[ItsMrsT]

Hey everyone,

I’m an amom in an open adoption. Our bmom decided that she couldn’t parent after the first 4 months with “S” and found us through friends.

Long story short…I feel like since finalization (Jan.) she has backed off. I call every couple of weeks and then we went to visit 2 weeks ago. Bmom seemed very excited when we visited her (several hour drive away.) Bmom hadn’t seen “S” since Labor Day week, although we have talked on the phone many times. We had a wonderful time, and I thought the visit went great. I asked her her feelings several times and she said she was very content and happy. It was so good that I thought she would call more or feel more comfortable with us, but she hasn’t called since we came home.

She says she wants to have an open adoption and be apart of our lives. I just don’t want to be the one always calling or writing. I have asked her several times to set up a new email account (old was deleted), but she hasn’t done it. I’ve suggested that she write a letter to “S” for keepsake or explain her feelings. She hasn’t. She says how much she misses, loves, etc when we talk, but I don’t see any action from that… just words.

My question for birthmoms (or others):
Should I let her set the pace?
How do I let her know that I care about her being in our daughter’s life?
Is it best to give her space until she calls me?

I haven’t heard from her and I’m worried (her unstable living situation) but I don’t want to crowd her. What is your advice?

Note: PLEASE give me the benefit of the doubt…I’m new…. please forgive me for wrong terminology… or attitude… I’m trying to learn but I’m not there yet… this is all new to me… Thanks.

[mamacrina]

My question for birthmoms (or others):
Should I let her set the pace?
How do I let her know that I care about her being in our daughter’s life?
Is it best to give her space until she calls me?

I am sorry that I don't have any advice for you...I ask myself these same questions frequently. I'm in an open adoption, too.

I don't want to be in her face, but I do want regular contact, and I don't always want to have to initiate it. If I let her set the pace, will she think we don't care about her or don't want her in our lives? If she sets that pace, what can we expect?

I look forward to other poster's replies.

[LisaCA]

there are many things she could be feeling. she may be unsure of her role-who knows what a birthmom is supposed to do? It's not really written down for folks. She may also be cautious of appearing too demanding or clingy, and may not want to scare you off. She may also want her distance-hard to tell.

you know those friendships that you have where you do most of the contact stuff? this may just be one of them. If she's not telling you she doesn't want to speak to you, then I'd say go ahead and keep making the effort.

good luck,

Lisa

[krielly]

No experience in this area, but just a thought.........

Maybe having frequent contact is just too painful for her right now, and keeping her distance is easier on her?

I think it's so wonderful that you want to keep the communication open........Maybe this is just a wait and see issue for now..........see how things unfold down the road.

Wish I had more help to offer.

Karen

[SchmennaLeigh]

I'm in a VERY open adoption with my child's family. I still, after over two years, have not written a letter for Munchkin to have as that keepsake. I try. Really. I do. D (amom) perhaps hasn't seen the fifty or sixty drafts I have made, ripped up and discarded. Perhaps she's trying. Perhaps it's hard.

If she spent four months with S, it's possible she's having a very hard time dealing with things. She KNOWS what she "gave up." (Not referring to giving up the child but referring to giving up those precious moments that parents get to have with their parented children.) She knows that you are having those. She got to see them on your last visit.

Perhaps you can drop her a compassionate letter, letting her know that you are figuring, by her lack of contact, that she is having a hard time dealing with things and that if she ever, ever wants to discuss things, take a break or just otherwise change something (more pictures, less pictures, etc) that you are willing to discuss whatever those things are with her. (Note, not willing to immediately meet her demands but willing to discuss them. I'm not insinuating that adoptive parents should be at birthparents beck and call. Not at all.)

It's hard at times for birthparents to talk about their fears or discontent, especially when a situation is open and otherwise good. I, personally, didn't want D to feel as though I was discrediting her as a parent by stating the things that I regreted. She understands. Hopefully you will as well if that is where S's birthmom is at this point in time.

Best of luck!

[HBV]

My outlook is that the open adoption is for the child. Your child is too small to initiate that contact for herself, so you must do it for her. You cannot be responsible for what bmom does or doesn't do, only for what you do.

If you want to keep the relationship open for your daughter, then you have to go ahead and keep up the contact, even if it feels like you're dropping things into a black hole right now. Relationships change, people change, just let her know what's going on in your daughter's life and hope she gets to a place where she can reciprocate.

[kelceesmom]

We too entered into our adoption as open. We always let the bparents know that we would follow their lead. Unfortunately for us the last time we saw them was when they signed TPR papers. I feel bad at times because I want to let them know how wonderful our daughter is doing but I also know that it was an extremely hard decision for them to make. So, we pray that someday they will call so they can ask how she is doing and what she is like. My husband is adopted and his fear is she will go until her adult life and not know anything about her bparents except for what we can pass on to her. I guess in my long post I would take her lead.

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

Our bio-mom insisted on open adoption...which we gladly agreed with. After she had our signatures, she dissappeared. That was a year ago when he was only 3 months old. Now she is back...adoption is final, and she wants SO much more than is in the agreement. We have 2 visits and every other month up-dates. She now wants photos, more regular visits, weekly e-mails, visits for her mother, and phone calls. This and she STILL has not seen him except for photos in over a year!

Although I support an open adoption, I think it is unfair for a bio parent to step away SO drastically then pop in with such demands. Especially since she did so with no word...just gone. The reality is, he would probably have major stranger danger if he saw her. I also am afraid that if he does act this way (given his personality, it is a certainty) she will again drop off the face of the earth.

Although I can be compassionate about her needing her space and the need she must have had to heal, I am going to have to swallow big and hard when she sees him again. I also don't know how to approach her about her absence. No advice really...just letting you know that you are not alone.

[bromanchik]

Originally Posted by Bug&Bearsmommy

OAlthough I can be compassionate about her needing her space and the need she must have had to heal, I am going to have to swallow big and hard when she sees him again. I also don't know how to approach her about her absence. No advice really...just letting you know that you are not alone.

But you have to. I would first prepare her for wht might/will happen at the visit. I would then talk about the need for consistancy and that contact is really a committment to the child. Broach it as "Our son needs you to be there when you say you are going to be. This is about his need to know that you love and care for him." Tell her you want to start with the original agreement and then go from there.

[tobeafamily]

4 years into a fully open adoption I'd say we do about 80% of the initiating, bfamily does about 20%. Sometimes I wish it would be more 50/50. The fact is our lives are a little more stable than theirs, so we do more of the outreach.

They're always glad to have it, and they do reciprocate at times. For us, this is the way it is.

HTH

Regina

[lahdh4]

I am on the other side in the fact that I am a bmom and I have to the calling to set up visits. I am also the one who will call up and ask for photographs. I have no words for you but that she may just need the time to "recover", she had the child for 4 months and she has to come to terms with that and what is in store.