[Crissy011]

I'm in a pre-adoptive situation and I'm struggling with how I feel. I am trying to love unconditionally and to have that strong bond/attachment that I know I should have with my son, but it isn't there yet. I'm wondering if anyone else had these feelings...this confusion about being the "right" family and making the "right" decision for everyone. I really am giving it my all (I think), but that love isn't there and I feel SO guilty all the time about it.

[kretzklan]

You are not alone - and really, you haven't been in your situation very long...7 months is a short amount of time. Most of the time this whole situation is not a hallmark card - can you really be expected to fall in love instantly...I don't believe in love at first sight for adults or children. In older child adoption especially, that little guy came to you with 'stuff' - his own baggage and of course, we all have baggage...sometimes it's tough to add all that baggage together - it's a big load.

There isn't a magic number for when you'll know. Talk with your family - be open about things. I spent a long time trying to hide that I wasn't 'there' yet (heck, don't know if I'm there yet now, but my kids have AD...adds to the issues)...it's not your fault or his fault or anyone's fault. Think about it this way - "if this is as good as it will get with him...will you be OK with that?"...ours was an international adoption...there wasn't time to think things through. There are days I still ask myself that question. I think it's better to assume you are at the peak then at the bottom of the hill. I certainly hope you can find peace - but please, oh please, try, try, try to let go of the guilt. It doesn't help anyone!

Again, you are NOT alone or crazy or weird...

[Crissy011]

Thanks for your reply. It is nice to know that I'm not alone in feeling this way. I have been completely honest with all the "professionals" involved with our family. The problem is that I don't know if I will be okay if things stay the way they are....because the lieing/manipulation (which is our biggest problem) makes it so hard to feel close to him. It seems like as soon as I start to feel something more for him, it happens again and I feel like I'm back to square one again . The agency has told us to put the "adoption" on the backburner and take it day by day. We have been doing that but then the guilt comes in when I think, but what if in say 6 months from now we STILL don't know...then what? It is such a strange, unfamiliar place to be in.

[momraine]

I will second what kretz said. Mine was also international so I didn't have a lot of time and there is no help or respite when do international. I am two years out and I am just now to the point where I am falling in love with my son. The commitment was there, but honestly, sometimes it was hard to love him. So I learned to fake it. (we also were dealing with RAD) I also had guilt as I had three other children that were affected by his first year. Well and I had my two nieces living with me for a year in the middle of his two years of being here. So it was an interesting dynamic. He told me the other day when we were having a talk about when you love someone that means you want good things for them, not just that they do what you tell them to. He thought about it and very seriously told me that he thinks he loves his dad then, but not me yet, but he is "used" to me now and wants me to be his mom. That is progress. Yes, it still hurts to know after two years of doing everything for this kid that he doesn't love me, but loves dad (who was at work all day every day and does not get the brunt of the behavior! sorry that's a whole other post, LOL) but I have to remember he is a child who has been damaged by his past. I was told that it would take one year home for every year in the orphanage for him to heal. Of course since he was six and half, I am thinking that just sets me up to go straight from this stuff into puberty, oh fun! LOL, also don't forget to laugh. My dd and I one day did a behavior bingo that I got from someone on this sight. I wrote down a bunch of his behaviors that he did at meal time and gave my daughter and I each a sheet and some buttons and we played bingo, we got to mark a spot whenever he did one of the behaviors and then we high fived and stuff. It made him mad, but it made us laugh instead of cry.

[lucyjoy]

While I wouldn't expect his behaviors to be better in this amount of time, if your gut is telling you this is a bad match, maybe it is.

My advice is that if you can't live with him if the behaviors never change, don't adopt him(and I tell that to ALL new parents). There are no guarantees and stealing and lying are often long term behaviors.

I kept a child my gut told me was a bad match, mostly out of guilt. It was a bad choice.

[Crissy011]

In all honesty, I probably would be okay if the behaviors didn't change much. However, we have this fear of them getting worse, instead of better. It just makes me so sad. I worry mostly because he has come so far in so many areas, but it seems like the lying has been consistent....which makes me wonder if it can't be improved. I REALLY want this to work. I do care about him a lot.

[kretzklan]

OMG - love behavior bingo! Totally doing it!

Have the boy's caseworkers lined you up with attachment therapy? I'm not saying he has AD - but the manipulation and lying are a big part of that. It takes special therapy to get through it.

I've also heard that it takes as long as they were without you to be with you and make it totally loving (which means I have 4 and 3 more years...crap)...but I've also heard that year 3 of being home is a big one and that lots of changes can come...we are in that year and I'm hopeful for these changes.

Look, there are good days, bad days, really bad days and neutral days. Perhaps I didn't say great days because that is a high expectation...I try not to set those. Give yourself easy goals to achieve. Today I'll sit with him for 15 minutes, just the two of us and tell him stories. Even if he tries to ruin them or wiggle away...I'll be loving and sweet and use a calm voice. Today, I'll rock him like a baby for 10 minutes. I'll talk to him like a baby and wrap him like a baby and make it a game...for just 10 minutes.

Each time you can knock down that wall a little - well, it's knocked down a little. Not a huge breakthrough - but small, tiny steps to love. If you feel a sense of committment to taking care of this child - that is a step. There were days in the beginning that not only would I have not stepped in front of the bus for them - I may have been the one pushing. I've come a long way baby! (and that is a total joke...for anyone getting their panties in a bunch...never planned to push my kids in front of a bus!)

[Crissy011]

He has seen the same therapist since he was taken from his first home at 2 years old. They claim he does not have attachment disorder, but anything is possible. It is just SOO nice to hear that I'm not the only person to feel this way.

[aspenhall]

He can have difficulty attaching, without having an AD. Approach everything as if he does have AD, since he seems to be pushing you away.

And I felt the same way. In fact, it's still hard some days. I am fiercely committed, but she can be really hard to love.

[chelspark1]

I have felt the same way you do.
Our sibling group (they are 14 and 15 years old) will be with us for two years next month. That first year was really tough. We don't have children and I really didn't know what to expect but I knew that I should be feeling a much more unconditional love towards them and I just couldn't do it.
Now, two years later things have gotten much better. I've learned to pick my battles and celebrate the little milestones that happen. I try to not take their behavior personally (though that is hard to do). What has really help me when things are bad is to step back and imagine what it must be like to be my kids - with everything they have been through. It makes me have more empathy towards them.
It did not happen overnight but now I see us as a family. There is a bond there and I feel more like their mom by wanting to love and protect them.
I could have written your post a year ago. I felt the same way.
Sending hugs your way...

[alys1]

Late to the party, I know, but I love this article on lying. It so changed me from being hurt and judgemental about the lying, to compassionate *most of the time*. It didn't change me into a parent who has a goal of having children who lie, just that it doesn't jerk my chain in the same way.

Deborah Hage asks: "What internal workings of the brain tell children that lying is an acceptable form of speech?" The article is called "Antecedents to Lying and Teaching the Truth"
Here:
Lying and Teaching the Truth - Deborah Hage, MSW

If you read it, would love to hear what you think of it.

[alys1]

Late to the party, I know, but I love this article on lying. It so changed me from being hurt and judgemental about the lying, to compassionate *most of the time*. It didn't change me into a parent who has a goal of having children who lie, just that it doesn't jerk my chain in the same way.

Deborah Hage asks: "What internal workings of the brain tell children that lying is an acceptable form of speech?" The article is called "Antecedents to Lying and Teaching the Truth"
Here:
Lying and Teaching the Truth - Deborah Hage, MSW

If you read it, would love to hear what you think of it.

[Crissy011]

That is a great article! Thanks!!!

[SageKitty]

I was a foster to adopt parent to a 8 year old (RAD) child and the adoption disrupted. I was heart broken, but my gut told me not to do it since he was so scary at times to be around. Not sure if your child has (RAD), but I just could not bond with him and for the safey of both of us I had to make one of the most difficult decisions of my life. I'm back considering adoption again, five years later...