[taramayrn]

See I don't understand the arguement of how hard it would be to have the birthparents as a "constant" in the life of your child. What about other people such as friends and family members? They are allowed to be constant in your childs life, but it's so troublesome to think of the birthparents being there as well. Not trying to argue that open adoption is the best because it's not for ever family.

[JohnathanJ]

I can definitely see how some people would prefer closed adoptions. It can be painful and/or intrusive to have other adults that heavily involved in your life. I think that the kids are actually the ones who worry about it the least, since they have the benefit of not knowing that having an extra mom and dad is weird. Heck, i wish id had a spare set of parents growing up i would've made out like a bandit on birthdays and at christmas.

[BrandyHagz]

It can be painful and/or intrusive to have other adults that heavily involved in your life.

Gah - how come this always comes up when the 'adults' are birth parents...

...why don't we see these kinds of conversations about grand parents, cousins, aunts, uncles and friends?

*sigh*

[Suziebearhugs]

...because there is an intimate and special connection the birthmother has with the child she places.

It's like no other relationship between other family members and the child.

For some it's hard to see another Mother figure in the picture, when you are parenting the child. Yes, it's very different than co-parenting. But some of the feelings can be the same.

I know it's hard for my daughters birthmom to hear my daughter call me mom. Even though she choose adoption. It's still hard soemtimes. Just as it's hard for me to see the strong physical connection she shares with her birthmom that I don't and will never have with her because she isn't my bio-child.

I think it's a real concern fro some parents considering open or semi open adoption. Trying to decide how much contact they will actually be comfortable with and sometimes you have no idea until your actually in the situation, living it.

No your not co-parenting but yes, the child has a relationship and connection with the birthparent than is different than any other family relationship.

One very close to your own connection as an adoptive parent. You are both MOTHERS to the child wether the other mother is parenting or not and that can be intimidating for some or hard to process, when it's actually in yoru face.

[lisa138]

Originally Posted by lahdh4

I know a few people out there who have choosen closed adoptions. That is what they wanted, they have their reasons, I don't know of those reasons but respect their decision.

THE REASON I THINK MY B PARENTS (IF THAT'S WHAT YOU CALL THEM) CHOOSE CLOSED IS THEY WERE DRINKERS AND SHE B MOM WORKED IN A TAVEN IN OKLAHOMA CITY OKLA, SO MUCH MY DAD TOOK CARE OF ME. I HAVE NO RIGHTS AS A ADULT ADOPTEE BUT THEY HAVE THE RIGHT TO STAY HIDDEN.
I HAVE TWO WONDERFUL CHILDREN BOY(20) GIRL (14) AND I HAVE A HALF B- HALF BROTHER THAT OKLA DHS WON'T LET ME MEET BECUZ HE IS SPECIAL NEEDS.
SO FOR CLOSED ADOPTION IN THE 60'S IT SUCKED.
LISA138

[lisa138]

Originally Posted by Suziebearhugs

...because there is an intimate and special connection the birthmother has with the child she places.

It's like no other relationship between other family members and the child.

For some it's hard to see another Mother figure in the picture, when you are parenting the child. Yes, it's very different than co-parenting. But some of the feelings can be the same.

I know it's hard for my daughters birthmom to hear my daughter call me mom. Even though she choose adoption. It's still hard soemtimes. Just as it's hard for me to see the strong physical connection she shares with her birthmom that I don't and will never have with her because she isn't my bio-child.

I think it's a real concern fro some parents considering open or semi open adoption. Trying to decide how much contact they will actually be comfortable with and sometimes you have no idea until your actually in the situation, living it.

No your not co-parenting but yes, the child has a relationship and connection with the birthparent than is different than any other family relationship.

One very close to your own connection as an adoptive parent. You are both MOTHERS to the child wether the other mother is parenting or not and that can be intimidating for some or hard to process, when it's actually in yoru face.

I HAD A GREAT BOND WITH MY A-MOM CAUSE SHE WAS LIKE THE BEST FRIEND,I EVER HAD.

[melissa_bear003]

My husband and I plan to adopt via CPS. Because of the nature of the situation, and potential safety issues, it would likely be a closed adoption.

I know in some cases that there is sib contact, or extended family contact, but its something we'd really have to consider on an individual basis. We're not saying that we'd want an open adoption off the hop, but would be willing to consider some degree of openness, depending on the situation, and what 'openness' would entail.

[Asha0314]

My daughter was born last year and her birthmother choose a closed adoption.

[EZ2Luv]

I am an adoptee form the closed era and am very glad the adoption was closed. I know myself enough to know that I would have neen confused and struggled to who I should be loyal to. Trust me, though open adoption seems ideal for the adults, young adoptees are the ones caught in the middle.
I know times have changed and there is an importance of having the children know about their bfamily, but I think it should belimited to adult interaction until the child is old enough or shows signs of wanting to know.
I am speaking soley of my own experience here. If there is one thing I have learned about adoption is there is no "one size fits all"

Also, children a pretty preceptive in that they can pick up on how adults feel. Imagine for a minute a young child being caught in the middle of how both sets of parents feel? They are going to feel as though they are responsible for perhaps bmom being sad(just an example). That is a huge responsibility to place on a child.
Do I think all adoptions should be close? No. I think semi open would be ideal where the aparents let the bparents know the child is well through pictures and semi annual updates. I think that the information should be there for the child if and when they choose to want it, but this is about the child so it should be entirely their decision.
Adoptees are innocent victims of decisons made by the adults that are supposed to care for them .
Ido not think it is fair for PAPs to misrepresent themselves and agree to OA only to close it up when the ink dries once the final papers are signed,but I think that the whole OA vs CA vs semi OA, should be played by ear and contingent on how things play out rather than have an agreement etched in stone so to speak.

EZ

[monkeemiranda]

My hubby and I are awaiting a firstmom/birthmom to pick us. We totally want open adoption! My own mom nearly aborted me becasue my biological father abandoned her when she pregnant. God spoke to her heart and she didn't go through with it. My biological father was never a part of my life and I really feel like I missed something there....I always had questions and wondered things like...do I look like him? Does he think about me??? Anyway, the reason I am for open is...the more people a kiddo has around to love them...the better!

[thelowlanders]

What about adoption after being fostered? If our FD comes available, they're probably going to insist on her continuing contact with her cousins. Is this healthy or should they just let her move on for now and maybe contact them when she's older and ready?
Or our FS. He has 2 half sisters. Do they usually make this mandatory to keep contact with them and Gmas and aunts and uncles?

I was adopted when almost 3 yrs old. They wanted semi-open. My Dad said no way. He didn't want their influence while I was growing up. I used to hate that decision he made. But when I finally met her and my half sisters, I realized how influencial they could have been. Complete opposite of the way I was raised. An adult now, I can handle bits of contact now. And my sis is just yearning for someone to help her out of her lifestyle. So, after baby is born, we'll probably be making arrangements.

I know this is not at all everyone's experience. Just sharing mine. And why it's a bit hard to want openness sometimes. But I remember that Very strong yearning as a young child to just see a picture, or know something about my birth mom. Turns out, we look like twins. Seriously. She's just 13 years older.

[JenH]

...and I always wonder if she regrets it.

We have no legal means of contacting her, due to the laws of the state where our DD's adoption was finalized.

Her FM had really good reasons for closing the adoption, there was some bad stuff going on around her that she was trying to protect DD from.

BUt I still really worry that she regrets that choice.

[cksmom]

I'm an adoptee from the closed era. I can understand why aparents and bparents were prefer a closed adoption for many reasons or circumstances. However, the way closed adoptions were handled from that time, was completely wrong. The bmother was told to forget, move on and tell no one. The adoptive family was given practically zero information or details. WRONG for everyone involved. The bmother is not able to heal and grieve at all, the adoptee knows nothing about her medical history, genetics and heritage and the adoptive parents have a child that they love but have no information to give that child. What if there was a medical crisis?

it sounds like closed adoptions now are much healthier and not as closed as pre Roe v. Wade years. There is more info and prictures provided. Gifts can be sent and it seems like the adoptee would have a much easier time connecting with bfamily later on. I can see why there are still closed adoptions and I would be okay with it.

[xemtrockstarx]

I think "blasting" closed adoptions is rediculous. I was adopted in 88 so I have no clue if all adoptions/most adoptions were closed at that time but mine was completely closed. I can't say if that was better because I just don't know what an open adoption would be like since I have never expirienced it. I think it would have confused me a little even though I was a bright kid and probably scared me (I'm a worry wort, always have been and would have probably thought I may get taken from my adoptive mom even if they had explained itto me).

Both my parents have always supported the decision to find my birth mother if I so chose to. My mother has never spoke poorly of my birth mother and has even offered to meet her with me if I choose to accept my birth mother's contact. I think when adoptive parents adopt, they KNOW that there is a possibility of contact between the birth parents and their child.

I'm not judging anyone's decision to have an open adoption but claiming it is the "right thing" is completely an opinion that may or may not be correct.