[Arruniel]

I'm a bmom. I wanted a closed adoption, but I was persuaded to consider semi-open. I did get a broader choice of couples. Then the agency and the couple talked me into allowing an open adoption. I either had to pick a new couple or deal with it. I love my child. I like seeing her. I wish I could say they did me a favor, but all I can say is, I love my daughter. I want the best for her, so now I'm stuck in an open adoption.

P. S. After I gave birth to her, I didn't want to give her up without the chance of seeing her again. I felt so conflicted. I also felt guilty for not wanting to see here again, so at least OA took me of the hook there.

[DotHeff]

We were shocked when we learned that our daughter was born. She came home 2 days later from the hospital. Her birth family chose closed adoption and we have no identifying information about them. Honestly, we were open to a semi-open adoption at time and were surprised that they chose closed. I'm kind of bummed out about it, as we have NOTHING to share with our now 4 year old daughter regarding her family of origin.

Our son was born 8/06 and his birthmother chose closed adoption as well. In fairness, she picked our profile and in our profile we identified that we were willing to discuss openness, but she only asked for updates at birthdays and christmas...she sends him beautiful gifts, but no photo as of yet.

So in short, yeah, birthmothers DO choose closed agency placement adoptions. They have their reasons, and we as the adoption community need to respect those reasons in the same way as open placement birthmoms deserve respect for their decision.

[MamaS]

Adopting parents who want a closed adoption have the option of adopting internationally.
Also, judging by what I have read on these forums, there must be MANY adoptive parents who agreed to "open" adoption and then closed the adoption once the final papers were signed.

[Mommy24]

Originally Posted by MamaS

Also, judging by what I have read on these forums, there must be MANY adoptive parents who agreed to "open" adoption and then closed the adoption once the final papers were signed.

But we surely wouldn't advocate for this. I am a First Mom from a "semi-open" adoption, promises made and broken after 7 years of contact.

There are closed adoptions today, I suppose there always will be. I just hope that before First parents and Adoptive Parents go into any agreement they realize the importance of keeping their word.

[blessedbybug]

Originally Posted by Mommy24

I just hope that before First parents and Adoptive Parents go into any agreement they realize the importance of keeping their word.

I agree with this.

[antifloyd]

I didn't have an option. I think I would have liked semi-open, but I think I would have had even more truble letting go with a fully-open adoption.
My nephew's aparents would actually welcome more contact from my sister than they get ... she just can't deal all the time. She intentionally chose parents from another state.

[face2faceintime]

My son was adopted way back in '86. It was private, and like you, I chose the parents. I saw no pictures however, only heard descriptions of about 5 families that this particular attorney was connected to. I don't remember if they were all "closed" or not. I chose based on what I wanted for my son. As it turned out, this family wanted "closed," and I was at peace with moving forward.

[carolynppk]

I am taking the advice of one of the moderators here, and I am stepping outside of my box, so to speak, and posting in a different forum than I am used to. I hope I do not step on any toes, that is definately NOT my intent.

First and foremost, let me say this is for MY own personal experience. I have not ever experienced anything else, so I cannot pretend to know what the other side is like, so please know when reading this, I am ONLY speaking for MYSELF and of MY situation. Again, I do not mean to offend.

I am an adoptee. I was adopted when I was several days old back in 1965, so yep, I had a closed adoption. I have reunited with my bmother and have a pretty good relationship with her. Adoption was a positive experience for me and I love my parents with all my heart. While I had a closed adoption, my amom always instilled in me that my bmom loved me very much, from that I have always grown up loving her.

For myself, my amom and my bmom (we have talked about this) We are all glad to have had a closed adoption for us. Does this mean open adoptions are wrong? No, I am just saying for me, I grew up with one family. I didn't give tons of thought to my biological family. For myself and myself only, I do think it would be hard and somewhat confusing. Does it mean all kids feel that way, no. I am just saying how I felt. Kind of like divorce. My parents were not divorced and I could not imagine going back and forth between two homes, but many do and do so wonderfully, maybe even better than if the parents stayed together.

WHat I do wish though about closed adoptions is that there has to be some "bank" of information so to speak so that you can get medical information and you can do all of it without telling who you are if you still do not want contact. But if you do then you don't have to do all this searching. I know that there are the registries, but I think this should be more mandatory. If you are choosing closed adoption, you must agree to provide information like every year. (For example health)

That is just my own opinion. I think what is most important is finding a match between both sets of parents. There are some where both want closed, others where both want open. And whatever they decide together is all that is important.

Again, I hope I didn't offend. I was just saying how I felt growing up in a closed adoption. Thanks for letting me come into a new forum.

Carolyn

[keds]

Hi Carolyn, welcome! I am a bmom from a closed adoption so, I too, only know from my experience and I'm not sure I would have been able to "handle" an open adoption. I think it would be great but, at the same time, I'm not emotionally strong enough (or at least I say that from my perspective). I agree, a bank of information, yearly or at whatever interval would have been fantastic rather than years of worrying and torment.

My bson has said he had a great life and, from what he's told me, his parents seem like great people so I am thankful for that as I think that had a lot to do with him searching me out. I "found" him, or at least narrowed it down to 3 people a long time ago but felt that it was inappropriate for me to make contact. Thankfully, nobody in my family has any "health" issues so there wouldn't be much to share in that respect.

I suppose the only problem would be how to "manage" the information. For me, I placed through a social agency and just getting a phone number for their office was a chore at times. Great idea and I do hope more people contemplating closed adoptions think about it. I do know that at my youngest daughter's school there have been a number of young ladies who have decided to parent rather than adopt, etc. I'm wondering if the "closed" aspect of adoption was part of the reason or simply society's position of being more accepting of young mothers.

[lisa138]

i am adopted in okc,i was closed and i think when you think the child is old enough you could tell them and let them make the decesion to search...i wish my bmom and bdad would look for me,i'm 39 and have been looking since i was 15

[lisa138]

Originally Posted by DotHeff

We were shocked when we learned that our daughter was born. She came home 2 days later from the hospital. Her birth family chose closed adoption and we have no identifying information about them. Honestly, we were open to a semi-open adoption at time and were surprised that they chose closed. I'm kind of bummed out about it, as we have NOTHING to share with our now 4 year old daughter regarding her family of origin.

Our son was born 8/06 and his birthmother chose closed adoption as well. In fairness, she picked our profile and in our profile we identified that we were willing to discuss openness, but she only asked for updates at birthdays and christmas...she sends him beautiful gifts, but no photo as of yet.

So in short, yeah, birthmothers DO choose closed agency placement adoptions. They have their reasons, and we as the adoption community need to respect those reasons in the same way as open placement birthmoms deserve respect for their decision.

ok I WILL BUT WHERE WAS MY RIGHTS WHEN SHE WAS AT THE BAR DRINKING AND MY DAD WAS SICK AT HOME TAKING CARE OF ME?
IF I COULD MEET HER I WOULD JUST ASK HER IF SHE CHANGED HER LIFE AND HOW SHE WAS DOING,
MY ASOPTIVE MOM(MY ONLY MOTHER) DIED OF CANCER IN 2005,SO WHERE WAS MY RIGHTSA THEN TO KEEP MY MOM ALIVE,MY BMOTHER IS STILL PROBABLY HEALTHY SOMEWHERE AND HAS MORE KIDS

[JohnathanJ]

When my ex and i were putting our son up for adoption, i freaked out bigtime until i found out that open adoptions existed and were very common. After that i insisted on an open adoption, and im glad i did, because my little boy is awesome beyond words and im incredibly happy to be able to see him and know him. It helps that the adoptive parents are both wonderful people whom i persnally chose afetr screening out a LOT of really good couples (yes i was harsh and unforgiving; i was choosing the people who would be the sole guardians of my only child and they had to meet my extremely high standards), and both i and my ex became friends with them during and after the pregnancy; we get together once or twice a month, email and call several times a week, and sometimes visit with eachother just because we enjoy eachothers' company, with no baby present in the equation.

Reading some of the posts here have really made me feel fortunate with my adoption experience; so far open adoption has been overwhelmingly positive for me, though i will admit that i often feel guilty for not raising my son to the point that i have nightmares about it. But overall, its been good.

-Johnathan

[face2faceintime]

I chose closed, because the family I picked did meet all the criteria I felt was important. I know things are different now than they were 20 some years ago. However, I wonder if sometimes it's not better, at least in the develpomental years, for kids to experience one set of parents....then, later, when they can understand the dynamics of adoption, introduce them to the concept of "frist"/"birth" parents. That's my take on it anyway. My son is now 22 and I'm happy to say we have a great relationship, as do I with his parents...and it all started this year. I feel sorry for adoptive parents who feel like they have to compromise the parent child relationship with additional parents, just so they can adopt. I think like most parents, they want that intimate relationship...not shared.

[taramayrn]

Open adoption does not equal coparenting.

[face2faceintime]

Originally Posted by taramayrn

Open adoption does not equal coparenting.

I certainly agree with you. I guess I was unintentionally speaking from what I believe would be my own fear. I am a birthmom and a mother of 3. I just have a hard time believing I would be ok if I adopted a child and the bparents were some kind of constant in our relationship. Maybe I'm selling myself short. Maybe, if I were in those shoes, I would have more confidence and peace than I imagine. I certainly read posts on here of successful situations and I am sooo happy for them!
I will say this...when my son was 9 months and again when he was 15 years, (don't ask me how I found out where he was, but suffice it to say, it was an accident) I was able to know he was alive and well and happy...and that was HUGE. No pictures, no contact...and they never knew that I found them, but it sure felt like a gift...knowing.