[Rylee45]

Proudmum, I'm sorry you were offended. I didn't just say that, someone posted that statement about it being a "courtesy" to "let" them see the child.

That's a statement I've heard for years from numerous adoptive parents who believe that way.

I also have seen adoptive parents who run off and hide from the birth mother for no other reason than jealously because they didn't like how close the child was getting to her and didn't feel the "confusion" was right for "their" child. That is not a good enough reason to stop contact.

It's not harmful to the child to get close to their birth mother or birth family if they are being good to them and there's no abuse and no trying to interfere with your rules for the child. But it's used as a reason to stop contact all the time.

I also believe that the child's safety should come first and IS also the most important thing is the scheme of things, but it's always the adoptive parents who have the right to decide that and if they decide without any real evidence that their child is in danger.

When/if the adoptive parents chose not to let the birth mother see the child and accuse them of being harmful to the child there's not a whole lot she can do about it.

The birth mother has to either fight it in court which she may not have the financial means to do or just walk away and cry because she can't do anything.

You're right not all adoptive parents feel the same way. And not all birth mothers feel the same either. I wasn't trying to say all adoptive parents felt the same or did the same thing. I know better.

But it is one of the reasons that I am so against adoption because the adoptive parents have all the power and control and CAN if they choose to, hold it over that girl and stop her from seeing her child for any reason at all and can accuse her of things she may not be doing and the courts would beleive them. I've dealt with the courts in other situations and I know how they are.

Even in my own situation, my daughter who is over 30 years old is STILL being controlled by her adoptive mother and that woman has ALL the control over my daughter's and my relationship.

My daughter and I can't have an open relatiohship or open contact. We haven't had that right for a long time. My daughter has had to sneak to talk to me because of her adoptive mother's threats of taking her out of her will if she contacts me or talks to me at any time in the future. If she knew my daughter was still occationally emailing me or IM'ing me my daughter would lose everything.

When I post something here, I don't mean to insult anyone or say anything to cause problems. I don't want to start a war over anything I say. That's not my intention.

I just have my very strong opinions about adoption mostly based on my own situation and watching other people in my life and reading things other people talk about concerning adoption and how they feel about things. Sometimes I read things that really strike nerves with me. I think everyone does now and then don't they?

I'm sure a lot of times when something has struck a nerve with me it isn't intentionally said by the person TO strike a nerve with me or anyone else but just speaking their minds too. I hope you know what I mean.


Rylee

[josh1788smom]

Somewhere along the line this thread took the position that the bmoms husband is the bdad, which he might be; however, that was not how it was worded in the original post. I would talk to the bmother. If he is not the bdad, and is her current husband, why does he need to be present for the visits?

Even if the birthsibling is this husband's child, they would not allow him around a child if he had an offense against children. We used to have a neighbor with one son that had to register as a sex offender. He had committed a crime against a 14 year old girl, when he was 18. It was not rape (or any form of sex, but it was inappropriate for him to be doing anything with a 14 year old). He had a 13 year old brother, and he had to move in with his grandmother because he was no longer allowed to be in the home with the younger brother once he registered as an offender. I would talk to the bmom about it. Explain your concerns.

I also think a neutral location like Chuck E. Cheese is a great idea.

[proudmum]

rylee,
i was refering to your sentence that stated quote"adoptive parents seem to feel that its a courtesy" just wanted to point out that this was a generalisation that we dont all fit into and to please just be careful about those sorts of things...

anyway this thread was started in 2006 and its highly likely that the o.p does not even know that its active again,,,,, hopefully everything worked out the best for everyone concerned

[Rylee45]

Proudmum, Wow, I didn't realize it had been that long since the thread started. I wonder what happened in that situation.

I do tend to generalize sometimes. I really mean no offense and I'm hoping that people who get to know me in this group will know that I'm never meaning any offense to anyone and that a lot of times I'm just steaming off or maybe just saying something that I feel about certain subjects that hits a nerve with me.

I truely don't mean to offend anyone. I could have put the word, "some adoptive parents" instead of the way I put it.

I've had my face reaaranged once for saying the word, "If" instead of "because" when refering to the man I was going out with doing something for me.

I said, "IF you loved me you should understand..." instead of "Because you love you should understand..." and that got me beaten up for the wrong word being said.

I didn't mean it the way HE took it and no matter how much I tried to explain it didn't matter. If he'd known me better he would have known what I was saying and it wouldn't have caused so much trouble.

It's just something I have a problem with sometimes. My wording. Yes I do feel more adoptive parents feel anything they do for the first mother is a "courtesy" but I know not all do. I should have put that in there. But I'm hoping that people here will not get offended by something like that when I don't use the right words or put enough words in to make the complete thought or whatever is going on.

I like this group. I'm never wanting to offend. But I know it's going to happen anyway but truely it's not meant.

Rylee

[proudmum]

rylee,,, i understand ,,, i sometimes say things that come out the wrong way so i do understand..... sooo frustrating when you dont mean it that way... lol
,,,, hopefully you have healed now from that terrible man,,, i know that your spirit can be awfully crushed in situations like this ,,, hopefully yours has recovered....
best wishes
proudmum....

[Teenmom2007]

Hm...that is a predictament...I'm a birthmom and have been for 2 years. I placed my daughter with a couple I lived with in foster care. I was 17 when I placed and I have grown to have a great relationship with them, they say I'm their daughter to strangers! its great.
I think the fact the birthmom married someone like that, you can't really judge becuse now a days anyone could be called a sex offender, and you don't know the situation, but because you don't know, I understand why you have to be causcious. I understand you also want to keep the birthmom's connection and feelings in consideration also.
I think that if you decide to do visits, let the birth mother know your conern. That is one thing I can say about my adoptive couple...we have an open and honest realtionship. The adoptive mom has a blk and wht personality and tells me her concerns, fears, joys, everything. I think it helps our relationship.
Phrase your words carefully tho. Say something along the lines of what you desire her relationship to be with your daughter, what your concerns are, and how you should go about solving them so that she gets to establish a relationship, but you also know that your daughter is safe.
Hope this has been helpful.