careful about what your child sees. If you make her feel like her birthfather is a wicked monster, she might come to feel like demon seed. So, please, try to strike a balance between protecting her, and making sure she doesn't feel bad about her genetic heritage. Children can be so sensitive.

[Rylee45]

Just my 2 cents worth here.

Why was the child removed from the home? Was this a voluntary thing for them to do or was the child put in foster care to protect it from the parents? If that's the case neither of them should see her no matter how nice they are.

If the man is a registered sex offender you should probably find out what he did and why he had to register and if it was a violent sex crime or child rape etc. He might have only gotten involved with a girl a few years younger than he was that happened to be under 18 when he wasn't. That happens.

I know that the courts can be really STUPID when it comes to ages of people getting together. If a 16 year old involves with a 18 or 19 year old. That shouldn't constitute being a "sex offender" or have to register as one. 16 year old hormones can sometimes be really out of control and the "older man" (a 18 or 19 year old) can be really apealing. Then the parents get involved and all hell breaks loose and the boy is the one blamed for the relationship as if the girl had no say so and no personal control in a "boyfriend girlfriend" situation.

That's what happened to my boyfriend who got me pregnant when I was 16. He was 19 and my dad had him prosecuted and he was labeled as a sex offender and has a statutory rape on his record for life.

I think that's wrong. If that's all the father of the child did that got him having to register as a sex offender he probably isn't dangerous to any child in that respect.

Before jumping to conclusions about him and what he'd do to your child, it would probably be a very good idea to have a background check done and find out exactly what he's done.

You can pay for that to be done and then maybe your fears can be put to rest or you can know that you NEED to keep your child away from him. Either way it would be a good idea to have that done for your own piece of mind.

But I do want to say one thing, please forgive me but the phrase someone said,

"If she does respond negatively ot your request I would gently remind her that you do not have to let her see your child at all and that this is a courtesy to her.JMO."

is one of the reasons I have such a thing against adoption open or not because that is the way that adoptive parents seem to feel that it's a "courtesy" and not something that was agreed upon when there is an open adoption.

It shouldn't be a "courtesy" in an open adoption. It should be what is expected to be done by the adoptive parents because an open should be and open adoption.

A girl giving her child to someone with the understanding it was open and she would have certain things given her and time with her child and all the other "agreements" prior to placing the child shouldn't ever be considered "courtesy" but "obligation" by the adoptive parents. That's why they were able to adopt that particular child in the first place if it was done as an open adoption. The adoptive parents should remember that. JMO

But anyway... I would seriously look into this man's background and get peace of mind one way or the other and then you'll know what to do about the visits.

Rylee

[proudmum]

Rylee i am an adoptive parent and i certainly dont think that it is a "courtesy" to our dds birthmother to see her,,,,, i feel that it is our dds right to get to know her birthfamily..... so please dont lump us all in together..... having to restrict the visits for the safety of the child should be in my opinion first and foremost in anyones mind!!!!!
If we have to restrict visits for our dds welbeing and safety then that is what we would have to do.... every situation is different as are we all,,,, so please be careful with these statements as not everyone thinks its a "courtesy" to honour a contact agreement.... (some of us struggle like hell to make it work even when like in our case we have been lied to numerous times with many false accusations)... we take our contact agreement very seriously and believe me when i say we have put up with more than we should of....
I dont think that all birthmothers are the same,,,please dont think that all adoptive parents are the same too.