[enerad]

Today, I just received our bill for our 800 number. We had done some newspaper advertising, and I was amazed at the number of phone calls. I realized we had some calls, and they hung up just as we answered. I am sure making the call is a very difficult thing to do.

Anyway... my question to expectant mother/and birthmothers is about beginning the conversation. When calling is the support needed towards you and your pregnancy rather than finding out about as adoptive parents?

I had two calls... and unfortunately they were being forward to my cell phone and the signal was dropped.

The expectant moms never called back... I am worried that I spent too much time talking about us. (both calls less than 5 minutes) If I had to do over... I would spend more time listening, and asking questions about getting to know them better.

With the awkardness of the situation... I don't want to sound like I am interviewing them, but I want to find a way to begin a possible journey toether towards the future.

Any suggestions or thoughts?

[Sharon]

I guess it really varies from individual to individual. Some prospective birthmoms may be older, more mature, more sure of themselves. They may already have decided, definitely, that adoption is what they want for their child. Other prospective birthmoms are just babies themselves really, and frightened, unsure, confused and intimidated by the whole process.
My suggestion is that you play it by ear. If the caller seems to want or need to talk about herself, her options, or her situation, I think you should let her (within reason, of course). She may need a shoulder to cry on and an understanding ear. After she's said what she needs to say, then you can work the conversation around to adoption, and yourself as a potential aparent. Some birthmoms don't have any idea what they want to ask... if a caller seems stuck or reluctant to ask questions, you should just tell her what YOU think is important about yourself and your family. If, on the other hand, the caller seems pretty sure of herself, maybe you should just invite her to ask her own questions.
It's hard to find a balance, or the right tone. It IS an awkward situation. Maybe you should just say that, at the beginning of the call, "Jeez, this is an awkward situation. I'm not sure WHAT to say. I guess I'm a little nervous... how about you?"
Maybe that would break the ice, and you could go on from there.
Best of luck to you, Sharon

[enerad]

Thanks! It's great to be in forum where you can begin to develop an idea of how everyone feels. I like the idea of being able to say "This is akward... let's figure this our together." My husband and I really want to have an open adoption, and want to begin the step the correct way from the beginning. Developing a good future for a child. So... it's important to me to find ways of starting this communication.

Knowing that a phone call is perhaps a way an expectant mother want to share what she is going through is important. The second call, the young woman expressed she just found out she was pregnant. How I wish my cell phone had not lost it's signal. I think now how hard it must have been for her to call.

Is it also important to to get to know about each other in different ways other than the pregnancy and about the possiblity of adoption? How much should you share?

[guyellen]

We have placed many ads , and finally after some hang ups received a call from a birthdad of a 9 month old boy. He started the conversation with - what kind of adoption do you want? I was so thrown off. I just said one that we can share in the level of openness that you choose. I emphasized that they choosed. He seemed relieved and went on to say that he really loved his son, but does not feel that he can offer him all that he needs. He then stated " I don't want my son to say when he is older that I didn't spend enough time with him>" that statement broke my heart. I could feel his love and pain at the same time. He then went on to say, that his girlfriend already has one baby "taken away from her" her parents are raising the child, and will not allow her to have a relationship with her child. She is very angry and bitter about it. She is having a hard time choosing adoption.

Other info provided was that she was a Meth user for her 1st pregnancy, he said she did not use during this pregnancy, who knows if she is using now? He was going to talk to her and call us back that night. They never called, and I had a feeling that she was not going to pursue adoption. From our research Meth is one of the hardest drugs to get off of.

When I get down about not hearing from any birthmothers or getting any calls , or response from all of our networking efforts.
I think about that call, and what a nice, loving, responsible man he was to make that call, and what a nice conversation we had.
It was so refreshing to get a call from a loving, caring birthdad.
I pray for him and his girlfriend and baby all the time, and hope that his girlfriend finds a program to stay clean. It justs reminds us all - that it is not always about us, and the baby that we want or need. Birthmoms and Birthdads are struggling allover this country and the world. Let's put our faith in God, that he will bring the birthparents and child that is meant to be in our lives. And that he will watchover and guide those that decide to parent.

Blessings,

Ellen