[lucky_13]

As I type, my head knows the answer but my heart just won't listen...my husband and I inquired on a child's photolisting - Girl age 9. Her case worker accepted our home study and sent us preliminary report and is in process of sending us case file.

Prelim report says she does well in school, on target, normal eating/sleeping habits and does well with animals and pets. Healthy (with the exceptions below), great personality and enjoys typical 9 year old girl activities.

HOWEVER, here are where I see major red flags and would like feedback from parents who have received similar info, proceeded with adoption placement and lived to tell the tale:

Diagnosed with generic Disruptive Behavior (not specifically ODD or CD), ADHD and General Anxiety Disorder. Which the more I learn, all of these can go hand in hand. Medications: Adderall, Celexa, Risperdal - all low to normal dosages and correlate to aforementioned diagnoses.

She can go weeks, months, even a year without what sw calls an "anger outburst for extended period of time" (RAGE!). I am awaiting case file (and hopefully contact for previous/current caregivers) to define "extended". Are we talking an hour, a day or what? During one of these rages, she screams, curses but has been known to throw things, kick and hit if approached. Once it's over, it's over and she's back to normal.

I've read all the good books on adoption (tons!)...but reading and living this day to day is VERY different. We are very structured, she would be the only child at home, we have resources in place and insurance to cover them...we're by no means perfect, nor would we expect her to be and we've dealt with our fair share of anger, trauma and loss in our lives so I think we could help. We know it's work, but should we just run now?...thanks for your feedback.

[lucyjoy]

As an only child, if you are willing and able to put in the work and can find and obtain the appropriate resources, she has a decent chance. A child who can hold her rage for a year and then control when it goes is more likely suffering from Attachment disorder and ODD then the diagnosis listed. Kids with attachment disorder often appear to have ADHD when they do not do to hypervigilence. Now, I've never met this child, this is just MY observation from reading the behavior discription. Obviously, you will be able to tell better what is going on when you get more information.

I'd recommend being sure that the therapists you have are trained in dealing with attachment and trauma issues.

[momraine]

I think the fact that she would be the only child in the home and the fact that you are as prepared as you can be without having done it and the fact that you have already learned to read between the lines of the official reports are all signs that you can do this! I would ask to talk to the people who deal with her every day (probably foster parent) and get more details. I think that with the right help (finding the right help is sometimes easier said than done!) I would talk to the therapists you have found and make sure they really do know what they are doing. I had one that said she knew all about RAD and stuff, but she did NOT. You can ask the potential therapist things like will they have you in the room at all times? (they should) and ask them what they think about some of the authors you have probably read (Nancy Thomas, Foster etc), if they have never heard of these people then they don't know much about attachment. You will probably want to wait to decide until you talk to the current foster mom and to the therapists in your area.

[TxMom65]

These are my observations from my daughter and her progression:
The descriptions were very similar. I found that the more she began to attach to us the worse her rages or tantrums became. She wanted to control. It was worse during the 1st 6 months. The 2nd year was better than the 1st. We are in the 3rd year. It isn't great but is getting there.

She still has anxious attatchment. She has made great progress and is a great child. Sometimes I worry but I often hear stories of children of friends, not adopted, who act so much worse than her. Not that it makes her OK, but it makes me lighten up just a touch.

It is hard. No doubt. It is exhausting and life changing. I would do it all over again though.

[MilehighDad]

Yes, she can be saved. What you are describing is the normal response of a child to trauma. Normal parenting may not work, so you have to learn from people and therapists with experience dealing with traumatized kids. It will be very hard on you, but all it takes is love and persistence and the decision to make her yours, completely. Many parents do fail if they don't learn how to help kids like her.

[lucyjoy]

While I do agree that this child has a lot of hope for healing, a child's inability to heal is NOT always the fault of the parent. Granted, Brian Post does run around spewing that crap but those of us who actually understand trauma realize it often leaves deep scars.

[lucky_13]

Thank you for the responses. I do not have case file yet but learned she's had two disrupted placements...basic information - 1st disrupted after 6 months of expected behavior then a rage and 2nd disrupted after 2 weeks (rage) BUT they placed her during holiday season. (I think we can all sympathize with holiday stress...)

What is sad is they just keep telling me she has "anger outbursts" for no reason...who are they kidding? I don't even know her yet and I can think of about 100 reasons for her to yell, curse, kick and turn toys into projectiles.

Call me naive but I am thinking maybe these parents didn't do their homework. I hesitate to say they were not "prepared" because I doubt you can really prepare for this. BUT some due diligence and TONS of research might help, right??

Once again, waiting for details of the raging that sent the other two families packing...I agree multiple placements are a huge red flag but isn't it important to find out why? Again, maybe I am just naive...no, hopeful.

[lucyjoy]

Rage with no reason often is rage with no warning or seen trigger. I agree, she has 100 reasons to be mad. 2 disruptions is a big read flag and the paperwork reasons for why are not always accurrate. If at all possible, try to talk to the disrupting families. It will give you really good insight on what to expect so you can prepare and not be caught off guard.

The amount of strength even a small child can exert while raging is incredible. My son, at 4, kicked a huge hole into a door and broke his former amom's ribs.

Another son at 8 pulled his metal bunkbed apart with his bare hands and bent the bars-he had some serious anger issues. He also, at 8 while in a foster parents care, went into a rage in a Wal-mart requiring 4 security guards to restrain him until he was calm. FM was injured during this rage.

This may have been the types of rage these parents were feeling illequipped to handle.

The more you can know ahead of time the more you can prepare to handle.

[mommytoEli]

[quote=lucky_13]

Call me naive but I am thinking maybe these parents didn't do their homework. I hesitate to say they were not "prepared" because I doubt you can really prepare for this. BUT some due diligence and TONS of research might help, right??

[quote] hmm..maybe they didn't. i didn't...i didn't know enough before adopting my child. knowing more would have helped...i am sure. but now that i am pretty educated, and know how it works, it is still hard to deal with the behaviors. and just today i was telling my dh that at the end of the day, i am just a human. so while i need to be an adult, and i need to be patient, and i know what works and what doesn't, and i know why she behaves the way she does....i still can't believe some of the crap that happens around here sometimes...and it still bugs the crap out of me, and sometimes i don't get it, and sometimes i want to be somewhere else. it is hard. be careful. i think it is easy to read about a child's behaviors on paper and think you can take it....and another thing to actually take it.....again, and again, and again. i think it is ok to be hopeful. just also be cautious and realistic. in addition to everything else everyone mentioned here, please get someone on your side who has btdt, someone you can call or email the craziest story to, and they will get it. trust me, this whole thing will be alot easier if YOU have the support you need for yourself. if you feel in over your head, make sure you take a break for yourself. sometimes....you need to be selfish...it needs to be about YOU. because if you do not take care of yourself, you can not take care of her.

9 is young. there is alot of difference to be made in her life. my dd was 8 when she came to live with us. she is very different than she was in the beginning. but the battle will not be over for quite some time.

[kretzklan]

My DD is 9 now (adopted at 6) - I had no info as Russia is famous for and we just assumed she was a healthy, happy, 'normal' little girl. Well...not so much. She has been dx'd with attachment disorder and as someone mentioned, that can cover everything that this girl is currently being treated for. We are seeing a psychiatrist and she is being medicated for general anxiety disorder...using celexa as well. So far, it's not helping.
I think you are in the right situation - only child...going into it knowledgable and hopeful - there is NOTHING wrong with being hopeful. As you get the info just assume that what you hear is how it will be (or maybe even worse) at your house for some time...if you feel ok with that and prepared to handle it - go for it. I would get as much info as possible and try to speak to the families who disrupted...they will have insight that her SW may not get or may not want to share.
Parenting my DD is a tough road. Tiring, makes me angry - someone above said it closely - there are simply days that I've had enough of the crap and I want normal...not fabulous - just normal. But, I do see tiny steps towards healing.

[DianeS]

I second the comment about how children can become UNBELIEVABLY strong when they rage. All that anger and hate comes out and they can do things you never would have believed possible.

My first introduction to the world of angry children came when I was about 15. I babysat for a family where the 3rd grader, age 8, an average-sized kid, had "anger issues". But I knew the family from church and thought he seemed normal enough.

The two worst incidents were:

1 - this child picking up his 10 year old brother and hurling him across the room, and
2 - this child stealing a butcher knife, chasing his brother with it, and burying the blade of the knife an inch into a solid wood door. It took me a good 3-4 minutes to work the knife back out, but he buried it in one stroke.

There were other incidents, but those were the two worst. And the rage lasted only maybe 10 minutes. I would have had to call the police to handle him if it had lasted any longer.

Even today, I would have next to no idea how to handle a child like that. There was no "real" trigger. He and his brother had been bickering about what to play that evening. That's supposed to be normal. That's not "supposed" to trigger something as bad as that rage. But it did. Even with all the education and preparedness in the world, how does someone really prevent that - forever?

This child is going to require some very strong parents - emotionally and possibly physically. You're doing well to get all the information you can before making a decision. It's possible her brand of raging is one that you can handle. But it's possible it isn't. So more information is definately in order.

Keep in mind she has in the past behaved well for 6 months at a time, so I'd make it clear to everyone that even if you accept her into your family, that you refuse to finalize an adoption until you have experienced one of these rages. It's unlikely they've simply gone away, so you'll see one eventually. Then you'll KNOW, one way or the other, if you can be the right family for this child for every day for the rest of her life.

[Lorraine123]

all it takes is love and persistence and the decision to make her yours, completely

I disagree with this. All of this is essential, but it doesn't cure mental illness. Thats like saying that love and persistence cure cancer. Nope.

My daughter was very tiny for her age, but I'd say around age 9, she got too strong during a rage for me to restrain her. A raging child is quite a force to be reckoned with.

Learn all you can about attachment. Find a good attachment therapist. Therapy will be hard on both you and her.

If you feel that you can do, then go for it.

[wordsmither]

Originally Posted by lucky_13

Call me naive but I am thinking maybe these parents didn't do their homework. I hesitate to say they were not "prepared" because I doubt you can really prepare for this. BUT some due diligence and TONS of research might help, right??

I just want to say... due diligence and research helps, but NOTHING can prepare you for the reality of having it in your home.

We adopted two kids who are in remarkably good shape - and yet my husband and I are STILL emotionally exhausted many days, and still surprised at how their behavior can affect us.

Just saying... intellectual preparedness is a far cry from emotional preparedness. YMMV.

[MilehighDad]

Originally Posted by Lorraine123

I disagree with this. All of this is essential, but it doesn't cure mental illness. Thats like saying that love and persistence cure cancer. Nope.

Just for the record, I didn't say it would cure mental illness. I said she could be saved, and that includes even if she has mental illness. I didn't even say she would be "healed." Those black and white terms don't mean much, so don't beat me with them. In my mind, being saved means having a family who will love and support you forever and help you to get the most you can out of life. Foster care won't do that, but she can be saved by someone who loves her unconditionally.

[Sdirector]

An Excellent reply, Mile High Dad!