[carter0191]

Hello to everyone! I am looking for some experience and advice. My husband and I have recently finished our homestudy to adopt waiting children in PA. Half way through our homestudy, our caseworker introduced us to a child placed through her agency. He is 11. He is adorable and very nicely mannered the two times we met with him. We all assumed this placement was going to progress, they wanted to move him in within the month. Then, we met with his caseworker to get full disclosure. He has been in eleven placements in almost three years. His profile info said he was placed in home with other children and he "directed much of his anger at another child whom he tried to drown" and he "threatened him with a butter knife" His caseworker could not offer us additional info on these incidents because he said he could not remember them. Our cw and his cw are telling us that with stability he will be a great addition to our family. I am torn because I do believe he is a good kid, but we have 3 children ages 8yrs,6yrs, and 3 mos.
I just don't know what to do. Our caseworker is very young and admittedly unexperienced. She is really pushing us to take him because she says she really has "a sweet spot" for him. Does he sound like the type of kid that should be placed with other children? Is this sort of behavior common for children in foster care?

[MassachusettsMom]

I'm sure others with more experience will jump in... but I wouldn't make any decisions until you can talk to the former foster parents and get the whole story. That sounds like an awful lot of moves... and, in my experience, social workers tend to downplay kids' issues -- so you might be looking at something worse.

But I'll defer more comment to those with more experience...

[lucyjoy]

He sounds like a kid with reactive attachment disorder that has his caseworker snowed. NO, he should not b e placed with younger children.

[crick]

I don't actually think this is common with kids in foster care. There are of course kids like this and severe, and they too need homes. However, my opinion is that they need homes with experienced parents in older child issues, no children in the home or much older siblings.

I personally would not take this type of risk child for your first placement or with your young children.

[kburch]

I would not take a placement of a child with a known history of violence toward other children with younger children in the home. If the child does act to injure the younger ones, it only hurts the little ones and makes the older one sicker, which helps no one. JMHO.

[carter0191]

Thanks to the responses that I received before. We addressed our concerns with our caseworker and the child's. We were told the incidences that bothered us so much were more or less misrepresented in his profile. That the drowning incident was just him jumping on the back of his older and bigger foster brother in the pool and his foster mother over -reacted.
So, we have had two more visits with him. He has been absolutely excellent here. Please and thank you, talking about all the things he looks forward to doing with us. Then I returned him to his foster mother (oh yeah he has been moved four times in as many months due to things I am told are minor, like he got kicked off the bus for spitballs) Anyway, I meet his foster mother and she is a grandmother and definitely more experienced in foster kids. She interupts my greeting and asks how he acted because he is so disruptive with her. She said he has a mouth that " would make a marine's ears bleed" He is defiant about any and everything.
I am so torn. I don't want to just give up on him like everyone else has. On the other hand I don't want to tear my family apart by taking on more than we can handle. I think my husband is in denial that eventually this kid is going to act up here. Our whole family has met him and think he is great. Am I insane?
I also should mention that TPR has just taken place this month. He also had a visit with his little brother that is placed in another home( where he will stay) that was very difficult for him because it happened with the cw who attended his parents visits.
Sorry this is so long-- bless you for reading the whole thing!! LOL

[lucyjoy]

Kids are seldom moved multiple times for minor issues. Foster mom likely has far better insight then the workers do as to what this child's behavior is really like. Can you talk to the former foster parents? What about the school? (Though attachment disordered kids can appear be perfect angels at school and horrible at home)

This is NOT going to be an easy kid. I'd also not be too quick to believe that the boy did not attempt to drown someone or that he got removed over spit wads. Spit wad bus suspension may have been the last straw, but not likely the cause.

[Linny]

I'm with Lucy here. Kids don't get moved time and again for minor stuff; further, any SUGGESTION that he's done anything CLOSE to the behaviors you've mentioned are enough there's no way I'd have this kid with younger children. Sounds like this boy has RAD issues for starters. I know....my wording may sound very harsh. However, we've BTDT far too many times. It's one thing to accept these types of behaviors if the child's the only one in the home (though I could almost guarantee it would VERY tough); but, quite a different thing to bring a child in with behaviors that could seriously harm your other children.

Sincerely,

Linny

[Bamamom07]

Not to be harsh, but honest. You don't want to let him down after all he's been through, but how do you think you will feel when he knocks your six year old around because the little one touched his toy? What about when you're busy with your newborn baby and can't see why your 8 & 6 yr olds are screaming in the next room? He will say one of them did something, they will say it was him, & you know they are probably right. But if you don't believe him, he will respond you ALWAYS believe them anyway.How much sibling rivalry do you have between your two older ones now? You know the 11 yr old will act much younger, but will want to be treated as much older. You will have to have line of vision supervision with your children at all times when he is there, until you can trust him to act appropriately, which may or may not ever happen. That is challenging to do, doubtful possible at all while taking care of a baby. Your heart is in the right place. This is probably just not the right child for your family.

[peregrinerose]

This sounds like a kid that I might be willing to take.... However, I don't have young children my home, only a 16 year old son. With younger kids, I'd probably be hesitant.... you just can't take chances with a younger child's safety, whereas in our home, I can take a lot more with regard to acting out, anger, and violence.

Our son has had over 20 placements in his 15 years in the system. All of them were disrupted for things that my husband and I find 'minor' but were a big deal to the foster parents (threats of violence, breaking windows, punching walls, breaking doors, fights with same-age foster siblings, rage/anger). We've seen the wall punching, the threats, the anger... the difference with us is that we don't have any other kids to worry about with regard to violence, so we have the opportunity to teach him how to handle his behavior in a safe manner. He has learned the fine art of drywall patching due to damage to our home. He has learned to remove himself from a situation when angry. He's learned restraint. He's not perfect by any means, but very obviously improved behavior and coping skills. Foster parents threw him out due to safety to other kids in the home, so he never had the chance to learn these skills before.

I tell you this not to pat ourselves on the back but to demonstrate that the whole point of matching is to find a great match for both child and parent. Our skill set and home is ideal for a child with anger issues. There are a lot of things we are not equipped to handle (animal abuse, sexual acting out, etc). That's what makes our son a good match with us.

Just because this child may not be a great match with your home given younger kids in the home does not mean he's not a great match for another family. Just because he may not work well with you doesn't mean there's not another kid out there that would work out better.

Follow your gut though. On paper, our son is extremely frightening, but our guts said he was the right child for us. And he is. Maybe you could to a respite weekend or two for this boy and see how things go?

Where in PA are you? We live just north of Harrisburg.

[carter0191]

Thanks everyone. I have been talking to my husband more about this and we are getting on the same page. You all have validated what I am feeling and thinking.
Peregrinerose-- I am in Bradford County.