[shecandoit]

As we consider a child for possible placement for adoption I am interested in what others consider the red flags that would make you really think twice. We are currently considering a preteen boy who has a history of being sexually molested by an older neighborhood child starting when he was four. It is unclear how long it lasted. Mom was addicted to crack when he was born. He is PTSD, ADHD. However, also a very smart kid, very athletic, has difficulty making attachments with peers. Neglect in the home, no known physical abuse. Thoughts?
Thanks.

[lucyjoy]

Have there been other sexual incidents involving this boy other then the one stated?

How does his PTSD present? What treatments have been pursued to help with this?

How many moves has he made and why?

Any disrupted adoption attempts and if so, why did they disrupt? Can you talk to previous foster or preadoptive families? If not, why not?

Has he bonded to anyone ever?

Those would be questions I would want answered to know what to expect in terms of behavior, therapy needs, and ability to handle family life or what he might need to be able to adjust in a family.

[momraine]

There are also things about your own family to consider. Lucy covered the questions to ask about the child. So then answer these questions about your family. Do you have other children in the home, if so how old are they? Are you going to be able to be home with him or will you need to find care for him during the day? Do you have a good support system? Do you have access to therapists who specialize in these issues? Have you researched RAD, PTSD, etc?

[MilehighDad]

I went back and checked your other posts and profile because Lorraine is right that with this kid the rest of your family should be considered. So, you have a daughter headed off to college and no younger kids, so those worries can be set aside.

I wouldn't put a lot of weight behind the issue when he was four unless it has created continuing issues since then. Foster parents and social workers tend to be hyper-sensitive to sexual issues so if there are any you should hear about them. If there are any, it is a very personal decision you need to make on what you can handle, and you should not expect that those issues will change significantly.

There are lots of posts about RAD on this board, so you've probably heard them already. RAD is very hard on parents, particularly moms, for a lot of reasons. You have to be emotionally strong and love the child with no hope of any love returned for many years. RAD makes a parent feel worthless and depressed, so if you are vulnerable to that it can be really rough.

I will say a bit more about PTSD, because that isn't talked about as much. Having a kid with PTSD is like living in a B-movie or on a set of Star Trek where your mind just doesn't even want to accept that it is real, but it is. Kids with PTSD can delete portions of their memory, collapse like they are unconscious when stressed, and jump back to a time in their past so that they don't know you, where they are, or how they got there. The missing memory is permanent, they can be unconscious for hours, and the flashbacks can last for hours until they fall asleep. It is really hard to get a teenager who thinks she is eight to fall asleep, particularly if there is a mirror in her room. If I'm describing it right, this sounds kind of crazy and unbelievable.

Living through PTSD episodes is extremely stressful. PTSD is generally triggered by stress, and kids are at their most stressed when they've done something wrong and it is punishment time. If you have a kid who dissociates (the unconsciousness) when they have broken a rule and are caught, it becomes really hard to figure out how to discipline them. Additionally, the stress of breaking the rule may cause them to delete the memory that they ever did anything wrong. And, I'm not talking about little things like stealing candy from the cupboard, I'm talking big things that would get adults sent to jail. How do you address, punish, or teach about anything that your kid has deleted from their memory? Also, there is the additional complication that they may just be lying about whether or not they know what you're talking about. All this can create a very, very challenging situation for the parents.

Sometimes, parents refuse to believe in the impact of PTSD and just ignore it. So, if the kid has done something wrong they are punished regardless. If PTSD is involved, this may undermine any trust the kid has in the parent because they remember being punished but have no idea why. The parent has no trust in the kid and sees them making no progress, because the kid refuses to ever acknowledge that they did anything wrong. Go down this road and the family is headed for a disruption because there is no trust and no way to make progress.

So far, I just wanted to give you some information. Don't take any of that as advice on whether you should adopt this preteen or not. Twice, we have looked at information like you have on him and decided we wanted to take that child into our family. We knew both times that it would be very hard. We knew the first time that we desperately wanted to change her life and give her a chance to heal and feel welcome in this world. We knew the second time that we had the capability to deal with what she would throw at us because we had been battle-tested. We don't yet know how their lives will turn out, but we have seen our oldest daughter make incredible progress. I have never regretted either decision to adopt.

So, my advice is that this kid will be one of the hard ones. If you're nervous about that, there are many, many kids in foster care who also need you desperately and won't present as intense of a challenge. If you're willing to take him on, do it with all your heart, your commitment, and a willingness to look at parenting differently than you have in the past. I wish you the best and thank you for getting involved for these kids.

[shecandoit]

I knew it was the right decision for me to post here as you all have given me some good things to think about. Let me see if I can answer all the questions.

This boy went into foster care at the the age of 10; went directly from the birth mother to foster care. He has been in the same foster home since. He has been very tight lipped in counseling. His doctor then changed his medication to prozac and he had a very hyper reaction, which eventually resulted in hospitalization, where he is now. He has been hospitalized for about three weeks while they evaluate and get medication settled. While he was very hyper, he finally disclosed the sexual abuse. It went on for awhile and looks like mom knew, but we don't know how long it went on. Thus far, he has not been fully diagnosed; they are working on that.

We know there is neglect as he came into foster care with little knowledge on basic things like how to use a fork and knife; clean yourself; put clothes on correctly, etc.

He is able to focus and thus is an A student in school, excellent athlete; does not do well without structure, not great with peers.

As for us, yes, we have an 18 yr. old headed to college in the fall. My husband and I both work fulltime. No family in town, and our support system is not real big. We have good friends to talk with but I do not feel we have the strength of the support systems some people have. He is getting excellent therapy and doctor care now (since his hospitalization) and our social workers will assist us in finding him good therapists. We know he responds well to cognitive behavioral therapy.

I appreciate the information on PTSD; I did not know all this info and will do more research. I have done a lot of research on RAD and do not believe this is an issue for him. He has some difficulties making relationships, loves his foster mom, and has attachment to one of his teachers. I am more concerned of the possibility of bipolar.

His current therapist has said that he is the 'most intact damaged kid he's seen.' I like to think that is a good sign.
Thanks.
Val

[Dhewco]

As a single man, my questions probably would be different than most others. For one, would the agency/worker even consider a single man?

Once I got past that, I would wonder about sexual acting out...what types, is he likely to in the future. As I understand things, I might not know this until after he's in the home....either because of cw/sw witholding or because they just don't know.

The crack thing worries me, too. Isn't there a drug version of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome with the same problems?

By itself, I could handle the ADHD. I've dealt with kids who've had that and kids that had minor oppositional issues (didn't seem so at the time, but now maybe minor).

The only PTSD I have any experience with is my dad's resulting from the Vietnam War. I'm betting it's different for this kid.

All that said, after doing some reading, you know what you can handle. Not trying to offend, but I'd do some praying with my studying. Go with what you receive from either.


David