[anilorak13ska]

Dh and I have been foster parents to our 7mo FD for almost a month now. While she is a joy, and we are happy to keep her as long as needed, we expect her to RU. And we're not so sure that we would want to go through the shock of baby parenting again! (long story, see siggie) So we have decided we want to adopt a toddler or preschooler from foster care.

We are focusing our attention on foster care, and knowing that children's goals can change (both from adoption to RU and from RU to TPR/adoption), we will take either fost-to-adopt or straight foster placements, so that we don't miss an opportunity to adopt a child that didn't start out with an adoption goal.

We are looking at a minimum age of ~18 months, maximum 5 years (as long as they're not yet in school). We'll take any age (younger or older) as respite (weekend), if we don't have a child in the home already.

I know from the shock we got with Baby V that there is no way to "prepare" for parenting any particular child. But what should we know about a child in this age range, their experience of being removed from their home, reunification, transition to adoption? How should we communicate with a child of this age about their situation, when we ourselves will be uncertain of the future? What sort of acting-out-behavior should we be on the lookout for? What would a child this age call their foster parents? (We went back and forth with Baby V, finally switching back to auntie/uncle when we knew we would meet her parents, and it's stuck and it helps with remembering the RU goal as well).

My ears are wide open!

[Withay]

But what should we know about a child in this age range, their experience of being removed from their home, reunification, transition to adoption?

Know that being removed from their family is very traumatic to children of all ages. As you already know, ru is virtually always the initial plan in foster care. The timeframe allowed to parents to complete their case plan varies from case to case. If the plan changes to adoption you may be asked if you are interested, after there has been a diligent family search.

How should we communicate with a child of this age about their situation, when we ourselves will be uncertain of the future?

Honesty is the best policy. Tell them, in terms they can understand that you understand that they miss their mommy/daddy, but you don't know when they might go home. That is up to the judge. Let them know that you do not make the decision, it is always 'up to the judge'.

What sort of acting-out-behavior should we be on the lookout for?

There may be tantrums, biting, wetting, soiling, sleep issues, feeding issues, depression and the list goes on. Be sensitive to their feelings, but do not allow behavior that you will not allow once they have settled in. For example, don't let them stay up late with you when you will later expect them to go to bed at a certain time. Extra cuddles, if the child wants them is very good. Quiet one-on-one time with each child is good.

What would a child this age call their foster parents?

This depends on the child. Most children will call you what they are comfortable with. Many younger children will automatically call you mommy and daddy.

Relax, take a deep breath and continue to breathe. You will be fine.

[anilorak13ska]

Withay - thank you!

[MassachusettsMom]

We adopted a toddler who was 15 months when he came to us and almost 2 when we finalized. It was easier than I thought it would be. Two books that I STRONGLY recommend (as in BUY them now!):

Toddler Adoption - Mary Hopkins-Best
A Child's Journey Through Placement - Vera Fahlberg

Good luck!!

[anilorak13ska]

thanks for the book suggestions!

[evansmum]

Another book that we like is Maybe Days, by Jennifer Wilcogki. Perfect for that 3-6ish age group; it explains all about how foster care works, from why they were removed to who makes the decisions and what they might be.

Our AS is 9 and still reads it once in awhile, but it WAS a regular bedtime book for months at a time - I noticed mostly when things were getting hairy for visits/court/etc.