[filswife]

Wow... I haven't posted here since I adopted S 3 years ago! ANyway, we have just taken on a 14 year old boy 2 months ago. he is very sweet and compassionate but when he gets mad, get out of the way. He is not violent to others (thank GOD) but he is WAY more intense than any of my kids have ever been. the nutshell story is, his biodad is an abusive alcoholic, his mom died 2 years ago and his stepfather doesnt like him so he is here with our family. Step dad is controlling...even still. and even extended family is offering up advice to me.. but none of them "can take him in their families". He has had a couple of blow ups and the one last week was pretty major. There is SO much to type on this I just do not even know where to go here!!!! I am having a hard time finding any books or blogs on similiar topics. I am going to have him screened to ODD. He is good most of the time but when he gets triggered, it's just a bad scene. AND HE IS 14 TO BOOT! (not my favorite age!)
ANyway, I guess I am looking for just support in this and this message board was so helpful with my AD that I knew I could come here and vent....

[aspenhall]

I believe there's actually about called "The explosive child" or something similar....

I know others will have better advice for you. Have you considered him being bi-polar? Can he truly not control himself, or is it only if he's stressed? Has he ever been triggered and maintained control?

When you discuss it with him, how does he react?

[filswife]

I have considered LOTS of things. Reading up on bi-polar, and actually having that in my own family tree, I am not sure it is quite the right fit.
I am trying to get him scheduled with a psychiatrist since he is not connecting at all with his new therapist. His stepfather is also not making this an easy transition. "B" stresses way out when he has to have contact with stepdad, so I KNOW that's a trigger. I am figuring out things that are definitely triggers for him and this past week, I have been able to keep him at bay and get through it pretty calmly. There is going to come a point where My dh and I want legal guardianship. I have so much faith in this child that he can be and do great things. I am going to google that book title and see what I find. Thank you.

[lucyjoy]

Can you pinpoint triggers?

With ODD how you phrase things makes a huge difference. "do the dishes gets" gets an anger response where as saying "you can watch tv when the dishes are done" or "You can do the dishes before or after homework". It takes the fight response chemicals out of the picture.

PTSD reactions from abuse are triggered by many different things. An accidental bump could be met with an angry response.

If the family has a history of bi-polar that may be worth exploring as well.

Hope you are able to find some answers.

He may just have a lot of anger and no coping skills to deal with it.

[filswife]

You are right. He has been in a therpeutic boarding school for 15 months, immediately following the death of his mother. I would think they would have done Psych evals etc. "B" knows the coping skills. When I mention trying "x" or "y" he rolls his eyes. He thinks that he forgets to use the coping skills when the emotions set in. That is something I can try to work on with him. I have GAD myself so I can at least help there.
I HAVE been able to pinpoint certain triggers. I have been spending alot of time observing him to find out what gets him going (happy or sad or mad or whatever). I think he was really getting annoyed with me at the beginning of it all asking him "are you ok?" and the like so I have backed off there. I also know when he wants to talk to me. I can tell. So, that is good. I think things will work themselves out. I feel like maybe I just need to start at the beginning and even though he has been in therapeutic schools etc., I need some answers and skills for me and for him.
He mentioned to me the other day that he would just like to be stuck in the "family bubble" for a while without any outside advice (aka, stepdad, aunts, etc) and input. That makes sense to me. Maybe I should just ask that everyone leave us be for a time to let us figure out our new family dynamic and get some stability.
He has also mentioned to me that he "possibly feels like I am trying to replace" his mom. (He had been showing anger ans resentment towards me for a couple of weeks when we had this discussion)
Maybe I should journal everyday about all of this. hmmm...

[humanchild]

I have to second the book "The Explosive Child". P's therapist gave me a copy of a chapter of that book, and I rushed out to buy it, I found it VERY helpful. good luck! Does he have a therapist currently?

[MilehighDad]

I think you have listed more than enough reasons why he should be very angry and scared about his future. His life has been a mess and when he's rational he can see that being with you is a good thing, but when he starts to get angry, all he can see is that life stinks. It really sounds like you are doing the right things, and with time hopefully his fears will ease and he will be better able to control his outbursts.

I wouldn't look for any more diagnosis or medications, because just the trauma of his life is more than enough to explain how he is now acting. Also, don't forget that at 14, puberty is making it hard for even the best-adjusted teenage boy to control his anger.

I'm sure it is very stressful and difficult for you, in particular keeping the other kids out of the way when he blows up is hard. But, if you have hope and love for him you can help him get past his struggles, just make sure to keep letting him know that.

Good luck!

[lovemy6]

Many of my kids used anger to mask their fear and sadness, bc it was safer in their eyes. Once we were able to get them to talk about their fears and sadness to us, and they saw we were safe to voice their feelings with, they became a lot less angry! It took 6-9 months for it to happen, in therapy, but it worked!

I'm sure your fs is just full of sad and scared!

[filswife]

Thank you for your support. Really. It means alot to me.
You are right about not looking to more meds and diagnoses right now. He has also been good about expressing his concerns for stability to me the past few days. I haven't been pushing at all.... just letting him know he can talk when he is ready. Last night he had said something interesting to me. He was asking me what would be a a major error on is part where we would send him back. I couldn't think of one. He starting asking specifics etc.... anyway... He said "You know, I want you to be my legal guardian." and I said "just me? with or without your stepdad?" (stepdad doesnt want him which is why he is with me but stepdad has legal guardianship right now). "B" told me, after a long pause, that he wants me, and stepdad for a back up. I didn't get into that last night with him but I don't want him to want a man who doesn't want HIM as a BACK UP! So, i know it''s all still new but I am really hopeful that at some point he will feel secure enough with us that he knows he does not need a back up. He has been through the trenches and I just want him to enjoy the rest of his teen years without having to struggle with all these "grown up" issues! I want him to be able to relax. It's so hard to watch... he is really such a sweet boy.
How do I go forth with this stepdad in the mix? Right now, we all want just to be in our "family bubble" with no interference from stepdad or aunts, etc. We just want to figure out the new family dynamic and try to gain some stability there. I don't feel i would be out of line telling stepdad to back off.... He is controlling but he doesnt want this child so maybe he secretly WANTS me to say something like that anyway.... who knows.... and a legal question: the state is not involved here. so right now "B" is voluntarily here and we would very much like to move forward with being legal... woudl this just be a matter of telling stepdad this? he knows of our intentions but he says he is not "ready to give up control" yet.... :roll:

[MilehighDad]

I don't know how the legal ramifications work in your case, but i do think that having it be official in some way will help him feel more secure. If that means you can get guardianship it will help. For our oldest, it was huge when she was our daughter "as if she had been born to us," instead of just being placed by social services. Her fear of being rejected is still significant, but that was the one thing that put a big dent in it.

[filswife]

I agree with you. I think he will feel much more at ease if he is "legally here". That will be a big step. I do, however think having stepdad OUT of the picture is key. Stepdad has been very candid with the fact that if "B" came back there, he wouldnt be there long, and has threatened many times to call "the state" to take "B"... all this right to "B"'s face. I am trying my best to make him feel comfortable... and I know it's only been a bit over 2 months but I am hopeful he will get there. Each one on one conversation I have with him makes the connection stronger.
I may just call a lawyer anyway to find out what I need exactly to get this moving. Stepdad has said he spoke to HIS lawyer and its a 3-5 month process (of which he said he would financially front) but this is with him and I as "co-guardians" which doesnt sound all that pleasant to me. I have a husband to co-parent with and don't really feel like I need another one.... hmmm....

[lovemy6]

I would go ahead and get fp licensed. That way if sf calls dcfs, they'll not only leave fs with you, but pay you the subsidy as well!

[filswife]

good idea. We are very close to being certified as fp anyway. We took the classes and have homestudy done and all that jazz. I think it's really a matter of a phone call and a homestudy update.
i spoke with sf yesterday and told him that essentially we will call him if we need him and that we need to be left alone to figure this new family dynamicc out. He was totally onboard with that. Phew! I wondere need how that would go and it was fine.
I will be making a few phone calls today and see what needs to be done on our part.
In the meantime, I'll be ordering "the explosive child".
With all of your fc's, what have you been able to say to help ease their security?