[msdesi]

This one is for firstmom and adoptive parents alike and is regarding domestic adoptions. I was thinking today about when I placed my daughter in 1993. I guess it was what would be termed as "semi-open". You know, pictures and letters through agency. Any/all contact through agency. This was in a time before the internet ads were being used heavily, and I chose family by looking through a profile book. In each profile, the family indicated whether they wanted "closed", "open" or "semi open". Most families with that agency were saying semi-open back then. There were hundreds if not thousands of families in the book waiting. I did encounter perhaps 2 or 3 profiles that said "closed only". Honestly...I flipped right past them without a further look. If the majority of families had been saying "open" I would've certainly flipped past the "semi-open" too. As it was, families wanting a fully open adoption at that time with that agency were scarce. My reasoning was because I wanted as much contact as I could get and that was certainly going to be a factor in my choice.

So...adoptive parents, do you feel you can still opt for a closed domestic adoption without fear of not being chosen?

Firstmoms...are there any reasons why you might want or choose a closed adoption? If you didn't want closed, would you still choose a family that did if they met everything else you were looking for?

No judgement here...just curious. Kind of wondering if closed adoptions have went the way of the 8-track.

[Creatress]

I'm looking at families right now, and I won't choose a family that wants closed adoption, period. I don't even want semi-open, I'm sticking it out for open--I want to be able to see this child once a year or so and be a part of the family; I don't think that's too much to ask after nine or ten months of emotional and physical pain.

[lahdh4]

I know a few people out there who have choosen closed adoptions. That is what they wanted, they have their reasons, I don't know of those reasons but respect their decision.

[jaenelle]

Originally Posted by msdesi

So...adoptive parents, do you feel you can still opt for a closed domestic adoption without fear of not being chosen?

In a word, no. Of course, we are desiring semi-open and I still live in fear everyday that we won't be chosen, because I know a lot of families want fully open and that would probably be more desirable to Moms looking to place their babies than even semi-open.

I don't feel it's right to commit yourself to something you even might not be comfortable with, so even though we would almost certainly be okay with visits and more contact, we don't want to commit ourselves to that until we actually meet a Mom who wants to place with us, then hopefully all of us can decide together what is best for all of us.

I just don't want to mislead anyone, or give a Mom any reason to regret her decision to choose us. I can't really know what she is feeling, obviously, but I do have enough sense to know it's going to be one of, if not THE hardest decisions she ever makes, and I don't want to belittle the seriousness of that decision by trying to pass ourselves off as something we're not just to get a quicker placement.

[Mommy24]

Katie (((hugs)))) thank you, it is so important to be honest and upfront!! Good luck to you

[happygmom]

Originally Posted by Creatress

I'm looking at families right now, and I won't choose a family that wants closed adoption, period. I don't even want semi-open, I'm sticking it out for open--I want to be able to see this child once a year or so and be a part of the family; I don't think that's too much to ask after nine or ten months of emotional and physical pain.

I agree - stick with it. You will find a family who will be thrilled to work with you on behalf of your child. When my daughter was considering adoption for her son, she wanted frequent visits and had trouble finding a family who would agree to that. She later realized that the agency was not working on her behalf in representing what she wanted for her child. (in the end, she decided to parent.) Make sure that your requirements are being represented honestly by your agency and/or attorney.

Good luck,

Happy G'Ma

[Calebsmom]

I think there will always be people who want them, from both sides. It may not be a popular choice these days, but not everyone can handle the responsibilities and expectations of OA. I do think that aparents who want closed adoptions today will have a long wait domestically.

[gabesmom04]

i think when looking at parents and the open adoption option. and also wanting frequent contact you should also look into your heart and see if you really want to parent. sometimes when you are looking for the ideal situation or perfect adoptive parents ...they are just not going to ever be there , because you want to parent. its not that people that adopt do not want open situations, they just don't want to get into a co-parent situation.
Michelle

[BrandyHagz]

Lots of Contact does not equal Coparenting...that is a common misconception.

Open adoption can and does work well with lots of contact, without the fear or threat of coparenting.

Of course, maybe you're speaking about your own situation...I am speaking about my own...please don't invalidate my choice to place or my decision to have a fully open adoption with lots of contact in your blanket statements.

[gabesmom04]

brandy
i didn't realize i was invalidating your choice. (or validating it for that matter) yes i am speaking from my exp. yes, I do feel if a pbmom is having a hard time finding the perfect ideal situation with the perfect amount of contact/openess or whatever that yes, maybe she ought to look in to her heart of hearts and see if this is something that she wants to proceed with.

and yes as common as a misconception as it may be co-parenting it is still a fear. there are lots of them in adoption... i imagine thats how adoption.com was born. to support all of us who aren't perfect and sometimes feel a little inadequate. kudos to you.

so as far as 'general blankets' go. my exp is our adoption disrupted after having a little girl for a month. the pbmom kept wanting more and more contact, even weekend visitation. so, as she progressively wanted more and more visitation one has to think hmmm..maybe she wants to parent? so we left the baby with her/agency and told her if she went to court and terminated her rights we would come back. she was fine with that and gave her time she needed. but we could not do every other weekend. sorry. she never terminated her rights, of course.i still stay in touch with her today. i think everyone who wants to and can parent should. she was never my child, she was always hers.
all i am saying is to wonder why you want so much openess (which can be a good thing) and if you are not finding the perfect parents and situation maybe you should do a little soul searching.

ps
ofcourse no pbmom should ever feel like she is settling if adoption is what she wants . she will find the perfect family for them all.

[thanksgivingmom]

and there are women who of course WOULD love to parent, but don't have the means, the support, etc. so it stands to reason that they would want to find someone that COULD give a child all they need. and just because they want this does not mean they want to co-parent.

I have neices and nephews I babysat every weekend for years, and never once did what I was doing feel like co-parenting. I think there are many people involved in a childs life that are around more than bparents that engage in a childs life...and I think that often, if bparents saw the child the same amount of time and engaged in the same activities, it would be seen as us trying to coparent.

[gabesmom04]

i do beleive it takes a village to raise a child. no matter what the terminology. no mater how the family is put together. there is no right or wrong way. it is what is healthy for you and your child. all i know is that i would not know what to do without our birthmother. i am a Nurse and every time i watch a woman have a baby. i think about Gabes mom. there is not a day that goes by that i don't think about what she went through to bring him into this world. then to turn around and place him in another woman's arms to trust that he would be loved and nurtured to his fullest potential. she is a saint. and as i look in to my beautifuls sons face, i see all the love that has passed from her to us. it is a beautiful thing. on this mothers day i will be thinking of her and the great gift she has so unselfishly shared .

[Patty-cake]

My daughter was placed when all adoptions were closed. When I first heard of open adoptions I thought it would be harder- I would not have been able to stay away knowing where she was. I also thought it would be too dificult to watch someone else raise my child.

I have rethought my position since becoming a member here. I think knowing my child was with people that the I chose and had confidence in would probably over-ride that urge to be there all the time. Knowing for a fact that was loved would make everything easier. D.D. would have known me or at least something about me. She wouldn't have to wonder. There wouldn't have had to be reunion. Her mom would know me and not feel threatened.


I have noticed that most a.parents in open adoption seem to care about and appreciate the b.moms. I have also noticed that in closed adoptions alot of the a.moms go to pieces when b.mom's exhistance is aknowledged. We all fear the unknown.


If I was given the choice I'd go with open. Actually if given any reasonable alturnative I wouldn't have gone with adoption at all. Thanks be to God it worked out well for my daughter and I survived.


gabesmom- I think you did the right thing for yourself and for that b.mom. I know it must have been a very hard decision for you to make.-Patty

[longingtomeetyou]

i think closed adoption for the most part has gone to the way side.....

there will always be the odd one .....but the majority are doing the right thing and that imo is open adoption......

seeing as i have experienced a closed adoption .....i have to admit i will never recommend it to anyone....wayyyyyyyyyyy to much pain in not knowing anything........just my 2 cents....

[RainStorm]

I know a couple who recently adopted and it was closed. It’s just what they wanted and felt comfortable with, the bmother also wanted closed so obviously that’s why it worked out for all. There are lot more OA now a days but there are still CA as well. If I ever adopted and I hope to one day it will defiantly be closed.