[Lorraine123]

I don't believe that a child's actions at 6 dictate their entire life. Not at all. But you also can't ignore those actions. He does have a history of sexually acting out. Does that mean he is dangerous? Probably not. The fact that he is in a group home means something. Again, does that mean he is dangerous? Probably not. Does he deserve a loving family? Absolutely. Every child does.
But every family is not a good fit for every child. I personally would not take the chance. Even if its a small chance, I would not risk my current child. Thats just me.

And, by the way, SS does lie. Their job is place children. They get federal money for every child they place. They don't get money for placing a child in the best home, just for putting them into a home.

[lovemy6]

Imagine how you would feel IF something happened to your six year old son, bc you were willing to give this 9 year old a chance. What do you say to your son when he tells you that little Johnny told him to suck his ....? Or that he asked to do it to him? Or that he touched him and said some "bad" things to him? Or that he was drawing pictures of doing things to him?

These are VERY possible situations. Believe me, there's no worse feeling than knowing that you brought someone into your home that hurt one of your children.

You can NEVER UNabuse a child!

NEVER take a child older or stronger than the child in your home. I know it works with some families, but you are taking a HUGE risk.

DCFS lies ALL the time! There are MANY kids who are disrupted bc of the choices DCFS has made for them.

DON'T do this to your child!

[aspenhall]

I think you just need to be aware of the full potential impact of your choice and be willing to take that responsibility.

If it's a good fit and things you are ok dealing with, then it is likely a good match...But I'd want a pretty long transition period before finalizing.

[greenmama]

They'd require a long period of visitation anyway...at least 4 months. I don't know what we're going to do. Nothing has happened in the last 3 years...I guess we're going to talk to his counselor and then make our decision.

[ajjhmf]

Hmm, I've been watching this thread for quite a while and feel I need to add something.

You say that "nothing" has happened in 3 years.

"Nothing' has ever happened to my son as well. In fact, we were matched with him and his older brother, we were told they were typical, a bit hyper (maybe), needing some help with LD stuff, but all around good boys. "Nothing" had EVER happened. They were removed for neglect. Stayed in the same foster home for 4 years. Surely, if SOMETHING had happened, it would have been caught, right?

Well, that "nothing" turned out to be a lot. Thankfully I didn't have any other kids in the home, but I did have the boys sharing a room. 6 weeks into the placement, the youngest came and started telling me horror stories of what his older brotehr was doing to him at night and when they were alone. My life went from hard to hell is 30 seconds flat.

We had line of sight supervision, alarms on doors and a safety plan. That just made other behaviors rise ot the surface. In the end, after trying everything, the oldest was removed and placed in a theraputic home.

The youngest, my son, would take years to heal. Despite my not knowing it was happening when he came home to me, I was still his protector and failed him those first 6 months. It's been nearly 6 years since then and even now we feel the effects. We lost friends, were alienated from family and ended up having to leave our church.

So, that "nothing" turned out to be a lot for us. I think if you asked around, you'd find that stories like ours are more common that you think.

I don't think anyone here is saying this child doesn't deserve a home. All children do. People are concerned because we have been there done that. Social services DOES lie. Or they may not even know if more was done. A HUGE red flag here is the group home. It costs way more to have a child live in a group home than even a theraputic foster home. Kids aren't placed there for a lack of foster care beds. Kids are placed there because of something that happened where they were before. I know they are telling you his behavior is fine. but lots of very disturbed children do better in non-family situations. Their behavior looks goldne in the home, but horrific in the family.

Only you can decided if this boy is the right fit for your family. The fact that you are asking questions makes me think you doubt it already. Think hard about what Lovemy6 and the others have said. Like she said, you can't UNabuse a child. And once it happens, it doesn't just go away.

[jkanderson521]

As a few others said, i dont think its a definite disaster. Have a GOOD therapist lined up. Do you know how to find one? Also, there is a great book that talks some about sexual acting out, Beyond Consequences Logic and Control. I would put more focus on educating yourself on how to effectivelty parent a child who has been in foster care and group homes and had trauma. Unforunately others are right, the fact that he is in a group home means that his beahviors caused him to blow out of multiple foster homes, but there is always hope and you can give him a future that he wouldnt be able to have otherwise. But it WILL be a lot of work !

[greenmama]

Thanks everyoone. We're going to pass.

[richland91]

Absolutely not a problem. All 6 year olds have a curiosity and have some form of "play doctor." If you are concerned, you can check with a child psychologist. The most important challenge is making him believe he is family since he isn't yours biologically. If the adoption happens, remind him that you chose him AND he chose you. That's special. There are a lot of children that were not planned. This one IS planned. Good luck.

[MilehighDad]

I hinted at it earlier, but there is a key piece of information missing here, and that is the state and county this child is in. I didn't ask directly because I feel it may be more than Greenmama wants to disclose online, but I do believe it plays heavily into how people are interpreting the information that he is in a group home. Yes, group homes cost the counties more, so if sufficient foster homes are available then only severe kids will go to a group home. However, in many places now, group homes are simply a place to keep more kids than foster care can manage. Particularly the hint that this group home is run by a Catholic charity indicates that there simply isn't a foster home available where he is.

And, from a wider viewpoint, if you take every kid in a group home and eliminate placing them in an adoptive family that already has kids due to the risk to those kids, then you are condemning most of those kids to aging out of the system.

[lucyjoy]

I don't think a child in a group home with prior sexual acting out history, minor or not, should be placed in a home with younger children.

I do think they can be placed in experienced homes with older children.

The problem is the unknown factors. Does it make these kids harder to place? Yes, but there are people that are willing and able to take them without putting other children in harms way.

The best way to get better insight on what the deal is with this particular child is to talk to the foster parent who felt unable to keep him in her home and find out what behaviors occurred.

I've seen more lies about why kids were placed in group homes-most blaming foster parents or lack of fosterhomes. The new parents find out about the lies as the child is destroying their homes and turning their lives upside down. It happens too often.

[aMarylandfamily]

We adopted a child out of a group home so do have some experience with the differences between group home and foster home ... Lucyjoy has tried to politely question why this child is placed in a group home noting the behaviors expressed wouldn't necessarily place in that level of care and she is correct here. BIG RED FLAG! (Sorry) All children are required to be placed in "the least level of care" until a high level is required - thus he didn't just get placed there. Also noted is he was only in one foster home - they do try a second and even a third before moving to group home as sometimes the environment is just not conducive to the child or to the parents with the child (hoping that makes sense) - ANOTHER RED FLAG - ONE FOSTER HOME DIRECTLY TO GROUP HOME!

The level of "incidents" reported from a foster family vs. group home staff environment (even a family group home that some states have) is miles apart - a touching incident may have occurred and been played down if more than one resident was involved in a group home whereas you would consider it severe if it occurred in your living room - even while horseplaying as kids do.

Not trying to chase you away from this child by any means - just make sure you have all the facts, don't take him without speaking to the staff at the group home and any other adult whose care he is in (teacher, counselor, baseball coach, etc.) and listen carefully beyond the sentence "he is a great kid" as he probably is but that doesn't mean the issues aren't more severe that what you are being told as they do want to get him placed. Make lists and determine if your home, your family, your other child, you as caretaker, you as couple and more can meet the needs which may seem simple to start but can easily escalate to the need of his current level of care.

Best wishes in your decision and know others have been here and done this - it isn't easy but important to not go beyond what your limits would be - if you take this child and something surfaces that you are going to immediately run from you will do him more harm returning him to another level of care than adoptive placement (and this I am speaking from hands on experience as we had to do for the safety of another child in our home!).

We understand, we care (and hope all this isn't too wordy) - thanks for listening if you read all the way to the bottom!

[Robinyyes]

I think you need to know that some of us will support any decison you make, while others...will not.

This is your decision. You know more of the details then any of us on this forum and ultimately other than a very limited antedotal remark, should in the end be something that with the amount of information you are compliling, be a decison only you and your family can make.

That being said, I tend to agree that an incident that occured with a 6yr old who wasn't as a result seperated from his sister shouldn't be something whereby he would be set aside for the remainder of his already tramatized childhood. Also, Catholic group homes are NOT the same as government group homes and you also mentioned that he is a favorite of the staff. I am glad that you are willing to gather more information before making your decision, and wish you and him only the very best outcome possible!

[jeffw]

How long in the group home? If short, like less than 2 months, then it might mean nothing--just a temporary bed while they locate a good placement. If longer then it likely means trouble, as so many have stated.

[momraine]

My son with RAD was a favorite of the staff in his Catholic orphanage. At lest the proffesional staff, the every day caretakers told me he was a "bad child". He has told me some of the things he did and I can see why they had issues with him. However when the nuns or any of the proffesional staff was around he was a total suck up. The other children were afraid of him though. The adults all loved him. He got sponsored by a charity and they loved him too. The doctors, counselors and directors all said he was thier favorite kid. He did have RAD. He did not have sexual issues, but his other issues have been a challange.

[Lorraine123]

I don't think anyone on here has been unsupportive. We are just saying to proceed with caution. We are posting based on what our experience has shown us. Notice, most of the posters on here who are advising caution have adopted older children with very similar backgrounds to what was described here. We have adopted children from group homes, orphanages, therapeutic foster homes. We know what that means. None of us believe that a child should go without a loving family. I feel that the posters here are some of the most loving people I have ever met. We have all opened our homes and our hearts to challenging children. We know exactly what it takes. And we know exactly what could cause a placement to disrupt. I cannot predict the future, but I can look at the past and at statistics and make an educated guess. Thats what we are doing. If Greenmama would decide to go forward with the placement, you would find each us there to support her. We all support each other when necessary, advise when necessary, cry together, celebrate together, and laugh together. Support doesn't mean agreement, it means being there when needed.