[greenmama]

Other than a photo book, did you give any gifts or stuff to your to-be-adopted child at transition visits? If so, what? Every time or just the first time?

[Binny]

Good question I wonder this too. When do you get to see your little one for the first visit?

[crick]

We gave our kids a stuffed animal on the last visit before they moved in. We had a two week "break" between that visit and the moving so we wanted them to have something to remind them of us. We also gave them more pictures for their life book etc.

On our first unsupervised visit where we took them to the park, I had a bucket of bubbles/balls etc. that they could play with and it was theirs for when we were together. I didn't let them take it back to the foster home though and told them it was our family activity bucket. Then of course when they moved in, it was theirs/ours. (just my way of trying to come up with something that would help them see "family")

That was it really, and when they did move in, I didn't give them everything they had gotten as gifts because it is too overwhelming, imo. I spaced out the new toys etc. over time.

I think gifts at every visit would be too much personally. I think it could cause the kids to expect that and think that is what it's all about. Just my opinion on that.

[jeffw]

We sent a photo book head of us for the first visit. It had a few pictures of us and a lot of pictures showing the kinds of fun things we do, showing our house, their new room, and the community. Their counselor went through it with them. We were told that they were opposed to being adopted but that after seeing the book they were eager. It would not have been as successful if we would have showed it to them during the first visit. The visit was too tense for them to think about so many things that a book would bring up.

We didn't bring any gifts to the visit. Instead we showed interest in them and the stuff they already had. They showed us around the house and the yard. We didn't talk about the past or the future.

[aspenhall]

We brought a small stuffed toy...and a photo book to let her keep...

After that there weren't any presents except christmas. Anything she needed we just bought slowly and placed in her room....

[greenmama]

We were advised not to bring anything which has been tough. We've now had 3 meetings and they've been great...so I guess the advice was sound. To combat my need to shop for him, though, I've been filling his room with stuff. He'll be surprised when he comes here next weekend for sure!

[humanchild]

I gave J a scrapbook with pictures of my house, his room, the cats, the local playground, and pictures of me doing things with previous foster kids like the zoo and the museum. No presents until after he moved in, and I think that is the way to go. While doing preplacement visits with P, we went to the science museum and I bought him a present in the gift shop, and I always wished I hadn't because it set up the expectation of a present every time we went out.

[MilehighDad]

We gave both of our older daughters scrapbooks to get to know us. On later visits, we took pictures and gave them the pictures to keep of us with them. For our latest placement, who is 11, we gave her a stuffed animal when we left the state after our first meeting. When we said goodbye, my wife also impulsively took off her necklace and put it around our new daughter's neck. After four months in our home, the necklace is still very important to her, but she never assigned much significance to the stuffed animal. We also let her buy a couple of small items during weekend visits, but some of those were practical, like a new pair of shoes after she totally soaked the only pair she had with her after falling into a stream.

I think the advice to not buy anything is generally good, but it is also aimed at a very strong tendency parents have to get carried away. You shouldn't walk in holding a gift in front of you like you're exchanging it for acceptance. I think certainly on the very first meeting you shouldn't plan to give anything unless it is going to be a while until you see them again.

good luck!