[Crissy011]

I understand what everyone is saying. And, it is good to hear that most feel we can still be good parents without feeling completely bonded. I just felt like this child deserves to be loved unconditionally, like all children, and I hope that I can do that for him one day. And, as an aside, he doesn't know about adoption plans. He hasn't been told that. So, for everyone that feels I'm breaking a committment I made to him, that is not the case in this situation.

[humanchild]

I don't have any advice, just wanted to say that I truly appreciate this board and this thread. My preadopt son is 10, and has only been with me two months. I feel committed to him, and I plan on parenting him forever. I think I even love him. I tell him I love him. But really, I don't even know him yet! It is a hard dynamic, learning to love an older child that comes with his own history and baggage, and I appreciate having all the other people on this forum who understand that. I think the doubts are normal, it is, after all, a HUGE decision and commitment.

[MilehighDad]

Crissy,
Your last post doesn't change how I see it. You don't have a big decision coming up, the decision was months ago. The only way that you should consider not finalizing is if you just can't parent him anymore. If you are so beat down and frustrated by his behavior that you just can't take it anymore. But, even then, before giving up you should exhaust every option you have, including therapy for him and for you.

I don't think you're cheating him or cheating you if you don't feel bonded, that just happens sometimes. It falls in the category of: raising kids like this is emotionally hard. You want to feel happy and loving and sometimes you just don't. But, you are still his parents and what he deserves is your best and to never know you have personal misgivings inside.

My advice is to not even consider quitting. Like many things in life, as soon as think it is ok to fail, you're pretty much doomed. I also think these issues are about how you and your husband feel, so what have you done to address your feelings? Have you found a therapist to talk about how you are addressing it? Yes, I know you're online, but have you found support groups in your area to talk to others 1-on-1? I would suggest being careful talking to your social worker about this, though, because an over-zealous worker might just take things into their own hands and decide you're done.

I guess I just have one question: when you are thinking this is a decision you need to make, has it ever occurred to you that if you don't finalize, you'll never see your son again, not even a picture? Are you prepared to spend the rest of your life wondering how his life turned out?

I think you're more attached than you know, you're just having a hard time recognizing it.

[MilehighDad]

Ok, maybe I'm beating this too hard and I apologize if I am. But, I saw this on a Starbucks cup, and it just made me think of this thread and kind of how I think of what commitment means and feels like. So, here it is:

The Way I See It #76

The irony of commitment is that
it's deeply liberating - in work, in
play, in love. The act frees you
from the tyranny of your internal
critic, from the fear that likes to
dress itself up and parade around
as rational hesitation. To commit is
to remove your head as the barrier
to your life.

- Anne Morriss
Starbucks customer from New York City. She describes herself as an "organization builder, restless American citizen, optimist."

[Sdirector]

Such wisdom on a Starbucks cup!

When my wife and I took in our "new girl," We made a commitment to her, and to parent her. No matter what it takes.

There is a story about one of the explorers first coming to the new world, and how he burned his ships, because he felt that everyone's desire to succeed would be much higher when they did not have an easy way back.

So, no matter what it takes... I think that it is easier for me than for my wife at times, but we both know that there is no other option. If she was to leave our house, her chance at any type of life is over. I don't want to set us up as some type of "super-parents," but it is true in her case. The life that would await her out there, unless someone else were to step up, would be terrible.

I agree with Milehighdad... the decision was made months ago. Keep working at it. It does sound to me like your feelings are normal.

[lucyjoy]

I fail to understand the need to push the OP into keeping this child no matter what. If this is not a good match for the parents or the child, no amount of commitment will make this placement work. It is better to back out now, in my opinion, then to do it two years and tons of resentment later.

I do agree that at some point, before finalizing, a parent does have to make the commitment to parent no matter what it takes. But if a parent does this out of guilt or obligation, it won't ever work.

I would NOT want to be a child raised in a home with people who weren't sure they could ever love me. What a sad thought. And a parent cannot force themselves to love a child they feel no connection to.

[Lorraine123]

I understand what you are saying Lucy. I guess I can't understand how someone could have a child in their home for that long and feel no commitment to them. Love is an action, not a feeling. I have different feelings for all my children. Some are warm and fuzzy, some are simply taking care of their needs. I think people get too caught up in the snuggliness of love. Love is hard work. Love takes 100% commitment. Love creats a lot of pain. Many of us have children that are hard to love, but we are commited to giving them the best life that we can. To me, that is love.

I guess I agree in that if she feels that she can't commit to this child, he deserves someone that can. But I think thats part of the problem of our society. People want the good feelings without the hard work. Sometimes the good feelings don't come, but you keep up the hard work anyway. To me, that tells alot about a person. JMO.

Now - if the child has issues beyond what you can handle - violence, medical needs, whatever, then I agree, don't commit. You must jump in with both feet and keep going.

[lucyjoy]

I had a child in my home that long, felt this guilt commitment to continue without any connection, did so for 9 years of hell and regret every minute of it.

I do see how one can have a child this long, want to do what they feel they "should" but know that it's not a good connection or a good fit. To me, this is the time to stop and let the child go to a family he is more suited to.

If I could do it all over, that one child would not have stayed with us. I don't know if he'd have been better off or not but I know the rest of my family would have been.

[Crissy011]

We believe that we are on the road to adoption. However, we are not ready to sign on the dotted line just yet. We have issues/feelings that need to be worked on in the meantime. In the end, we will do what we feel is best for everyone involved...Thanks again for all the responses.

[filswife]

Originally Posted by Sdirector

Such wisdom on a Starbucks cup!



There is a story about one of the explorers first coming to the new world, and how he burned his ships, because he felt that everyone's desire to succeed would be much higher when they did not have an easy way back.

I LOVE this notion. I have said this to my FS as well. a few weeks ago, he and I had a blow out and he called a family member for ride out of here. LONG story short, he is still with us and we have discussed being a family means when we hit bumps, we navigate AROUND them, we don't run away from them. There will be NO MORE running away when things get dicey. Face things and deal with them. that's how we are going to play this.
so far, so good.

[ejcimd]

I can see how you are worried... It's a big decision, and at least on my end (We've had our girl home for 10 weeks) it's been rough. We knew what to expect but after visitation from September 2008 to placement February 2009 I was still whiplashed by this girl's anger when we saw it for the very first time the weekend before she moved in. She raged for hours, I had to call her FM to let her know what was going on and that I'd bring her home as soon as it was safe and reasonable to do so.

I don't know what your experiencing in your home with your child but I know that in my house we are still keeping this girl. She is 14, we are her 5th (we were told 3rd) adoptive placement, she has lived in 13 foster homes and 3 group homes (which were explained to us as a place she went only because they had not foster homes available) Cough, cough BS....

Anyway, it's tough... I care about her, I don't feel any sappy love feelings but that's not my personality anyway. I hurt for her suffering and loneliness. If you met my girl you would not believe the words that come out of her mouth in a tantrum... WOW!!!

You can only make your choice based on your feeling but if your kiddo is not hurting anyone, maybe it will turn into love over time. He needs a home and no one can do well in life having been moved multiple times. It's hard to trust anyone after a while...

But do what is best for you and only you know what that is for sure. Sometimes you don't know and that's okay too. How about counseling for yourselves?

IC

[ksmarch4]

I do not have the experience yet as we are just doing our homestudy, but I agree with the past posters who said you made a committment and should stand by it. We were told this right in our classes. When we get matched with a child/ren we do not even get to see their pictures. We have to make a committment to them based on files sight unseen! I really think you are probably more attached than you think and if you are having doubts, that is a good thing. If you felt you were never ever going to love the child, or the child was hurting your other child in some way, maybe and just maybe it would be a consideration. It sounds to me like this kid really needs you and you need him.