[greenmama]

Hi. We had our matching meeting yesterday for the 9 year old we're intending to adopt. He's currently in a group home and doing very well. He's loving, sweet, compassionate toward other kids, a favorite of the staff, etc. He does have a few issues (primarily with learning...some disabilities).
The thing is that we have a 6 year old and when our prospective son was 6 there was some "inappropriate touching" of his bio-sister at one of the foster homes. No other information was given about the incident and the children weren't separated from each other as a result of it. There haven't been any issues since. Would this scare you? What precautions would you advise if we go forward in keeping our son safe? Please help!

[aspenhall]

It's not advisable to adopt out of birth order for many reasons. I couldn't do it if there was even a hint of a whisper about any child in any previous home being unsafe in any way (rages etc). We do have my 15 yr old sister living with us, as though it were a foster situation....and she's 100% safe, but it still caused trauma to my dd.

However, you'll need to have line of sight supervision at all times and buy alarms and cameras for the bedroom doors. If you decide to do it.

[MilehighDad]

If it was just one incident and they were not separated, I think that the "inappropriate touching" with a six-year old sounds like completely normal child behavior over-reported on kids in the system. Also, I don't agree with the prohibition on adopting out of birth order, as you can tell by my signature lines. You need to evaluate the information you have and make your best decision, but if there is a true danger to your younger son, social services won't even allow the placement.

You should never assume or pretend that taking on a child from foster care won't have an impact on your birth son, because it most certainly will. That impact will be both good and bad, like all things in life. He will envy and resent the extra attention a newly placed child will demand. He will love having a sibling to play with and sometimes hero-worship his older brother. And, he will learn, as a direct and real example from you, that there are people out there, other kids, who need our help and love. At times, our birth sons are horribly frustrated with the behavior of their sisters. But, our fourteen year old son also has a deep and ingrained compassion for them and was our strongest advocate of adopting again six months ago.

Good luck!

[lucyjoy]

What is this loving, sweet, compassionate child doing in a group home instead of a foster home? I guarantee there is a reason and the foster homes were all full isn't it. There are kids who live wonderfully in group homes and are terrors in families. If it were me, I'd want more information.

I would not adopt a 9 year old with a 6 year old in the home.

[greenmama]

Well he had some acting out in the foster home (he was only in one)...bad behavior which has subsided. He's on medication now for ADD and hasn't had any issues with behavior in a long time. I'm really torn.

[MilehighDad]

Well, if you want opinion instead of advice, my opinion is: get him out of the group home! The poor kid is only 9!

[lucyjoy]

The behavior would have had to have been serious to land a 9 year old in a group home rather then a foster home.

The behaviors will return when he moves from the group home to another home.

I do agree that a group home is a lousy place to put a 9 year old kid but I think a home with younger children is a bad option.

[Lorraine123]

My opinion - I would not do it. I would not take that chance with my children.

[MilehighDad]

We can agree to disagree. I don't know what state/county this child is in, but there are young children with minor behavior issues in group homes in many states. Florida, New York and Texas probably have the worst problems with insufficient numbers of foster homes, but it is not just limited to those populous states. I think you need to respect the opinion of social services, they have matched this child with an adoptive family because they think the child and the parents are a good match. There is not enough information given to second-guess them.

[lucyjoy]

Social services gives poor information all the time. I do have lots of experience working with families who have parented children with severe issues who were LIED to about why their children were in group homes.

Feel free to disagree, but there is a huge cost difference between a group home and a foster home and many of the kids in group homes said to be mild really aren't. They are there because they function poorly in families.

This is MY opinion and MY experience and I will continue to share it with families. As all opinions go, people can take it or leave it.

[millie58]

Having my son from a RTC after he was sexually abused by birth father and having fostered his younger brother for 2 1/2 years before that, here's my experience: if they weren't separated, it wasn't considered "bad". It could have been an "age" curiosity thing. Being in a group home: could be because there wasn't a foster home willing to take him. foster parents usually want younger kids. Him having been in a group home: he'll be jealous of your son. You will have to keep constant watch over him. there will also be other behaviors that come from not being with a family. Good luck in whatever you do.

[Mkuhlmann06]

I think you need to see if you can talk with the previous foster parents. How long was he with them? Is his sibling still with them or in the group home? How long has he been in the group home? What medications is he on? Are you prepared to do 24/7 line of sight supervision? Will your kids be sharing a bedroom or have separate bedrooms? Is your son small for his age and the foster child big for his age?

They don't normally put kids in group homes that can succeed in foster or therapeutic foster homes. But I know a lot of people that have taken a chance on kids from group homes and were successful, but they had previous experience handling kids with special needs or had a lot of services set up to help with the transition.

If you do bring this child in your home (and Im going through something very similar right now) then the kids shouldn't be alone ina room together anywhere. If you need to go to the bathroom, then someone needs to go to a safe place til you get out -- UNTIL you have all built the trust needed to allow it. Also, you will need to ensure your son has the good/bad touch conversation and is comfortable coming to you to discuss it.

I don't have a strong feeling either way about the birth order, as younger kids in foster care can be bigger/stronger and have more street knowledge than older biological kids and still do something to them. I just think you need to do what is right in terms of a fit for your family.

And just because you were matched with the child, doesn't mean it is the right fit. You need to decide that.

Keep us posted on what you do...good luck with your decision.

[greenmama]

I'm surprised I guess at the number of people who think a child's actions at 6...right after he'd been ripped away from his mother...should dictate his entire future and his ability to be loved and placed with a family.
We'll be talking to his therapist and caregivers on Monday and with his school & teachers after that and will then make a decision on whether to proceed. As an aside, the group home that he's in is actually a Catholic place...where they take only young children and a lot of their funding comes from donations and church...not just government money since someone had commented on the cost of group homes.

[lucyjoy]

No one said his actions at 6 should dictate his future as you put it. I said that the fact he is in a group home at 9 rather then a foster home would indicate more serious behaviors. That does NOT mean I don't think he needs a family. I would not take a child from a group home into my home if I had younger children without seriously considering the possible risks.

[aspenhall]

His actions at 6 have potentially magnified by age 9, especially if he's been in a group home.

Are you ok with living with the risk if it WASN'T an isolated incident?

And, SA issues aside, how does he handle his anger? Does he act in revenge or retaliation? Would he use hurting your boy as a way to "punish" you?

Would your boy be able to handle an out of control 9 year old, without taking it personally?

It isn't actions at age 6 determining his life....it's HIS UNRESOLVED ISSUES now determining YOUR life....