[Mommamia]

Greetings,

My husband and I are looking to adopt an older child between 3-6. We already have a bio. child who is 4 1/2. Concerns of friends and family is the intense help a post instutional older child might need (ie, therapy etc) How can I answer this question for them and for myself. At what price to other children in the family to introduce a new family member with the possibility of great psych. and emotional problems?

Thanks for any help and advice,

Mommamia

[addielee]

That's a reasonable but difficult question to answer. Depending upon a child's background, trauma, personality, and a number of other factors, there will be issues that an adoptive family will have to confront. Your family (you and your husband, children) will have to determine what level you are prepared and capable of dealing with.

Read up on varying issues. If you go to www.adoptuskids.org, it will give you profiles on children, listing their behavioral, physical, mental, or other challenges. Typically, you can "click" onto a behavior listed and another screen pops up telling you more about that particular issue and what to expect. Though you probably won't find many 3-6 year olds on that site, it will still be very helpful re: terminology when you begin talking with a social worker about any child.

The few social workers I've spoken with thus far have been very open and honest regarding a particular child's specific needs.

For me, personally, I am more prepared to deal with the effects of a drug exposed child than one that has fetal alcohol syndrome. HOWEVER, there are others that have adopted children with FAS with great success. This is just my personal preference.

Look very honestly at your limitations. Even those 3-6 year olds may have been through pretty severe trauma and loss which effects behaviors and outlooks. Don't be afraid of that. In reading many of the posts on this forum and speaking with other adoptive families, once a child is in a stable, "forever" home, they many times make remarkable strides. Pay attention to their "labels" but don't allow that to scare you away. Each child and case history is different. Even siblings respond differently to the same crisis.

If it's in your heart to adopt, pursue it. Family members have good intentions, but if we all listened to our dear loved ones, most of us would probably be talked out of the adoption pursuit.

It takes effort and committment to follow through with adoption, even in the best of circumstances. These precious children are worth it though.

Best wishes!

[Suzy]

Addielee gave you some wonderful advice about knowing your limitations but not letting labels frighten you away. I'm not sure if you are considering domestic or foreign adoption. If you are considering domestic adoption you have options other than post-institutionalized children. Many adoptable children are in loving and nurturing foster homes waiting for their forever families to find them.

The most important thing that you can do for your family as you begin to consider adoption is to find a good agency. Your adoption worker needs to be someone that you can trust implicitly. You can't assume that you will have this type of relationship with just anyone and it might mean that you have to interview a few agencies before you find one that you are comfortable with. If you have a religious affiliation there is probably an agency that works specifically with families of that affiliation (i.e. Catholic Charities, Lutheran Social Services, Evangelical Christian agencies).

Children that have been in the system almost always have special circumstances to deal with whether it be emotional, mental, or physical. You have to determine with your worker what you are prepared to handle. One of our children required therapy once a week for several months and it became just part of the weekly routine. (Important to remember also though that the workers do not always know everything that has happened to a child. Sometimes once a child feels safe there are things that come out about what happened to them that he/she never divulged before.) Our agency encouraged us to become licensed as a foster family also during our homestudy process so that we would be able to consider children who were not legally free and so that we would have the option of being a foster family if we wanted to test the waters before adopting.

And the price to your family? Well, there are certainly strong arguments to be made against adopting out of birth order. However, there are many families who have adopted out of birth order and whose families have flourished. Maybe we just don't hear from them as often. I didn't have children prior to our placement, so I can't give you advice from the experience of someone who did. But what I can say is that, despite our diligent efforts to sort through profiles and find the right match, our placement ended up being an emergency foster care placement of 3 siblings. I can't imagine life now without them. Our adoption will be final soon. They have their issues, but the difficulties are minor compared to some. Our lives are more complicated than those of traditional families but are perfectly normal for us. I guess I would say that the benefits of adoption for us far outweigh any personal price that we might have paid. We look to the future and plan to continue as a foster family. It is a challenging decision because we now too have to evaluate the age factor as it pertains to our children. Two months ago I probably would have said that any foster child would have to be younger than our littlest. Last month though I attended a regional meeting where teenage foster children were there to get information on college requirements and financial aid. Some of the teenagers were in group homes because of a lack of available foster homes. It overwhelmed me to look at this room full of children who were trying to prepare for their future, I could have easily stood up and offered to take any one of them home with me.

And family and friends? Adoption is not something that everyone is called to do and those who aren't often have a difficult time understanding the decision. My husband and I chose not to have biological children so that we could adopt children who might not otherwise have a forever family. We don’t expect everyone to be able to understand the immensity of this decision. We are honored that God called us to love and nurture children who need a special kind of love. If you choose to go forward you will discover that there are those in your life who will support you unconditionally and that there are those who will question every decision you make. It becomes a part of life and eventually you learn to trust yourself and seek validation from even the small victories that your children achieve. The questions don’t go away, but you learn to deal with those too and you find that sometimes the best response is no response.

May God bless you as you consider adoption!