[krisrose]

I'm in the process of adopting a 12-year-old girl who has lived with me for the past 9 months. She has called me by my first name ever since she moved in. Tonight, in our family counseling session, her therapist confronted her with not calling me mom. She said "I can never call her mom." and "I can't call anyone who is not my birthmom my mom." She also said she views me as her "guardian."

I know you're not supposed to force the issue and I never have. We even had a conversation about it when she first moved in and I said she can call me mom when and if she gets comfortable with it or call me by my first name. But hearing her say "never" and that she thinks of me as her "guardian" was very painful. I want her to think of us as a family and I'm afraid that might never happen. For those of you who have adopted older kids, what has been your experience with the name calling?

[Bamamom07]

We are planning to adopt our four soon. The two boys, who we've had the longest, still mostly call me by my first name. The two girls, including a teenager, started calling me mom right away. They all call my husband dad. When each of them came to us, I told them they could call me mom, my name, or mom and my name- their choice. I do 90% of the childcare duties, and much as I remind myself to wait for the boys to start calling me mom on their own, I do feel pained by the fact they don't yet, especially when they called husband dad from day one. I know part of that stems from the fact that I've never referred to him in their presence by his name, but just dad. Also, one of the boys had continued to hope until recently his mother would be able to care for him. He also had been moved so much and had more prior "moms" than he can remember. It feels kinda strange when we're in public sometimes, and some of my kids call me mom and some don't. I so badly want to be called mom by all of them. The love is there, and I'm hoping when the adoption is official, they'll be ready. The psychologist says don't make an issue out of it, but when I become officially mom, it'll be very hard to accept not being called mom.

[TxMom65]

Mine was 8 and called me mom from day 1. Not that it made her love me as mom that soon. She had been shuffled around for years and didn't even remember living with her birthmom.

[millie58]

Mom plus first name when they first came. I gave them the choice (not wanting to feel like I was cutting bio mom out completely). I gave them the option of: mom, Mom Millie, Aunt Millie, miss Millie (in my family, kids don't call adults by their first name). Of all the kids I've had, one 10 yo girl was the only one to call me mom. all the others called me Mom Millie. My 14 yo (who I got at 11) called me mom before his bio brother but it took him awhile.

[aspenhall]

I told my daughter that MOM isn't a name, it's a job title. And that when she lived with S who did that job, then she called me by my first name and her mom....but since she lives here and I do that job, I get that name and we call S by her firstname. Her title is first mom, or other mom, or birth mom.

So from the first little bit, I've been mom. It was a respect thing. Respect for the job I do. It sounds like your dd is in denial that she does indeed have *2* moms. And she needs to understand that when she gets married, she'll gain ANOTHER mom. Adding moms is something she needs to get used to.

Also she may be guarding her heart against another mom to let her down.

[kretzklan]

My kids called me mom from day 1 (well, mama in the very beginning). Our therapist talks about that word as being respectful and that it means more than just a name for me. I am a person who earns that name with my care for them and they are to address me like that with kindness and respect. He has asked that they answer me with 'yes, mom' and eye contact everytime. They were 6 and 7 at homecoming. I just read someone else who mentioned (on another thread) all the cool names you could use for mom. Like Madre or some other languages...perhaps you and she can brainstorm some of those and she can find one she likes.

[Bamamom07]

Very good point, Kretzklan. Although respect is very important to me to teach my kids, I am just recently learning through reading on attachment disorder how extremely important it is to take it up a notch with our older foster/adoptive kids. I am convinced that when the adoption goes through, if they haven't made that transition to calling me mom yet, I will insist on it based on respecting my position and what I do in caring for them. I have also begun increasing to stress the importance of respect in our home.

[greenmama]

I wonder if it's possible that she's just waiting for the adoption to be finalized because then you'd *really* be her mom?

[Denise1969]

I'm an older adoptee who has never referred to my aparents as "mom and dad". I was placed in foster care at the age of 6 due to my birth mother suffering from a mental illness that left her unable to care for me. I bounced around in the system until the age of 7 when I came to live with my legal guardians who eventually became my adoptive parents. Initially I tried to call my amom "mom" but it didn't feel right. In fact, it made me feel very uncomfortable. Not because I didn't consider her to be my "mother" but I felt that it would be disloyal and hurtful to my birth mother.

You must understand as older adoptee's we have experienced so much (being uprooted from the only environment we have ever known, to being placed in homes with new parents at every turn) and it can be quite confusing for us to comprehend. It is a life changing event in our lives, even if it's for the best.

I don't believe that a child should be forced to call their parents "mom and dad". If a child is more comfortable referring to you by your first name then that should be okay. Please don't take it personally. It doesn't make you any less of a mother in our eyes.

I love my adoptive parents (although we have our issues) just as much as I loved my birth mother (she is now deceased). I am now 39 years old and to this day I still refer to my parents by their first names.

~Denise

[millie58]

I gave my kids those choices as I didn't want them to feel like they had to choose. I put the "miss", "aunt" or "mom" in front for respect.

[greenmama]

I wouldn't be ok with being called by my first name AFTER an adoption was finalized. If not "mom and dad" then we'd need to come up with another nickname...it's a respect thing IMO

[aspenhall]

I understand the perspective of "only one mom", and she can't be replaced.... but you need to understand it's the difference between an adoptive parent saying "My daughter" and saying "The kid I'm taking care of". Both statements are true, but one is filled with love and reflects a connection. It would be hurtful to the adoptee to hear their parents say this, and it's no less painful for us. I don't mind SHARING the title....but I at least deserve a unique name that reflects the connection/bond and place in my childs life.

There needs to be an acknowledgement of a deeper connection in my opinion. To trivialize the tiotle to a simple first name makes the relationship casual. Words are powerful....If not "mom" than another name with the same meaning.

[peregrinerose]

I differ. I don't think I "deserve" to be called 'mom'. My son didn't choose to have the life he did, he didn't chose to be in foster care for 15 years, he didn't choose to have 3 failed adoptive attempts over the years. He didn't even really choose us... we were his only option, versus staying in foster care, and we were the lesser of two evils.

I chose to adopt due to motivations entirely of my own, same with my husband. That doesn't make us 'deserve' a title. Love and bonds are hard to build, and an adoptive parent needs to have a far stronger ego than one that gets rattled just by not being called 'mom' or 'dad'.... seriously, if that's the biggest problem in your life, you're in good shape!

As long as our son is respectful toward us, I don't care what he calls us. He usually does call us mom and dad, but he also refers to a lot of other people by the same titles.. 30 foster placements will do that to a kid.... how many moms and dads have these kids seen? There's nothing special about the title to many of them, it's been warped over the years.

What matters is what's in that child's heart, the trust and love that takes years to grow.

[its_a_small_world]

Our son was 8 when he came to us and was with us for about 9 months before he started calling us Mom and Dad. Before that, we let him calls us by our first names.

My husband and I started referring to each other "Mom" and "Dad" and he eventually started to toggle between our first names and Mom & Dad. He called my husband Dad way more than me as Mom. Within a month of that he called us Mom & Dad completely. From the beginning though, he introduced us his parents and would refer to us as his Mom & Dad if talking to other people ie, "Let me ask my Mom if I can go out".

We didn't want to force anything on him, felt it was his choice. It was nice to be called Mom for the first time though. THese days, I hear my name about a million times a day from him!

A funny thing to note, my son has a full bio brother who is a year younger than him, has been with his family for 2 years longer than my son was with us and still calls his parents by their first names from time to time. His brother was adopted 1 week before we adopted our son.

[greenmama]

AS(tobe) is 9...we are "Mama" and "Dad"