[calgarymom]

After 18 months of waiting, I was matched with a 12 year-old-girl. My child desired was an 8 to 12 year-old boy, So it was a bit of adjustment getting the girl, and I wouldn't trade her for the world. She has been with us for over two months, and most days I feel like she is the missing puzzle piece... and other days, I wonder how I can get through the hour.

I also have a bio 16 year-old boy that is border-line aspergers, and he is loving having her around, but is definately having more adjustment issues than my 12 year-old.

So, as a single, new to adoption, mom, I am asking those of you that have adopted older kids...

What worked well for you?

What do you wish you had done differently?

Can't wait to read your ideas! And thanks!!

[love4]

I adopted 11 and 12 year old girls two separate occassions. It was a big adjustment for all of us. There were many tests to see if I would send them back. My youngest had been in many placements. They are now 21 and 24. I also adopted two infants before them and they are now 34 and 31.

[Mkuhlmann06]

I adopted a boy and a girl, they were each 11 at placement, but were place separately and several years apart. Tweens can be hard...all the hormones and puberty. It was a big adjustment for each. Have no special advice or ideas... as Im still trying to figure out what is and isn't working!

[mellaf]

lol, be ready for the hormones. Only advice I can give

[Lynn Barry]

Good luck, first of all...have an open mind...and what I am about to share might scare you off but it happened to me so I am being perfectly honest...
I gave birth to a son and then five years later gave birth to a second son. It was hard work to get pregnant for me, only ovulated some of the time, so at any rate after seeing a book in the library about adopting an older child my husband and I decided to look into this. We figured we could try for sister, so we would have sons and daughters. The process was two years and in the end we took home a five year old foster child, our sons were 9 and 4 at the time. Our nine year old had the hardest time it seems, no major problem but it was like he resented all the attention she was getting from everyone. Not sure, but his adjustment seemed harder than the 4 year old who getting a pal close to his age. Fast forward...they were 11, 12, and 16 when I became pregnant, was not expecting this as I had not been on birth control and assumed I was done. The hardest part was how our daughter never really seemed to act like she was a part of the family...she would always say, "you guys" and I would remind her that it wasn't her and us we were all a family.
Our daughter looks different than any of the family, she is tri-racial. At any rate, teen years were challenging. As soon as she graduated she moved out. She became pregnant a year later by her high school boyfriend and we encouraged them to marry which they did. Three years later I got a call from her asking if I would help her find her birth relatives. I did and a year after that she left her husband and took their child to live in the neighborhood her birth relatives live in. The past 8 years we have had very little contact with her. We try but she seems to want the life she has there and not have a relationship with anyone not living there. She has had three sons by a guy her b-dad raised. So he had the life she missed out because the b-dad was in jail and she was put in foster care.
I am telling you this why? I want you to love both of your kids and keep an open mind that the reality is your 12 year old did not come alone...this is the reality of your new family and your 16 year old cares deeply and many factors come into play with the family dynamics...my sons are hurt because they feel rejected by their sister...their sister who chose to go back to the life she was removed from...she has never been unpleasant towards any of those who raised her...just absent and disinterested in working at any kind of relationship...

You asked I told...I you get the help you need to cope with your situation...I never imagined I would feel abandoned but I do...I am coping okay but only because I met love4 on this site and we are daily e-mail pals...supporting each other in ways others can't...HUGS GOOD LUCK! Keep an open mind. XO