[wannabeadad]

I am beginning the process of taking the classes to be able to adopt. I'm single and will be able to adopt 1 child, and I believe that an older child would be the best fit for my situation. I have been looking through the photo listings and i see a lot of kids aged 15-18. From the research I've done it appears that a lot of these kids will unfortunately age out without being adopted. From what I have been told it will take at least 4 months for me to be approved to adopt which means mid-February. Is it too early for me to be considering any of these kids (because some will be adopted hopefully) or since i tend to be very goal-minded is it a good idea to make a tentative choice and work toward that child (or a couple of kids) specifically?

[jeffw]

You don't get to make the choice. You only get to express interest by submitting your home study. After that you just wait and usually nothing happens. If you get your heart set on one child then you'll likely be disappointed. Most people submit their home study on many kids at the same time. I would recommend spending your time reading up on parenting traumatized children.

[peregrinerose]

I would not suggest looking at a specific child until you are finalized as a resource parent. It's easy to see a smiling picture and happy little blurb about a kid and fall in love and want to help them. But that happy little blurb is sometimes blatantly misleading/false and when you read the 30-40 page full profiles you'll get a much broader picture.

There's nothing wrong with looking at the photolistings to get an idea of what's out there, but don't decide on a kid right off the bat. You really will get your choice of kids looking for a teen... it's a lot easier to be 'matched' than the parents that want younger kids. We put in for two kids, were accepted for and interviewed for both. To us, one was a perfect fit and one we didn't have the resources locally to help as he had far more needs and was 6 months from turning 18. So we went with the perfect match for us kid. He still has plenty of needs, but ones we could meet in our home and local community.

Read up a lot on RAD, on the psych ramifications of neglect. Read the book "Finding Fish" by Antwone Fisher. Talk with people who are adults and have been in the foster system. Read and learn everything you can. Spend a lot of time with teenagers in general so you are comfortable relating to them.

Adopting a teen has it's challenges, but the rewards are outstanding as well. Good luck!

[wannabeadad]

I've read up on RAD on the forums here. I know its common but do all the kids in foster care have it? and can a child that age eventually bond as a younger child would or is that too much to expect? also in 4 months am i likely to see a different group of kids in that age group or mostly the same kids?

[peregrinerose]

I don't know where you are, but in PA, a lot of the kids on the listings have been there for years. New ones are put up every day. It's so sad. But when you get hung up on one kid based on your perception from one photo and a very misleading paragraph, you're going to go into the potential relationship with big time preconceived notions and blinders on. That's not fair to you or the child you end up adopting.

I read about 30 profiles before working on the relationship with our son specifically. Most of the kids had RAD. All of them have been in foster care more than 5 years, most of them their entire lives (and we were only looking at boys age 14+ at the time). They have been in often dozens of placements, many of them are either in or have been in residential treatment facilities. Almost all of them are on meds of some form or other for psych issues. Anything from bipolar to ADHD.

Yes, even RAD kids can learn to bond, but it's important as a parent to understand the limitations of how a child will bond. These kids have been through heck and back. Trust is slow. Relationships hesitant. The relationship may never be what you concieve a 'normal' parent-child relationship to be. That's why it's important to go in with a blank slate and no expectations. Accept your relationship as it grows to be, not force something that may not be possible.... love the child that is, not force them into a mold that they may not be able to fit.

As adoption moves forward, they may act out... ours has had 4 failed adoption attempts, and any time some new paperwork shows up or somthing happens to move us closer to adoption, he acts out. He's scared.

My husband and I both have a great relationship with our son. All three of us love each other, laugh with each other, get frustrated with each other. It's a really good match. My husband and I are both very laid back, openminded personality types. Neither of has any concept of what a 'normal' parent child relationship is as we never had one in our own lives, so we're pretty open to letting relationships with kids grow in whatever form feels right for us and that child, even if it means we don't get hugs or "I love yous" or whatever 'normal' kids do for their parents.

[wannabeadad]

Thanks that all makes perfect sense. I'm in Kentucky and from the descriptions there are a few of the kids that sound like they would be a good fit for me and i did call on one of them. They of course couldn't go into too many details but they allowed me to tell them my situation and indicated that this child did sound like a possibility. I am open to other kids as well of course but as i see the kids on the site its hard not to wonder what to expect after i'm approved to adopt. Since I'll be a single parent, a child with minimal issues would probably be best for me, plus I'm only looking in Kentucky because I've been told if I adopt from the system here then he could pick any state school for college and his tuition is waived. I'm not rich but i will still want him to have every advantage so this is important. because of all of this i'm afraid it will narrow the choices down drastically.
as far as expectations for a parent/child relationship, i realize that it will take time and the hugs and "i love yous" aren't necessary if the child isn't comfortable but i'm thinking more along the lines of long-term bonding. if i adopt a 15 or 16 year old, can he really come to think of me as his father by the time he leaves home to lead his own life? can you really build that kind of bond with that short of a period of time? i'm kind of hoping he will choose to stay home through his college years which would give us more time (and he'd always have a home with me when he needed it at any age) but i know a lot of times kids don't want to do that. lol i guess i'm going to have to work a bit on the "blank slate" attitude. my first class is tomorrow night so i'm still at the beginning of this. I've been an uncle 7 times and they are all in their 20's now so i have been around teens a lot but i am single and haven't done the "dad" thing yet and really want to, which is my reason for wanting to adopt. my sisters have always told me i would be a good parent seeing me with their kids over the years, i just hope i get the opportunity.

[peregrinerose]

Given my case study of one now-16 year old that we've been parents to for 7 months, yes, it's absolutely possible to have a great parent/kid relationship. Not that it is always easy, sometimes I want to put my head through a wall with him (and he feels the same toward us as any teen will), but overall, it's been good for all concerned. We're looking forward to starting to look for a second child once ours is legally adopted ... no court date yet, but probably late Nov/early Dec.

[wannabeadad]

thanks i'm glad to hear that for you and its very encouraging. and i fully understand that there is good and bad times in any parenting, especially with teenagers and this may sound funny but as much as i'm hoping there are many more good days than bad, i'm looking forward to both. and i also hope to adopt twice, once the first adoption if final and providing he is on board with having a sibling as well. but i realize that however it happens will be God's will. i have a lot to get through in the next few months. besides the classes i have a 35 page profile to fill out and am sketchy on some of it. some of the questions seem like they already require you to be an expert parent in order to answer. As an uncle i got to spend time with them without the issues of things like discipline or religion. I'm against corporal punishment anyway so that won't be an issue but am still unsure on the best way to enforce rules in the way that they are asking. I'm also unsure on religion since I am Jewish but not very religious and I'm expecting to adopt a child that will most likely believe in something else or not believe in anything at all. I'm very respectful of others religious beliefs but not sure how to handle that in a child that comes to me as a teen. Also i know they will have a lot of issues with grief, abuse, neglect and abandonment but i'm not sure how to answer those questions besides that i will listen, let them know they can talk to me about anything, and participate in therapy however he needs. My family is completely supportive of me adopting and will want to be involved and will help advise me in these issues but i must admit its all a bit overwhelming the way they've worded it in the profile (and i realize they do that in the best interest of the child so please don't take any of this as a complaint). With that being said, how do i get that experience without being a parent to begin with? I have read many of the forums here and gotten some ideas, and i know there are books out there but i think some of this must be on-the-job training and i'm afraid if i answer something wrong then maybe they won't let me adopt. the same people reading the profile are teaching the class. will they take everything into account or will i be disqualified if i say i will listen to them about their grief and the state is looking for a different answer?

[peregrinerose]

Just answer the questions as honestly as you can. I think half the point of those questions is to get you thinking about issues that you may not have considered with child-raising prior to going down this road. Every family is different.... they want to get a feel for you who are and what makes you tick so that they can match you with a child that would benefit from the tools in your particular arsenal. Not every kid is a good match with every family. It's not in your best interests or your future childrens' to answer by way of what you think they want to hear.

Like you, we have no bio kids (and we never wanted any... adoption is how we always wanted to grow our family). We are non-religious. We believe there's no such thing as an expert parent, as the only way to learn to be a parent is by parenting. With our son, we told him flat out that we have no idea what we're doing as parents, and that we are 100% guaranteed to make mistakes. We told him that he'll need to be as willing to forgive our mistakes as we are willing to forgive his, as this is a learning process for us both. He was very surprised by that, and I think our candor actually helped him to trust us more quickly than he would have otherwise.

The biggest thing we've learned in 7 months is to always stay calm. No matter what's happening. We've dealt with sexting, assault, school laziness, anger, screaming, testing our consistency with our rules, and some RAD... We are always calm with him (even though in our heads we may be reeling!) and the big thing is constant reassurance that we love him and will always be there for him. The days he's screaming he hates us, we tell him that he's allowed to hate us, that is perfectly ok and we won't try to change that. However, nothing he says or does will stop us from loving him. That consistency is a big deal for him.

[wannabeadad]

I appreciate the tips. i think when the time comes i will also tell my son that I'm new to the whole parent thing because if i don't tell him he's sure to realize it quickly anyway and i can see where it would help to build up trust to confess that to him on my own rather than trying to fake it. Being an uncle has taught me unconditional love for a child that wasn't born to me and I'm very patient with kids. its really the discipline and structure i have will have to pick up as i go with it. and my sisters will be around to help advise me with that too.

[wannabeadad]

you said you are also non-religious. if you don't mind me asking, does your son have any interest in religion? is it the same religion as yours or similar? and how would you handle it if he wanted to be religious and wanted you to be involved? since the chances are that when i adopt he won't be Jewish, i'm not sure how i would handle it if he expressed interest in being actively involved in a religion i don't believe in. I mean i wouldn't discourage him at all but i am not sure if its something i could participate in with him.

[jeffw]

Originally Posted by wannabeadad

I've read up on RAD on the forums here. I know its common but do all the kids in foster care have it? and can a child that age eventually bond as a younger child would or is that too much to expect?

Real RAD comes from neglect/abuse as an infant. I don't know how common it is. However I do know that some kind of attachment trauma is very common. Its a simple side effect of being passed around between families. Kids have been hurt so often that they resist attachment and the trust that goes with it. You can get some really bad behaviors out of that and out of other specific traumas that they have endured. RAD kids, on the other hand, simply don't know how to trust. Trust is a a completely foreign concept to them. So is empathy, an important ingredient for conscience. The behaviors you get out of RAD are extreme, even dangerous. You can't help a RAD teenager unless they recognize their problem and decide to let you help. It can happen but it is uncommon since they don't trust you.

For an idea on what traumas can do to kids, read "The Boy Who Was Raised As A Dog" by Bruce Perry. Its a book that is hard to put down.

[peregrinerose]

Originally Posted by wannabeadad

you said you are also non-religious. if you don't mind me asking, does your son have any interest in religion? is it the same religion as yours or similar? and how would you handle it if he wanted to be religious and wanted you to be involved? since the chances are that when i adopt he won't be Jewish, i'm not sure how i would handle it if he expressed interest in being actively involved in a religion i don't believe in. I mean i wouldn't discourage him at all but i am not sure if its something i could participate in with him.

Our son has no interest in religion at all and no desire to start going to church. As a teenager, he's old enough to make that call for himself, so we respect his decision. If he changed his mind and wanted to attend a church, we'd support that option as well and ensure that he has the opportunity to attend. Our friends are of every possible religious slant from athiest to Hindu, so he's exposed to a lot of different ideologies, which is exactly what we want. We encourage him to think, to ask questions, to formulate opinions based on solid factual information, and to stay openminded.

We would not actively participate in our child's religion... that is blatantly disrespectful to believers and hypocritical to ourselves, so not something we're willing to do.

RAD is different for every kid... some, like our son, isn't bad to deal with at all.... he doesn't lie, he has empathy, however he has no ability to trust and his relationships are very superficial. Others do lie, are cruel, and act out. Take each kid as they come, give them the chance to show you who they are and what their needs are. Before meeting a kid, ask their case workers, therapists, etc a LOT of questions to get a feel for who that child is and whether or not you have the resources to help them.

[wannabeadad]

thanks i'll be sure to ask about RAD issues at the proper time.

[wannabeadad]

Yeah i also have friends that are Christian that have already offered to take him to church if he expresses an interest, but I wouldn't be able to participate and he would have to be made to understand that its not something we could do as a family. but I also feel that it is his own choice and doesn't have to be the same as mine. My only fear in that is that some religious people believe everyone in their lives need to believe the same way and if he came home from church telling me that i am going to hell if i don't believe then we would have a problem.

I also have two cats and in fairness to them I will need to be sure that a child i take into my home is safe with pets. I can deal with issues of acting out, but not against innocent animals. He can act out against me but not them. Does that seem to be much of a problem or are most of these kids ok with pets?