[Crissy011]

Hi Everyone! Not sure where else to turn except to all of you experienced folks. My husband and I are scheduled to meet with the case worker this month to discuss permanancy. Our pre-adoptive son has been with us for 8 months now. Back before the holidays, we put "adoption" on the back burner for a while because there were some issues we were trying to work through with our son and the "adoption" piece was adding a lot of additional stress/tension to the household. Anyway, here's the problem. I'm not feeling "sure" of anything! I feel like I want this. I feel like I want to put the work and love into this relationship. The problem is that neither my husband or I feel completely in love/attached to this child. I think it will (hopefully) come with time, but this unknown really scares my husband. I think if my husband were on board, I'd be excited...but, I have the walls up to protect myself in case my husband decides he doesn't want to adopt. AHH! Such an ENORMOUS decision for all involved!! I guess I just needed a place to vent and if anyone has any thoughts...feel free to post them. Thanks in advance!!

[jeffw]

Originally Posted by Crissy011

The problem is that neither my husband or I feel completely in love/attached to this child.

I don't think it would be normal to be attached to an older adoptive kid in 8 months, especially if you've had some hurdles to get through. If you got into adopting an older child for self fulfillment then you're likely in over your head. Forget about the feeling of love. Maybe it will come and maybe it won't. People take on older special needs kids because of pure unselfish compassion. Can he be saved? Is he worth the effort it will take to save him? Can you make a decision to love him unconditionally for the next 11 years and then support him in adulthood even if you may never feel it?

[Crissy011]

It isn't that I necessarily want to feel that bond/attachment/love for me. It is more about the feeling of it being unfair to him. I guess what I'm saying is I wonder if "pretending" or "deciding" to love more than I really do is unfair to this child.

[filswife]

i hear ya, Crissy. It's tough stuff. We have a 14 y/o that has been with us for 3 months and it can be VERY tough. The question I keep coming back to is "can you choose your family?". Not normally. Will I ever send "B" back? Never. Will he drive me crazy sometimes? yes. DO my bio-kids drive me crazy sometimes? yes.
However, you also have to know your limits. Tell the cw what you are feeling. There is no rush as long as your boy is in a safe environment.

[aspenhall]

Honestly it took me years to love my daughter, and even sometimes I wonder if I really do. I'm committed 100%, but I rarely get the warm fuzzy cuddly feelings.

I do want her to succeed, and I am able to celebrate her accomplishments...but I'm just not the kind of person who "snuggles" and I wonder if it's me, and not her?

[kretzklan]

I totally know what you are saying! Our children have been here for over 3 years and I cannot say for sure that I'm 'in love' with them. But, I'm committed to healing them, committed to caring for them and fully able to give them hugs/kisses and positive words, along with the discipline and structure they need. I'm not a real touchy gal and therefore I parent our oldest bio son in much the same way as our younger two. These children have a past and that can color the way they want to be loved and the way you are able to love them - just like your personality colors such a thing. You should just be honest with the CW about what is going on. You should also be honest with your DH and allow him the same courtesy - but don't suffocate excitement that you may be feeling. Men are often different in their views - my DH is much more concrete than I am...

[Crissy011]

Thanks for all the responses so far! I appreciate it! I do think that I'm going to have to try to let the walls down and allow myself to feel more and be excited even if it does end up hurting me in the end. I have been honest with my husband about my feelings, but I don't want to push this on him or make him feel like he needs to make this decision because it is what I want. I want him to make it for himself too.

[MilehighDad]

I don't want to come across as harsh because I think you're doing a great thing. But, I think that somewhere along the way you got some bad advice. Here's how the foster care adoption process was introduced to us:

1. You do all the paperwork, homestudy, etc.
2. You match with a child or sibling group.
3. You have a disclosure meeting to learn all you can about the child or group. (See other threads for how inadequate this can be!)
4. You are asked to make a decision and commit to the child. If you pass and say no, that's fine. But, if you say yes, then from that day on you are making a commitment to be their parent and do your absolute best for them. They didn't even allow us to answer then, but to consider it for at least three days before giving an answer.

I'll skip the rest of the process, because this is where I think you got lost. The point is, at step 4 you haven't even met the child! I am saying this because I think you are looking at this completely in the wrong way. Parenting an older child from foster care is not about warm feelings or knowing it is right. It is about being a family for a child that has none, and that means that you commit your life to them and the advice you should have been given is that you do that before you even meet them.

I guess the question you should be asking is how could you possibly feel like you love them and they are yours if you allow yourself to say "If we adopt this child . . .". You passed that point months ago! This is your child and you have to stand up and take that responsibility now, even if it is hard. This is your child, there is no "if". In fact, making that commitment will actually solve your problem because then there is no "if", there is only "how" you are going to parent them.

If you do give up now, you will be damaging your son tremendously because he will have no reason to trust the next parents found for him, the process, or even adults in general. Disrupting an adoption is a terribly traumatic event for a child and I am personally appalled at some the reasons justified on this board for it. To me, not feeling "sure" you want it or that your husband is on board after 8 months of parenting your son is not even close to enough reason to give up. That's because as parents of any child, we all agree to put ourselves second and do what is best for our children.

So, I think you got bad advice because you are making the decision to keep him based on your feelings now. You should have made that decision long ago. So, here is what I think is the answer to your question: You will feel like you love your son and he belongs to you the day you commit to be his parent unconditionally. It won't happen a day sooner than that. He deserves your absolute commitment, that's what being his parent means.

[kretzklan]

From what I understood, this boy was placed as a foster child with the chance to adopt. I didn't do fost-adopt...but I tried and during our training we were told that children were not aware of wheter it was a foster home or a pre-adoptive placement until the family committed - which came later. So, I guess I don't know if MileHi was in that program. Since we never got matched or moved forward with a match we were offered...I could be totally off base. But, that is the info we received from our SW.

[Lorraine123]

My process happened just as Milehidad said. And I agree with him. Once you get to this point, its not about you, its about the child.

[filswife]

Once again, I am on the MileHighDad bandwagon! I must agree that you need to commit 100% to this child and decide "how" to parent him and not "if". If you are feeling "if", your child can sense it. All of his key adults in his life have been "if" and have failed. No child deserves that. My 14 y/o just recently started believing me that I was 100% behind him. I have told him time and time again that there are no "if's". WHen we hit bumps, we will find ways around them. That how families work. DO I love him? Absolutely... and more and more everyday. Is he a pain in the a$$ sometimes? of course! he's 14! Let your guard down a little and roll with it. It is a great ride....

[karenw]

I feel that it is not as cut and dried-he's in your house so you are obligated now. Yes, the committment has to be genuine and wholehearted, but if the situation is not healthy for the child in the long run it should not continue because you said you would. I see it a little like a divorce-yes this is a child not another adult-but most people enter into a marriage with 100% committment to make it work, and at times it is not possible. Parenting a traumatized kid, RAD or not, is an experience that cannot be truly understood until you are in it.
I think it would be wrong to ignore the fear/doubt or anxiety. My sense was that OP was doing a "gut check" and asking if the feelings are normal or a sign they are not right for this child. My advice is-do not assume you are wrong for this child because of ambivalent feelings. Face the feelings and see if you can find a way to grow with the experience and hope the warm feelings come. Expect the roller coaster to continue, and make sure you have the right kind of therapeutic help to support the child and your family.
Karen

[Crissy011]

I think what I was saying may have been a bit misunderstood. All I was saying was that I struggle with the fairness to a child if you are not feeling bonded to go forward with adoption just because you said you would. I think that mentality is not fair to the child. This is a huge decision that will affect everyone and should be in the best interest of everyone...not just because we said we wanted to "move forward" 8 months ago before we really even knew eachother. I have committed to him. I am the best parent I can be to him. However, I struggle with whether or not that is enough for him.

[Lorraine123]

I think that mentality is not fair to the child.

JMO - what would not be fair to the child is to go back on a commitment that you made. Now, if the child is violent or harming the family in that way, then I think things may be different. But, I don't think you can back out just because you don't feel bonded. I don't remember if this child has RAD, but if he does, you may never feel bonded. But you can still be a great parent to him. Again, my opinion, so take it for what its worth.

[lucyjoy]

I think if you are having doubts about finalizing, you shouldn't. I do think if you feel you may not ever bond with this child that it isn't fair to continue.

I adopted a child I couldn't bond to because I was committed to trying and he'd bounced around to much. It wasn't fair to him and it was horrible for my family. I did everything I could for him but it wasn't enough.

I think it's possible to love a child that can't bond to you but I do think it's a bad plan to try to parent a child you feel you can't bond to. It does cheat the child.

Yes, you made a commitment and yes, moving will cause him pain. However, I think growing up in a home with parents who aren't bonded to you is not healthy either.

Sometimes, a child and family just aren't a good match, no matter how hard people try.