adoption.com

adoption.com

 
JOIN 800,000+ MEMBERS JOINJOIN Cancel
image






Adoption Forums®

Members List Photos Events Local Adoption Support Search Arcade Reviews Membership Upgrade
Welcome to the Forums.
If this is your first visit, be sure to check out the FAQ. You may have to register before you can post or search: click here to proceed. To start viewing messages, select a forum below that you would like to view or click View All of Todays Posts.
Forum Categories

Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
  #1  
Old 10-20-2011, 10:06 AM
EdyDedd EdyDedd is online now
Senior Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 423
Total Points: 31,041.94
Donate
Do your kids call you "mom" / "dad"?

Just curious if you've adopted an older child and if they call you "mom" or "dad". I told my son he could call me whatever he was comfortable with. He tried out "mom" for a while, but settled on calling me by my first name because it "didn't feel right". He had known me for a while before I became "mom" so he was used to calling me "Miss Edy." (I had him drop the "Miss" part).

When he talks about me he says "my mom", but when he talks to me he uses my first name. Now I wonder if it was a mistake to not encourage him more strongly to get used to calling me "mom".

Did your kids embrace the idea of calling you "mom" or "dad"?
Reply With Quote
Adoption Community Information
Become an adoption forums premium member to enjoy these Membership Benefits:
  • Remove Advertising
  • Unlimited Arcade
  • Unlimited Attachments
  • Increased PM Storage
  • Calendar Posting
  • Larger Avatars
  • Personal Page
  • Just $19.95 / yr!
Find Your Birth Family
Virginia
Click here to visit Birth Family Finders
Our association with investigators and researchers nationwide allows us to find missing birth family members. We're fast, affordable and all investigations are handled by a personal search specialist with your privacy in mind.
Birth Family Finders
 

  #2  
Old 10-20-2011, 10:33 AM
wcurry66's Avatar
wcurry66 wcurry66 is offline
mom
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 3,670
Total Points: 181,278.53
Donate
My daughter has struggled with this.

Its only recently that she refers to us as her mom and dad (2 years after she moved in). She is using the term more and more. But we are still "W" & "B" the majority of the time.

It causes some raised eye brows by people who think kids need to use certain terms for authority figures, but we ignored them.

Looking back, I'm so glad we didn't force it. hearing j say ""I love you, mom" on her own was worth the wait
__________________
Nov 5, 2009 - princess moves in
Jan 14, 2010 - TPR, OA signed
Aug 5, 2010 - FINALIZATION

If you want to keep your memories, you first have to live them. Bob Dylan
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 10-20-2011, 11:22 AM
HappyTwinsMom's Avatar
HappyTwinsMom HappyTwinsMom is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Sep 2002
Posts: 1,141
Total Points: 12,293.17
Donate
My nephew's wife has a son from a previous relationship (he's now 9) and he has always called her and his dad by their first names (with their blessing, I should add). Guess it's not just something that affects adoptive parents.
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 10-20-2011, 12:01 PM
EdyDedd EdyDedd is online now
Senior Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 423
Total Points: 31,041.94
Donate
Interesting that she's making a change after 2 years! I'm 3 years in so I feel like we're pretty set in our ways. I definitely agree with not forcing them to use terms they're not comfortable with and that was my theory behind not steering him in one direction.

The reason I brought this up is from an attachment standpoint, would using familial words help form the familial feelings.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 10-21-2011, 07:20 AM
Woodland7 Woodland7 is offline
Junior Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 36
Total Points: 20,683.49
Donate
We are only still in the process of adopting, but my DH and I are both step-parents to each other's children. I was never comfortable calling my own step-dad by his 1st name so as kids my sister and I made up different "nicknames" that we found more endearing than using his 1st name-- especially when we were raised to never refer to an adult by their 1st name (always Mr. or Ms etc). My children chose a really cute nickname when they first met my now-husband. Even though they were really very young when they made it up, they still use the nickname and have never once called DH by his 1st name.
My step-children, however, have always called me by my 1st name. It does bother me to an extent. Not because I want to be called "mom" b/c they certainly have and live with their own mom... but rather for the informality of it. I realize for many it is NOT an issue at all, but having grown up recognizing the informality and not using 1st names with our own step-dad I do wish often that the kids called me something other than JUST my 1st name.
I think we will encourage our adopted child(ren) to come up with some sort of nickname if they are open to that. It does cause some issues with my bio children when they hear my step-kids use my 1st name-- they have tried calling me by my name and it is sometimes hard for them to grasp why THEY can't but my step-kids can. My kids also SOMEtimes refer to DH as "dad" and have even stated that they "realize that ____ is their 'real' dad" but they don't see why they can't call step-dad "Dad" and other times the kids say it is "just easier" to say dad than the nickname
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 01-03-2012, 10:40 AM
millie58 millie58 is online now
Senior Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,235
Total Points: 95,398.03
Donate
I don't allow adults to be called by their first name. I gave mine the option: aunt __, Ms. ___ , mom ___ or mom. My 4 adopted kiddos call me mom but they did it in their own time.
__________________
Millie

Adoptive mom to 4

L, came home 5/05; adopted 6/06
P, came home 2/06; adopted Adoption Day, 06
J, came home 5/07; adopted 1/09
B, came home 5/07; adopted 1/09

Respite to D and J
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 01-03-2012, 11:20 AM
wcurry66's Avatar
wcurry66 wcurry66 is offline
mom
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 3,670
Total Points: 181,278.53
Donate
Millie,

Things can get complicated when you are talking relative adoptions. I WAS "W" to DD long before I was "mom". We have multi-generational cousins. The (larger) family norm is cousins are on a first name basis.

So, while I COULD enforce a prefix when she moved into my house, this would be akin to me forcing her to call me mom. It was the change that she was resiting (in my case), not the word itself.

I get this is very different from the typical adoption form foster case.. just wanted to throw it out there
__________________
Nov 5, 2009 - princess moves in
Jan 14, 2010 - TPR, OA signed
Aug 5, 2010 - FINALIZATION

If you want to keep your memories, you first have to live them. Bob Dylan
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 01-03-2012, 01:03 PM
ladyjubilee's Avatar
ladyjubilee ladyjubilee is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Posts: 1,293
Total Points: 42,363.45
Donate
Quote:
Originally Posted by EdyDedd
Just curious if you've adopted an older child and if they call you "mom" or "dad".


LG's case is a little different due to his needs, but he's 7 and calls me mom...or at least mmmmm (LG is non verbal). When I explained to him that the adoption was final and he was stuck with me forever and I was now mom he got a big grin on this face. That night, he didn't want to go to bed. After being called in to check on him about 10 times (usually so he could giggle) I finally tried to "ignore" him. He yelled "mmmmmm!!! MMMMMM!! MMMMMMMMM!"....then I hear "Yaaaayeeeee" (his variation on my name). He definitely gets that I'm mom now and likes calling me "mom".
Reply With Quote

  #9  
Old 01-03-2012, 02:44 PM
carmen90's Avatar
carmen90 carmen90 is offline
The last mother
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 1,136
Total Points: 32,383.40
Donate
My oldest doesn't usually call me mum. She calls me by my first name alone. Mum has extremely bad associations for her. I don't find that disrespectful at all, and she is very respectful to me in general. In fact in my case I probably would find titles such as Ms. more disrespectful because they don't fit my role at all. I am her parent not her teacher after all. Although I appreciate foster care is very different to straight adoption, and in my country foster carers are not really allowed to be called mum and dad

My other child adopted at 8 does call me mum. She called me Mummy "Carmen" at first then dropped my first name. She calls her first mum Mum as well as me, which is completely fine
__________________


DD1 - late 20's
and Little GD, aged 2, Tiny GD, aged 1!
DD2 -18
DS - 9
Plus the Gerbils - Chewy and Obi, escape artists extraordinaire

lastmother.wordpress.com
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 01-03-2012, 02:59 PM
ladyjubilee's Avatar
ladyjubilee ladyjubilee is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Oct 2002
Posts: 1,293
Total Points: 42,363.45
Donate
Quote:
Originally Posted by carmen90
in my country foster carers are not really allowed to be called mum and dad


That's really sad......even in the UK some kids are in care a long time.
Reply With Quote
  #11  
Old 01-04-2012, 10:37 AM
Biblemom's Avatar
Biblemom Biblemom is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,312
Total Points: 81,545.62
Donate
It took a long time for my youngest to call my DH and I 'mom and dad'. For her too the names had bad associations. I am glad we waited for her to be ready and make the switch in her own time.
__________________
Mom to my forever four
Current placements
Foster and respite placements still in our hearts and prayers x 7 x 15
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 01-04-2012, 11:47 PM
Bamamom07's Avatar
Bamamom07 Bamamom07 is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 486
Total Points: 52,866.83
Donate
I brought my first AS home when he was 9. A year later I brought home my other three adopted children, ages at that time 10, 5, and 14. The 5 & 14 yr olds are girls who had been together in their prior foster placement, they started calling me and husband mom and dad within a couple of months. A couple of months later the older boy followed suit, then after several more months, the boy I'd had a year before everyone else. They are all bio sibs of same mother, different fathers. I think the oldest just really wanted a mom and stability, and to say "mom" and "dad" like all the other kids at school. The youngest likes to copy whatever her big sister does. Those two broke the ice. The older boy was ready for a mom's love. The youngest boy might never have called me mom routinely if we hadn't adopted his older sibs who called me mom, tho he had been referring to me as mom to others not long after coming home. I really wanted him to call me mom far earlier, but just didn't push it and told him he could call me mom, mama, mama xxxxx or xxxxx. I think he may have found it as a sign of being unloyal to his siblings if he called me mom and we didn't have them. But since they did, he could follow suit. He is a follower, not a leader. Maybe one day, he'll be ready to forge his own path.
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 01-10-2012, 03:12 PM
Rosey23 Rosey23 is offline
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 84
Total Points: 10,297.09
Donate
A month in our 16 year old calls us by our first names to us but is trying out family terms, like parents and son. Recently while we where out in public I was called his mom and he went with it and then started referring to me as mom back to the person. I think he is experimenting with it all to figure out what he is comfortable with.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 01-11-2012, 08:23 AM
millie58 millie58 is online now
Senior Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,235
Total Points: 95,398.03
Donate
wcurry: thanks!! You're absolutely right - kinships makes a huge difference. Is the rest of the family supportive?
__________________
Millie

Adoptive mom to 4

L, came home 5/05; adopted 6/06
P, came home 2/06; adopted Adoption Day, 06
J, came home 5/07; adopted 1/09
B, came home 5/07; adopted 1/09

Respite to D and J
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 01-11-2012, 12:03 PM
wcurry66's Avatar
wcurry66 wcurry66 is offline
mom
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 3,670
Total Points: 181,278.53
Donate
millie.. for the most part, yes
__________________
Nov 5, 2009 - princess moves in
Jan 14, 2010 - TPR, OA signed
Aug 5, 2010 - FINALIZATION

If you want to keep your memories, you first have to live them. Bob Dylan
Reply With Quote
Reply

« Previous Thread | Next Thread »

Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off

Points Per Thread View: 1.00
Points Per Thread: 15.00
Points Per Reply: 5.00


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 09:16 AM.