[millie58]

aspenhall: well put

Pereingrose: I understand what you're saying. However, kids NEVER call adults by their first name. That puts them on the same level and they're not. My boys didn't choose their life. However, this is the hand that they were dealt. That can't be changed. Love ands bonds have to be built, this is true. I started building them when I started taking care of them: feeding, clothing, spending time with them. I don't take anything from their birth mom. I encouraged visits. But they recognize that sometimes kids have more than "only one mom".

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by peregrinerose

I differ. I don't think I "deserve" to be called 'mom'. My son didn't choose to have the life he did, he didn't chose to be in foster care for 15 years, he didn't choose to have 3 failed adoptive attempts over the years. He didn't even really choose us... we were his only option, versus staying in foster care, and we were the lesser of two evils.

I chose to adopt due to motivations entirely of my own, same with my husband. That doesn't make us 'deserve' a title. Love and bonds are hard to build, and an adoptive parent needs to have a far stronger ego than one that gets rattled just by not being called 'mom' or 'dad'.... seriously, if that's the biggest problem in your life, you're in good shape!

As long as our son is respectful toward us, I don't care what he calls us. He usually does call us mom and dad, but he also refers to a lot of other people by the same titles.. 30 foster placements will do that to a kid.... how many moms and dads have these kids seen? There's nothing special about the title to many of them, it's been warped over the years.

What matters is what's in that child's heart, the trust and love that takes years to grow.

THANK YOU>>>THANK YOU for attempting to understand how it is for the child.

For those of you that are de3manding respect Ihave to ask ...you really think them calling you mom is going to garnish automic respect???? They may do it because they are powerless and have been there whole short little lives ..but you will NEVER force the feeling behind it. If in fact you have the urge to call them the kid I adopted as opposed to my child, if you can not understand that adoption was for them and not to just give you a tiltle then why did you adopt? This hit my heart like a ton of bricks...I cna't imagine as ana doptee, an older on being forced to call anyone anthing if I didn't feel comfortable.

OP...I think maybe its more of an issue of respecting your childs feelings and the trauma they have been through. I beleive that your child has a hint that how they feel is unimportant then they may mouth the word mom but not mean it...it can't be forced and no matter how good you are to them they have been so hurt from the adults in their lives, even the onesthey call mom, they can not even fathom calling anyone elsae mom. IF in fact you continue to respect the hurt they have been through, respect how they actual came to you to be mothered, respect their feelings evetually they will come to a place that they call you mom and mean it.

Isn't that a risk you take when you adopt older children?

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by millie58

aspenhall: well put

Pereingrose: I understand what you're saying. However, kids NEVER call adults by their first name. That puts them on the same level and they're not. My boys didn't choose their life. However, this is the hand that they were dealt. That can't be changed. Love ands bonds have to be built, this is true. I started building them when I started taking care of them: feeding, clothing, spending time with them. I don't take anything from their birth mom. I encouraged visits. But they recognize that sometimes kids have more than "only one mom".

Then find someother name.....YOU made the choice to clothe them and feed them.....that is only a small psrt of parenting these kids..the other big part is making them feel as if they are worth living in your house...not the other way around.

Didanyone listen to the actual person that posted here that has lived it...are you listening?

[peregrinerose]

Originally Posted by dpen6

Then find someother name.....YOU made the choice to clothe them and feed them.....that is only a small psrt of parenting these kids..the other big part is making them feel as if they are worth living in your house...not the other way around.

Didanyone listen to the actual person that posted here that has lived it...are you listening?

From my stance, I called my parents mom and dad my entire life. They beat, molested, and abused me in inhuman ways. They were the first people that taught me that the word and the emotion can be two separate things. I may have hated life at the time, but what I went through, although never in foster care, really did help with giving perspective on teenage adoptions since so many things are still fresh in my head.

That said, last weekend when I got a hug from our son and he said "I love you mom" after a very rough weekend for all of us, my heart completely melted. He may have his challenges as our kid, but the rewards of working with him and being patient with him, at least so far, far outweigh the stresses. The sincerity of affection in his voice was priceless to me.

[mommytoEli]

when my kids were 8 and 9 and still my foster children, ds started calling me mom almost immediately...even when we told him we would not adopt them ( we were young, they were our first placement). dd would not. but ds WANTED to be a part of a family so badly, and dd did not. to me, what they called me was indicative of where they were in the grieving process for their family and acceptance of this new life they did not ask for. about 6 months after we decided to adopt them (still in our home less than a year), ds asked dd one day why she didn't call us mom and dad. she said she didn't know. but i knew. she didn't want a mom and dad. i was ok with that. but she started calling us mom and dad very artificially after that.....peer pressure from her brother i suspect...and when it became routine for her, it became second nature. now she calls us mom and dad very naturally...but i know in my heart, she will most likely never view me as mom.....which is just a reminder for me that just because you get the title, doesn't mean you get the job. i love her very much, and i acknowledge that just giving me the title was difficult for her. fwiw, i would have let her call me by my first name for as long as she needed to. heck, she is so stubborn, i know there would have been nothing i could have done to MAKE her. lol.

[Sdirector]

Our (soon to be) daughter calls us Mom and Dad. Her choice. We were both fine being "Aunt and Uncle," but it was what she wanted to do.

Her caseworker came to see her at the house, and, in fact, that was one of her questions, "Do you call them Mom and Dad?" Apparently that is a way to measure the relationship and bonding, however, I would think that it is not a complete indicator.

[Sdirector]

Our (soon to be) daughter calls us Mom and Dad. Her choice. We were both fine being "Aunt and Uncle," but it was what she wanted to do.

Her caseworker came to see her at the house, and, in fact, that was one of her questions, "Do you call them Mom and Dad?" Apparently that is a way to measure the relationship and bonding, however, I would think that it is not a complete indicator.

[ocracoke]

I was placed with my adoptive parents at age 7. I had had bio parents that I called mom and dad. I had had 3 sets of foster parents that I called mom and dad. When I was placed with my aparents they gave me the option of calling them by their first names and it was the option I picked. For me "moms" and "dads" eventually left. So I was deciding to redefine how a referred to parents. I am now 40 and I still call them (and my step mom) by their first names. Calling them by their first names was not a sign of disrespect but allowing me to do it was a sign of them respecting me and my needs. Everything else in our relationship indicated that they were my parents. We were not on equal footing. They were the adults. They were the parents. They set the rules. I followed the rules -- or suffered the consequences. They are the only people I consider to be my parents but I have always and will always refer to them by their first names. And frankly I think their willingness to meet me where I was only helped to strangthen our bond.

My daughter was 21 months when she came home to me and I wondered what I would have her call me. She automatically fell into calling me mama. But sometimes she calls me by my first name (usually when she is trying to get my attention and I am focused on something else) and I have to say that while a little shocking -- I find it comforting too.

Respect isn't about what you call people -- respect is how you treat people.

JMO,
Samantha

[bluebonnet_72]

With the younger girls (2 and 5 when they came home) I was mom almost immediately. My oldest dd, was 10 when she came home to us. She called me by my first name when talking to me. In a few months she started calling starting saying "my mom" when talking about me, but wouldn't call me mom. After about 2 years, it started to seem more and more ridiculous. We don't let them refer to other adults by just their first name. I finally told her she could either call me mom or Miss (my name). She started calling me mom. It wasn't an issue I was willing to push until I knew we were established in a relationship, but eventually it did start to seem disrespectful to just call me by my first name. I at least deserved the respect she gave other adults. Once given that choice she quickly decided to call me mom.

[filswife]

Our 14 year old JUST this week started calling us "mom" and "dad". He has been here for about 6 months. We talked about it now and again, without pressure. He has been calling us by first names and told us he wasn't ready a few months ago to call us mom and dad. Now he's ready.

[kko]

mine didnt call me mom until the adoption was final. she lived with several 'moms' and know i wouldnt turn her away, but its happened sooo many times better she just didnt want to call me mom until it was final.