[peregrinerose]

We are in the home stretch of finalizing our son's adoption. The relevent information for this post is that he's 16 and was born into the foster care system. He's had over 20 placements, including 2 residential facilities (for a total of 3 years or so in those) as well as 4 failed adoption attempts. Historically, every foster home and adoption disruption was due to anger/violence on his part so he has never learned to deal with fear, anger, or interpersonal conflict.... only that negative experiences lead to removal.

Given his past, he is very understandably terrified... afraid of losing us just like he has lost so many other parents, afraid of the adoption not happening. We've seen quite a range of behaviors out of it... and the behaviors always happen after a case worker visits (and with 2 visits this week, it's been far too eventful a week) or some new piece of adoption paperwork gets signed.

We love him very much, and there is no doubt at all that he loves us. This is a great match... a struggle sometimes, and challenging sometimes, but a good match.

Last night's drama included him informing us that because he's not a 'perfect child' (he got called on some disrespectful behavior and flew into a rage when corrected on it), he is going to leave and not be adopted by us. He called me by first name, and spent 1/2 hour packing up all of his belongings. He never requested to call his case worker, and he cried the entire time.

My husband and I stayed calm, and when he was ready to talk, we were there for him. It was a long night and a long conversation, but he also unpacked most of his things again.

Given that our adoption will likely be finalized the end of Dec, what more 'fun' adventures can we expect? Any pointers on how to deal with them? So far, we've just been calm, reassuring, understanding, and although we're not going to let him get away with inappropriate behaviors, we are consistent with telling him that he is loved no matter what, and we'll always be here for him (even when in that moment it is really REALLY hard to say things like that!).

[crick]

I think you are doing what should be done and all you can really do is keep assuring him and assuring him. Dealing with the behaviors of course, but through it all, as you are doing, keep telling him and showing him you love him.

Does he have holiday "blues" at all? If not, then I might use this time to do a lot of activities together as a family celebrating the holiday. If you celebrate Christmas or Hannukah etc., maybe take this time to start a brand new family tradition? One that he can take part in and show him that for years to come, this will be something to celebrate every year? Just trying to think of some things that he can latch onto for future and permanency.

Hang in there!

[sunshinemomma]

{{{Peregrine}}]

Sounds like you did a great job and sounds like he is doing his part to test the waters every time you get a little closer and he gets little more fearful of losing you. I am a big believer of saying things straightforward to kids and he is old enough to be able to hear the truth. ie. I see that seeing the sw is causing you to feel......do........how can we help you prepare for those feelings to come up and how can we help you to manage the feelings of........

Just an idea that I had was for you to do the candle ceremony every year for a family Christmas tradition - this may be something very special for him. Maybe do it on Christmas eve to spread out the tradition.

Poor kid....must be very hard for him.

[peregrinerose]

Thank you both for your replies.

I am not certain what to do with Christmas. We aren't Christian, neither is our son... husband athiest, son and I more agnostic. It doesn't feel right to celebrate a holiday that truly isn't ours, almost like it's disrespectful to Christians. So I can't for the life of me figure out what traditions to go with.

We don't have any family (his expelled him from the family for many reasons, part of which is adopting a teen, mine was very abusive, so I severed ties 20 years ago) and our friends are all with their own families. Holidays are a little lonely for us. Any tradition suggestions?

[crick]

How about just celebrating the Winter Solstice then? There's still a lot of traditions you can start for that and make one out of things you like to do together.

I have a friend who takes his mom out for chinese food every Christmas and then they see a movie.

If you like all like to cook at all, maybe each take a "holiday" recipe (nothing disrespectful about that, imo) that you like or want to try and cook together.

Maybe there's a certain genre of movies you all like and you can have a dvd "Marathon Movie" day.

If you live in a winter state at all and like outdoor activities, maybe go skiing or sledding, snowmobiling?

[Hadley2]

Well, first you have Thanksgiving. Get him to help you wrestle the turkey, etc., there should be some hilarity and bonding in that. Go for a walk or hike after dinner. We live on a mountain, so hiking it is a family tradition on several holidays. If he has friends, be sure he has some fun time with them scheduled in over the long weekend. Otherwise, take in a movie, go for an adventure, etc., whatever he likes but have a plan. Kids feel more secure and cared for when there is a planned activity than when you just wake up and wander through the day.

As for the rest of the holidays, I'll probably get in trouble for this, but y'know, despite its name, Christmas isn't really a Christian holiday.... I won't go into its great long history, except to note that its grand celebration is a very modern invention borne more of economics--Roosevelt's regularizing of the Thankgiving date to ensure four full shopping weeks--than religion--especially given that many denominations actually banned its celebration for centuries and New York City outlawed it due to hooliganism for some time.

Anyway, at its heart, it's a solstice celebration. Solstice celebrations are virtually universal among the world's religions and cultural traditions. You don't have to be Christian, religious in the mystical sense, or believe in an intentional god with a capital "G" to celebrate the turning to longer days and more sunlight, the promise of spring, renewal, and rebirth to come, etc. We're not Christian but we celebrate the winter solstice in Christmas and a few other traditions, including our own, that make the season ours.

A few different Solstice/light traditions include Yule (lit trees, log fires), Christmas (advent), Channukah (menorah), Ramadan (feast and light through the night), Shabe-Yalda (also feast and light through the night), Diwali (earlier on our calendar, small rows of lighted cups), Bodhi Day (colored lights), and Soyal (Hopi). Kwanzaa is a modern cultural tradition, not religious, but fits in there symbolically.

So feel free to join in the fun of one or more of these that fits with your cultural heritage without the guilt.

I would guess that your son has been through many different holiday experiences with a wide range of emotions associated with each. So open it up to him--what does he like, what traditions does he want to make his own? At 16, his window of opportunity for making this season his own happy, enriched time is closing fairly quickly. I'd encourage him to tell you what he'd like. A few traditions well chosen could be very meaningful.

If he likes outdoor sports, then traditions built around the first ski or snowboard day, skating, snowshoeing, etc., could be fun and include friends.

I'd guess that some decorations--a tree, some trimmings, some nice candles would go a long way. Fire on some of the evenings in the fireplace or woodstove. Definitely a nice family dinner and evening on Christmas Eve and a few gifts in the morning with a nice brunch. Maybe a movie in the afternoon. Little things--we refill the bird feeders Christmas afternoon after leaving them empty since November 1. Maybe go into whatever city is near you for 1st Night celebration on New Year's. Does he like classical music? There are usually many performances throughout the season. Maybe an open house for friends or all-night movie night for his friends.

It sounds as if you are a wonderful family and parents for this young man. Since you know finalization is around the corner, you know that he will soon be in a place he has never been before--a fully legal member of a real family. That may bring its own challenges, IDK. Your commitment, though, and that shines through your post, I think will see him and you through it.

[megaphonemo]

Great post, Hadley.....

And Peregrin - you are doing a wonderful thing.... He is scared, and you are awesome! (just wanted to tell you that....!)

I second the skiing if your climate allows- if he has never been, you will all laugh harder than you have in your lives at the first attempts!!

Happy Thanksgiving!

[chloroxsis]

Is there any way you can decrease the number of times a worker visits? I understand why that sets him off...it's how all disruptions begin.

Maybe, you can say, "Although the courts are not finalizing the adoption until the end of December, we want to have our Family Finalization." Draw up an official paper with whatever is going to happen: name change, parent and child responsibility, then everyone sign it, and celebrate. Make the real finalization just a necessary add-on, but not a big deal. Maybe you can get the whole anxiety feeling over with sooner.

You are doing a great job! It's wonderful you see he is afraid and not just his behaviors!

[peregrinerose]

Thank you all for your great suggestions, especially you, Hadley. I am aware of Solstice celebrations and so many of the "Christmas" traditions having earthier roots, but you made me actually think about that facet again.

Last night, my husband and I had our 'date night' which we try to do once a week or so since we don't see each other awake very often. We had a long talk about our holiday traditions when we were kids, what we are going to do for the holidays, and how to incorporate those things into our family now. A lot of your suggestions made perfect sense too.

After we got home last night, we described everything to our son (who has no religious inclination and had no holiday traditions he wanted to share of his own... he just wanted presents. Typical kid :-)

About skiing... Skiing is dangerous! Are you people crazy??? We'll stick to skydiving, much safer :-P We have talked about doing a snow tube trip once there's some snow here and let him bring a few friends. That should be a lot of fun for all of us.

Yes, we definitely are committed to our son. He's a great kid. As far as I know there's only one more social worker visit with us (December 8) and then hopefully finalization on Dec 29. We already got out of one 6 month permanency hearing, given that it was scheduled for 2 weeks before the adoption is due to be finalized.