[mushroom]

My husband and I are just at the beginning stages of considering older child adoption. I've read books like "The Hurt Child," and he is working his way through similar books. We are considering toddler through age eight. We are still working through our reasons for wanting to adopt, so I won't go into them here, but one major one is to offer a child who needs a home a supportive, welcoming environment.

My question has to do with parenting experience. Neither of us have any parenting experience. I worked as a children's librarian in college and did the usual babysitting routine in high school. My husband has more experience with younger children than I do by virtue of being the oldest of 5. We both babysit and enjoy hanging out with and caring for our nephew (3 yrs), and do this whenever we get a chance.

Is there anyone out there who is considering adopting/has adopted an older child without any parenting experience, and without extensive childcare experience? The sum of our experience worries me, both in terms of parenting an older child AND in terms of a case worker/homestudy.

Any advice would be really welcome.

[bluebonnet_72]

We didn't have any parenting experience but I was a teacher, and worked with a lot of kids from traumatic background. Dh didn't have much experience with kids. We adopted three at once, and it was hard on him, but he loves our girl's and is an awesome Dad.
Most parents start parenting with little experience. True it isn't exactly the same, but bringing home a child changes everyone's life and no one is exactly prepared.
I do recommend volunteering with kids somewhere. Contact your state's child welfare agency and see if you can be a volunteer mentor, volunteer with a camp like Royal Family which is foster kids, become a CASA, just anything that gets you around kids who have dealt with trauma.

[crick]

Both my dh and I were first time parents when we adopted. We went from zero to 4 children overnight with a 2, 3, 4 & 5 year old.

Overwhelming? OH YES!! Hard at times? OHHH YES!!

Would I adopt 4 kids with severe issues that I felt I wouldn't be able to deal with? No. So things like that make a difference and needs to be realized.

I think you go into it feet first but armed with all the knowledge of "this COULD happen", kwim? Every parent is new to the game when they become parents for the first time. Infants have their own challenges and lots of first time parents have no clue what they are doing when that baby arrives.

Be as prepared and educated as you can be, but don't let the fact that you haven't been a parent yet stop you from considering older child adoption.

[HopefulInTN]

Our son is our first child. We adopted him at age 10. In our case, we believe that not having experience beforehand has its benefits. We had no expectations of how our lives would be with a special-needs child, so each experience was weighed solely on that occurrence and not on prior experiences with kids. Not saying that people do that, but it could have factored in, we would have to admit.

We have researched (and used places like this forum) extensively to learn everything we can to help our son. The main advice I would give you is to be teachable. Be willing to learn from the wisdom of others who have been there. And be willing to love long before you are loved in return. The payoff, at times, is beyond amazing!

[mushroom]

Thank you so much for all the advice. It's a great comfort to hear that no prior parenting experience doesn't mean we'd necessarily be unqualified or should stop considering it.

Speaking of learning, are there any books or other resources anyone could recommend that really helped them? I've read:
Adopting and Advocating for the Special Needs Child
Adopting the Hurt Child
Older Child Adoption

And various "how to" types of books on procedures and laws and whatnot.

Everything I've read so far has been helpful, but I'm always looking to gather more information.

[leahcar]

Our daughter has been with us since May and we finalized the adoption last month, right after her 10th birthday. She is our first/only child. We learn as we go. There's lots of, "Well, that didn't work! Let's try something else next time."

Older child adoption typically comes with lots of emtional issues and behaviors due to past trauma. One of the hardest part for me is trying to figure out, "Is she acting out because of some pain from her background or is it a normal kid thing?" It probably really doesn't matter much why a behavior is there, so much as what we're going to do to help her turn it around.

Read the special needs forum here. Ask questions. I learned more from these people than all the books I read and 30 hours of adoption classes.

[Jennitope]

My husband and I adopted a brother and sister in August 2009. Our experience with kids was similar to yours—a niece, babysitting, a year of teaching. It did seem like a concern for the caseworker, but obviously not a deal-breaker. Here in NM, they encourage people who want to adopt to do respite foster care first, and we had two respite placements. I dreaded doing it, but I'm glad we did. It gave us a little bit more experience, and although the kids were great, they weren't our kids, like we knew the kids we eventually adopted were from the very start.

Our kids are 11 and 14, and it has been difficult. There are times when I can't believe what I've done to my life. But when I'm not emotional, I don't regret a thing. I love them so much, and they've made my life so much better in so many crazy ways that I never could have imagined.

As for books, I recommend Attaching in Adoption by Deborah Gray and The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis. Our therapist recently lent us Building the Bonds of Attachment by Daniel Hughes, and she recommends it, but I haven't started it yet.

All of the problems we've had have been attachment-related and stemming from trauma, but like a previous poster said, it's hard to tell how much of their behavior is due to their backgrounds. Both of our kids had RAD diagnoses when they came to us. But both are attaching.

That's another thing—and I'm sorry I'm rambling. I wouldn't have adopted these two kids if I'd only seen them on paper. They have so many diagnoses and had so many placements. We met them at an adoption event, and there was no going back, love at first sight. If your state has events like NM does, I urge you to go to them to meet kids in person.

[alys1]

Books... Hatten down the batches, I'm a reader. "Don't Touch My Heart". Paints picture of adopted boy with huge attachment problems. Short, easy to read, I think gives insight into seeing through the child's eyes.

Daniel Hughes: Building the Bonds of Attachment. Tells 3-4 stories at once: little girl entering FC, (and tearing up families), her new caseworker (male), her therapeutic foster mom, her counseling journey. I wanted to make everyone I knew read this: "I did this, this is how hard it was, but I did this!" Preview: the mom turns the little girl around.

Attachment, Trauma and Resilience, by Kate Cairns. British SW, biomom to 3, long-term FM to 12. I can't say how great her books are, including charts of things to do to promote... "Interventions to promote stabilization, integration, adaptation, to enable children to grieve and recover...." It's just gold.

Do you know about "time-in" parenting vs "time-out" parenting? There's a great video set a friend has, by a couple of adoptive moms in the Midwest. One local agency requires all their prospective a-parents to watch it. Have to get the name. It's so great in reinforcing all you have to do differently at first, for long-term success.

[Jennitope]

Alys1, please do post the title of the videos when you have it. I would love to watch that. And I'm going to check out the Kate Cairns book.

Karyn Purvis also has some worthwhile videos to watch.

[alys1]

Thanks for the reminder (oops!) "Because They Waited" is the video course's name. It is *great*! I (cough) just ordered it from a used bookstore online. :-) This "time-in" parenting style is also exhibited in Dan Hughes' book about attaching, and in Deborah Gray's work. I personally think this video and Hughes do a better job of describing this parenting intervention style (a *must* if the children are pretty traumatized) than Gray.

Here's the home website:
Heart Of The Matter Seminars

Also, have you read any tell-all type books about children who've been abused? Like the "It" series? If you have an older child who can talk, they will definitely disclose their past traumas to you. I think it's really helpful to have heard some of the worst things first. So you don't run throw up, but instead (it's still tough) say, "Was that really scary?" or "That sounds like it really hurt a lot."

And Peter A. Levine on the effects of trauma on humans/children -- including "Trauma-Proofing Your Child." Google him, he has a site.

I'll definitely ck out Karyn Purvis, thanks for that.

[alys1]

Watched a Karyn video with puppets/ role-playing. Brilliant. Reminded me of Deborah Hage on lying. It's 100% right on:
Lying and Teaching the Truth - Deborah Hage, MSW

[DeneenM]

Hi There! I loved the book The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis and Attachment in Adoption by Deborah Gray. The best advice I can give you is to have a lot of patience. Way more than you think you will need. We adopted a sibling group of three boys ages 2, 4 and 8. And the 8 year old has by far been our most challenging (which makes sense as he has had the longest amount of time of instability in his life). We're just at a year on our journey together and I know we have a long road ahead of us still. I agree with previous posts, that sometimes having experience clouds your judgment. Also, get a network of ladies in your situation together so you can go have a margarita or iced tea with every so often to bounce ideas and/or vent with. Good luck!

[Jennitope]

Alys1, thanks for the video info. I'll see if my local adoption resource support group library thing has a copy. And thanks also for the article on lying! That came at a good time, let me tell you!

I started the Daniel Hughes book and my eyes are already opening. The stuff about dealing with MY attachment issues hurts but is so true.

Back to the original poster, I agree that too much experience with "regular" kids can mess you up. I know that my issues with my parents and in-laws come from them thinking that these kids should be raised the same way they raised their own kids, when the truth is that you have to do it very differently.

[Sapo]

Just my 2 cents here. My DH and I also adopted a sibling group (ages 1,2,3) and went from being childless to parents of 3 overnight! We didn't have prior expectations based on bio-kids and that actually was helpful, as others have mentioned above.

We have found the following books super helpful: Connected Child, Attaching in Adoption, and Transforming the Difficult Child: The Nurtured Heart Approach (by Howard Glassar). The 3rd one is marketed really for help with discipline, but I feel that a lot of day-to-day functioning as a family (following rules and guidelines for how to get along) has so much to do with the relational connection between parents and children.

My DH and I had the ability to take a month off when the children were placed with us, so we were with them 24/7 for a whole month. That was so, so helpful to begin to establish attachment and parent/child roles. It was EXHAUSTING and so hard. But I felt it was super helpful.

Also, I don't know if you are a kid-lover at heart. It's weird to say this, but I'm not drawn to kids in general. But when we started our journey, I knew I would love our kids so much and be committed to them, and that has turned out to be the case. So even if you don't feel qualified, if you open your heart and commit to those little ones, you will be given the right tools.

[millie58]

My 4 were 8, 11, 7 and 8 when adopted. Overwhelming!! But you'll start to see signs of them healing and it's worth it. There will be days when you'll pull out your hair.. and you'll cry and/or scream. It is a rollercoaster. But it's so worth it.