[notadumbld]

I'm a birth grandmother. My daughter had a son last March, and she gave him a family. They are great people, and want contact with my daughter and the BF.

We went to visit after Christmas and I was able to spend 2 days with him. It was nice to see him, and it broke my heart to leave. However, there are a couple of thing I want to pass on to birthparents that I noticed my daughter having trouble with.

While there, my daughter didn't like some of the ways they dealt with the toddler. They are more permissive than my daughter would like, and she didn't think they were feeding him right - he's in a stage where he only wants yogurt! Anyhow, my daughter and I had a long talk about parenting differences, nutrition, etc, and how her opinions would not always match the AP. This was a little difficult for my daughter to swallow - at 20 she still knows everything!

So for bp and ap, please be aware that how the child is parented isn't a democracy; it will be up to the ap to raise the child in the best way they think is right. Enjoy the contact you have with the child but you have to remember that you're the mother or father, not the parent, and there is a difference.

Also, don't make this a big deal - I'm sure I don't raise my kids the way my mother thinks I should, and I definitely have a different parenting style than my sister. It's just that your connection is more emotional. Don't let your differences interfere with enjoyiing the child if you're able to visit.

[leaabc123]

It is great that you are able to remain objective when talking to your daughter! It sounds like the little guy will have a great foundation to grow up on!

[VKH]

I think this is something I'll have to remind myself of in the future!! Thanks for the great advice

Vanda

[tobeafamily]

It is good advice, and I'm glad your daughter has you in her life to help her grow.

BTW A good friend of mine told me once that we don't parent the way our parents parented us, we parent the way our grandparents parented our parents. His rationale: Our parents set out to do 'everything different - better' than their parents when they parented us. We, reacting to that, decide to do 'everything different-better' than our parents. In other words, what our grandparents would do.

Interesting philosophy.

Regina

[Ragnarok]

Very good advice. My son's parents are less permissive than I would probably be. Their 12 year old is not allowed a piercing, and given how many piercings I have, I am not really in a position to say no. He actually pointed out my piercings to his parents while we were there, it was amusing to see them handle that one.

[SchmennaLeigh]

I stopped knowing everything long before twenty. Round about eighteen when I hit college and realized I was a small fish in a big pond instead of the other way around. Those were the days.

[Angelove81]

You gave really good advice,Being one to not be able to have kids and watching the way my friends raise thier kids,i catch myself telling my friends to chill down and realize what they have in front of them.My one friends asked me for a ride to the store..SHe was YELLING and SCREAMING at her son because she was not happy with her boyfriend.I told her thats the boyfriend not her son and if shes gunna remaining yelling like that she can get out and start walking and I would drop her son at her parents house.I dont agree with a parent yelling and cussing at a child the way she did..I told her listen I cant have children and to have one I would do anything for that child,I said tonight sit their watch your child play and eat and spend time with you..Then close your eyes and feel how it would feel if something happen to him and you lost him in an accident,during his sleepect ect ect..Or if you have never had him and you wanted a child and you NEVER could have one..Just feel the feeling! NOw a yr later she told me on the phone she said BETH You have what you wanted a wonderful husband and marriage and your own place she said i thought about me and eric(her new boyfriend) if i never had my son and my and eric couldnt have a kid together i would feel the feelings you do and i am sorry I yelled at my son the way i did in your car..I said no need to tell me sorry its your son that needs to hear it...
but anyways I catch myself from saying anything to people about raising their children unless i feel they are in an unsafe enviorment...

[Hippie]

I totally agree--aparents won't always agree with your parenting style. My kids' aparents are way more laid back about things than I am. Things that are unimportant in the grand scheme of it--like keeping dirt off their faces and tracking mud in the house.

I think they are so happy to have a set of twins (their first children) that they don't care what messes are made!

[lilifelover]

My daughter's parents definately don't fit in with the way I'd want to raise her. I chose them because she'd be carefully raised with the same values that I have, but similiarities end there!

They portion her meals and she's only tasted sugar (to my knowledge) at her first birthday! There are pros and cons to both.

When she was only 3 months old or so they started disciplining her with a pat on the hand when she'd spit her food or something like that. She learned quickly.

I duno...there are a million little things that I'd do completely differently, but I'd never mention them to my daughter's parents...guess the agency counseling trained me well. My mother, however, isn't afraid to go against the grain a little bit...but that's another story (and it irks me to no end).

The more and more I force myself to accept what my daughter's family is and where she is the less and less I feel like I ever had a connection with her at all...but I'll continue to go see her as long as they'll let me. I owe her that much, and I love her that much more! While babysitting last month I left the room to go grab something from her room and left her under the watchful eyes of my fiance-there to help me during a physically weak time I was having-and she ran down the hallway screaming "Mama-Mama!" after me. Don't tell the AP's...I think she says that to all adult females...but it still felt good.
And I'll still continue to respect their parenting style.
And I'll still be a slight doormat in the adoption as far as the APs go while we keep trying to cultivate a relationship.

Years later as I grow up and watch her grow up too...it breaks and overjoys my heart at the same time...